Four

Nolan Alex Tomberlin is 4 years old. Four years ago he came into the world, and it was a grueling 3 days to make that happen. The doctors concluded that Nolan got stuck right at my pelvic bone because his head just would not mold to the birth canal to make for an easy delivery. Basically, he's been hard headed (LITERALLY) since birth. The doctor had to use a vacuum to get him out, and everyone commented that it was unbelievable that his head looked absolutely perfect- no cone shape, no signs of me pushing for THREE HOURS. Because- that is Nolan Tomberlin, people. Thick skulled. 

Nolan gets compliments and comments and copious amount of attention because of that head of hair. Everywhere we go people always talk about his hair. And, it is awesome, but he is starting to mention that he'd like short hair like his Daddy. I'm not sure at what point I'll let him make that decision, but I can assure you it's not today!

This was Nolan's reaction when I told him we needed to leave the lake where his cousins currently were. Nolan is still just as impressed and obsessed with Ryann, Alee, Valor, and Hope gets thrown in there because she's part of the package. It's odd to me but also precious how much he loves them. We spent two nights in North Carolina last month, he did this same thing when I told him we were leaving. 

Nolan and Isaac. Nolan is growing more and more fond of Isaac's constant presence but is so easily annoyed with him it's unreal. It's like he wants Isaac close but only in the exact way he's thinking in his mind. Since they started sharing a room 5 months ago, I've definitely seen Nolan's affection for his brother increase. Unprovoked, he will hug Isaac, try to comfort him, and protect him. But he will also shove him off the ottoman faster than you can blink. Is this just brothers? I don't know. 

One thing I absolutely love about Nolan is his unbridled joy for the simple things. His delight in popsicles or a song that he loves coming on the radio or seeing a construction site in action or his dad's sneak attack wrestling moves- it all can easily send him into an absolute fit of joy. I treasure this about him. 

Nolan is still napping every day- THANKYOUJESUS! He has turned into a pretty decent eater, though he certainly judges a meal by the way it looks. If I can get him to take a bite, he usually has no problem finishing it. He still loves hotdogs and fries. I cannot think of a fruit he doesn't love. His current favorite is peaches. He loves Life cereal, and I love the simplicity of that! As of late, he does not tire of peanut butter and honey sandwiches, and for that I must again say- THANKYOUJESUS! 

Nolan is Mr. Hospitality! It is so close to one of my favorite things about him. I hope we can encourage him in this! He is so quick to invite people to stay and eat, ask if they are hungry, etc. When other people are in our home, Nolan is the most selfless version of himself. It's almost shocking to see someone so young be so effortlessly intentional- is that possible? As a mom, I can only hope this means Nolan is always asking his friends over to our house. 

Without question, this past year has been the most humbling year mainly because of the force that is Nolan Tomberlin. I have a feeling there's a lot more to come, too. I love being his mom, but there are definitely days that I feel like he deserves better! And there are days that I want to cry because I just want to have fun with him but instead it feels like constant correcting. There are days of wondering, "Is actually anything getting through to him? Is anything sticking?" And then, I get to see that some of the most important things are. 

Today, at Chick-Fil-A, Isaac was nervous about the costumed cow being out. He kept looking around for it. Nolan started singing, "Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me." He looked at Isaac and said, "Isaac. That's about God's love. Because God's love makes fear go away! Say no to fear!" I smiled and high-fived the kid in my head. And he of course went on to say, "Punch fear in the eyeballs!" Because that is my 4 year old, Nolan Alex Tomberlin. 

Tough Mudder

"So, you want to do a Tough Mudder?"

I got something along those lines in a text message from Adam back in February. Mutual friends were putting a group together to get a break on the registration price for a Tough Mudder in April. I did a quick google search of Tough Mudder, which led me to their website. I looked through the obstacles and read about the event. My actual reaction was, "Why would anyone want to do this?" 

But, I heard myself say, "I guess I'll go for it." 

10-12 mile course with 20+ obstacles a lot of them in the mud. 

I regretted signing up for it the second we handed over our money. 

I started training for it only by putting extra focus on my upper body strength (not my favorite) and really hitting the cardio. I started running with a friend once a week and running by myself once a week. I am not a runner, so this wasn't an enjoyable adjustment for me. 

As the weeks flew by, we arrived at the week of the Tough Mudder before I knew it. And I. was. anxious. I hated that I had signed up for this thing. Hated might be strong, but it's in the right neighborhood. The only other girl in the group had a change in plans 1 week before the event, so it would be me with 4 other guys, one of them being Adam. 

I kept my eyes on the prize- getting to eat a yummy meal that I wouldn't typically indulge in. 

You see, on our 1 year anniversary dinner, Adam and I were out to eat celebrating (I was about 8 weeks pregnant at this point). And we were talking about our first year, about the surprises both good and bad. Obviously, the fact that I was pregnant was a huge surprise. But Adam said so seriously, "I was surprised to find out you're not as tough as I thought you were." 

Blame it on the hormones, but I wanted to cry. I couldn't believe he said that to me. 

[hindsight: I can believe it for so many reasons]

So, as silly as it sounds, I started to doubt my toughness in that very moment. Then Nolan's horrific birth experience happened. I really, really thought I was going to be able to deliver Nolan naturally, and I couldn't. And then I really doubted my toughness.

In the final days leading up to Tough Mudder, I tried to change my thoughts. "I am strong. I am tough. I can do this!" I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to keep up with guys and their experience would be dulled by my lack of toughness. 

Right as we were about to start the event, Adam who was so amped up at this point looked at me and said, "Are you ready??" And I barely nodded my head and said, "Ready for it to be over." 

And then before I knew it, I started jogging, didn't look back, and focused on doing the next thing. 

The initial obstacles weren't so tough. In fact, after a few of them, I was annoyed that I had gotten so worked up about this. But in the back of my head, I just knew the hard ones were coming. I knew that they were just building up my confidence to tackle the hard ones. 

When we hit the halfway point with the obstacles, it was called Everest 2.0. You had to run up a slick quarter pipe over 15 feet tall. If you didn't make it to the top, you just slid down and tried again. This was an obstacle that really the guys weren't going to be able to help me with except for being hands I grabbed at the top. People were sliding down all over the place. We are muddy after all. When everyone in our group had made it, I knew I just needed to do it. Fully expecting to try numerous times. 

So, I sprinted at the wall, kept my legs moving as long as I could, and I made contact with hands at the top and was able to pull myself over. 

And after that point- I was done doubting myself. I still had about 6 miles of running left and at least 10 obstacles to go, but I stopped all the self doubting talk in my head. I could do this. I was strong enough. I had trained well for this.

By the time we had a couple miles left of trail running, much of it uphill, I slowly took off from the group. I was done pacing myself. I knew the finish was close, and I just ran. And I wasn't super fatigued (just incredibly hungry), so I wanted to run this thing to the end. So, I was the first one in our group to actually make it to the last obstacle, which I waited for them so we could all do it together. 

It really was a great and fun experience. And to be clear, many of the obstacles were collaborative and emphasized team work. This was by no means accomplished by myself. And I did fail at the hardest obstacle, but I did way better than I thought I would. And way better than any of the guys thought I would do. 

I would definitely sign up for another Tough Mudder. And I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. Because I am tough enough! 

2 Years Old

I kept waiting and waiting for good light to take pictures of Isaac with the bear, and this morning I said, "Forget it! I'm doing it now!" So, the lighting isn't great, but I didn't want a whole month to pass by before getting this done.

At Isaac's 2 year check-up he weighed a few ounces shy of 30 pounds. I forget how long he is, but the doctor thinks he's going to be a big guy. I have a hard time envisioning it, except the kid can EAT! 

It seems fitting that Isaac's name means full of laughter because he is indeed FULL of laughter. And he's filled our home with laughter. Of course, no one makes him laugh quite like his brother can. Isaac calls Nolan, "No-no," and the day before Isaac turned 2, he said, "Nolan." I had actual tears in my eyes, but he switched back about 2 minutes later. 

Isaac was quite the Mama's boy this past year. He does adore his Daddy, but given the choice, he's going to pick his Mama every time. 

This kid- loves to eat! He loves the Cheetos that are pictured above! We only got Isaac 2 things for Christmas. A ball and that bag of Cheetos. He was so happy about both! He loves meatballs and pasta, hotdogs, just about all fruit, and is a pretty fantastic veggie eater, too! Isaac is generally willing to try anything I put in front of him, and I LOVE THAT about him! He can inhale something I made for dinner, but when I give him the leftovers for dinner a couple of days later, he's not so impressed. 

This guy is still sleeping in a crib with no plans to move him. He often goes BONKERS in his crib, and I just can't imagine him in a bed. He's a great sleeper, but ever since he started sharing a room with Nolan, he's been such a crazy guy! Jumping, falling, kicking, etc. He thinks it's hilarious. 

Isaac loves throwing rocks into water, dogs, getting very muddy, playing baseball, swinging, petting babies, and doing anything Nolan is doing. He's a great little communicator and has definitely started asserting his will often and loudly! And as he strings more and more words together, Nolan is finding that Isaac is standing up for himself more. 

 Isaac is a sweet boy who made having a one year old the absolute best! I'd happily do it all over again. But we all know that never happens, so I push myself to savor the 2 year old that he is. 

To My Precious 2 Year Old

Oh my Isaac Dean,

This past year sure did whiz by! One year old you was pretty much perfection! Ok, we all know that isn't true. No one year old is perfect, but gosh, you sure were close! And now you're two. TWO! 

You are full of personality, opinions, and belly laughs. You eat and eat and eat (except at breakfast), and you do it with enthusiasm. You still hold my hair and suck your thumb sideways. I really wouldn't have it any other way. Your squishy thighs are one of the best parts of my day, and I will squeeze them as long as I can. 

Isaac, you are the sweetest boy there is. I can't tell you how much joy and delight you bring our family. I love watching you play with Nolan or "pet" babies or read books by yourself. I love listening to you talk and sing. And just about the time you say, "No, sir," to Nolan, I could burst with laughter. I love feeling your hands on my face as you try to get my attention and my focus. I just love you so much, Isaac.

You are tough and determined. You can take a punch and just keep moving. You are daring and brave and willing to try new things. In fact, you help make Nolan more brave and daring. You are growing in independence, and I have mixed emotions about it. But I know it's good. You are turning into quite the little boy, my little love. I'm treasuring your littleness as I also try to encourage your bigness. It's tough! And boy is that feisty side of you showing up more and more! 

Isaac, I couldn't be happier to be your mom. Though you have a stubborn streak in you, I kind of knew that was inevitable. I love being home with you and getting a first row seat of your cuteness. You are lovable and adorable, so easy to enjoy! I love seeing your precious relationship with Nolan grow and strengthen, and I pray you two are buddies forever. 

I love you so much, Isaac. It's been SO FUN to celebrate wonderful you! Happy Birthday to my sweetest boy. I'll keep holding onto you as my baby for as long as I can. But, Isaac- welcome to 2! You're going to love it!

Love,
Mama

Throwing a Birthday Party For a Toddler

Yesterday we celebrated our dear Isaac Dean's birthday. He's two now and officially not a baby. Which means, potty training is on the horizon again. Which means, lots of little boy nakedness in my future. But anyways.

As it began to be time to plan a party for Isaac, I wanted to find that balance between- he's two years old and will never remember this and I love Isaac and birthdays so much, this needs to be a blast! 

Because I found that anytime I'm hosting or planning event, it can be a slippery slope of wanting to be creative and do things I love like crafts and bake but not do things with the hopes of being praised or recognized. I caught myself a few times wondering, "What's my motive behind this?" Because of all the Biblical counseling training, I've been able to recognize how my own heart can trick me. And even good things can have sinful intentions. 

We ultimately decided we'd do a cookout and to keep things super simple. Burgers, hotdogs, fruit, veggies, chips, and pasta salad. Done. We invited our family, our community group, and Adam's accountability group and hoped we'd have a great turnout because we genuinely love having people come together. 

I spent the majority of Saturday prepping for the party, and then we had to haul all the food and supplies to our neighborhood playground and haul it all back. It was a lot of hauling. But I stood back and snapped this picture at one point. 

It really and truly did not look like much. Not a pinterest quality party, if you will. But it was exactly what we were wanting. Friends and family and people that mean so much to us being together and playing and eating. I loved it. I kept pausing and watching kids play together and friends catching up, and I was thankful, so thankful, for this time together. All the baking (which I LOVED), all the grocery runs, and all the time spent to do this cookout- 100% worth it. Adam and I said repeatedly when it was over, "That was so great!" 

It was indeed Isaac's birthday party, but I also was mentally thinking of it as a celebration of different sorts. Friday we completed everything we needed to do in order to be certified for foster care. It's felt like a lot of work to push through to this point, and a lot of the people at Isaac's party were cheering us on the whole time. It felt right to have this gathering after reaching such a milestone. 

And now our family is on the brink of serious change. At our final home study on Friday, we were reminded again that fostering is going to inevitably mean some hard days are ahead of us. I'm not second guessing this decision, but I am choosing to savor this time together. I cried my eyes out on the final day before Isaac was born. There was a natural grieving of what we were about to lose. But it was certainly a thousand percent worth it. So, I hope I tell a similar story in the months to come, as I recognize our family is on the verge of another transition. 

It's so easy to want to hold onto my family so tightly, when I really need to hold onto Jesus. 

What a day celebrating Isaac! My heart is still so full after a wonderful time with everyone. 

The Week I Died

Last weekend I had my first Biblical counseling training seminar. I hope to soon circle back around to all I loved about that weekend, but that's not the point of this post. One of the teachers gave us this illustration:

When you take a water bottle and smash it, water will go flying out of the bottle. Why? Why does the water go flying? Well, the quick answer is because you smashed it. But the actual answer? The water goes flying out of the bottle because there was water in the bottle. 

There are several other illustrations of this same concept. You get it though. 

Last weekend I had some heart checks about a few things. 

And then my water bottle got smashed. 

The stomach virus has been lingering around our house for one person or another for the last nine days. I got it first and definitely got the most mild version of it. It seemed to gain force with each passing day. Adam went down on Sunday (which- it's cruel in itself to have Daddy be bedridden on a weekend day. I can handle a week day. But the weekend? Come on! That's a teamwork day!) But then he left for a work retreat before the sun came up on Tuesday. 

One of my takeaways from the weekend was to keep my focus on God's glory. Even wanting a little bit of glory for myself (which that can manifest itself in a lot of different ways) is self worship. 

Side note: I've decided that Christians need to start calling sin as it is. We don't address sin enough these days. End side note. 

So, the goal the whole time Adam was gone: God be glorified! 

I knew that I'd be vulnerable with a week of no Adam just because- exhaustion. But then Isaac succumbed to the virus the morning Adam left, the final Tomberlin to fall. All Tuesday morning I kept God's glory at the forefront of my mind. I decided early on to relinquish any agenda I had for the day and just be with my sick child, just the one at the time. Things were going well until dinner. And by well I mean that Nolan was pushing my buttons, but that three year old was not getting the best of me. But dinner happened. I had planned on us eating quickly and then going for a walk in order to wear Nolan out before dinner.

But he was being so difficult. 
And I was getting frustrated (nicer word for angry, am I right?)

He's been taking so long at the table lately. I'm talking 40 minutes and beyond. Tuesday night was no exception. And he was getting really sassy with the way he was talking to me, and I was NOT happy with him. His sin was amplifying my sin, or vice versa. But I recognized this. And you know what Nolan said to me? "Mommy, do you want to say sorry to me?" Ugh. NO!! DO YOU WANT TO SAY SORRY TO ME?! But I humbled myself. I apologized. 

Before bed I reminded Nolan that he needed to be really quiet in the morning because Isaac was sick and needed to get all the sleep he could. 

The next morning I heard Nolan crying well before the normal time that I get them, and I was angry (that's me calling sin what it is). I stood outside their door, took a deep breath, quoted Proverbs 15:1 to myself and walked in. It smelled horrendous in there. Isaac started crying in response to Nolan's crying, and I told Nolan he had to wait for me to come back while I changed Isaac's awful diarrhea diaper. Nolan cried the whole time I was out of his room.

When I came back into the room, I turned on the light, firmly said, "Nolan Tomberlin!" And then I saw him covered in vomit. 

And I nearly fell to the floor in guilt. 

Nolan was crying because he was sick and covered in old throw up. That's what smelled so horribly, not Isaac's diaper (though that was awful, too). As I started to apologize profusely and clean him up and assure him that Mommy always wants to help him, I just felt terrible. The words I used to text Adam were, "scum of the Earth." 

But you know what happened? My water bottle was smashed, and my water came out. 

And it was really yucky water apparently. 

The rest of the day was basically non-stop cleaning up of bodily fluids. Nolan was a disaster all day. Isaac, thankfully, was super laid back, so all of my attention was on Nolan. It was a long, hard day. And a good ole dose of humble pie. I really did die to myself all day long. And you know what? I needed a good kick to the booty. 

I cried that morning. Not just because I felt so horribly for treating Nolan so harshly, but this was a discouraging, humbling realization of where my heart was. But I got to repent right there in the midst of my awful morning, and ask God's grace to wash over me. And I can assure you I leaned hard into God's strength the rest of the day. 

I'm thankful on days like yesterday that it's highly unlikely that Nolan will ever say, "Remember that time you let me cry in my dried vomit while you chose to help Isaac first because you were mad?" I'm thankful that my water bottle is getting smashed right now. I want these idols of the heart to come crashing down now. I want to die to self in these early years of my children's lives. This life of mine isn't about me. I pray that God can continue to refine me (gently is the preferred way). Not to say that I'm going to just "get it," and by the time my kids are teenagers I'll basically be a sanctified beauty. But I do trust that God is working in me.

This morning, Isaac was covered in diarrhea, and I thought to myself, "Oh sweet mercy! I can't endure another day!" But I didn't have to. Both boys improved as the day went on. I will say, when Nolan is hangry, oh my word, he's a bear! But I deserved a bear after yesterday to be honest. 

When I held Isaac right before lowering him into his crib, the nightlight behind me cast a shadow of the two of us onto the wall. I stared at that shadow and took a mental picture. These moments are so fleeting. As I was spending some extra time with Nolan in his bed tonight, we were whispering on and on about fruit trees. He eventually said, "I've been thinking about fruit trees all day. I just needed to know about them." And I wanted to snuggle him forever. 

I can only hope and pray I continue to die a little bit more each day. But oh sweet Jesus, please don't make it happen in the form of the stomach virus anymore!!!

Nine Happenings with the Tomberlins

I've had so little margin lately but so many thoughts, so once again, I just need to break the blogging ice. 

1. One weekend in January, Adam and I completed 20 HOURS of training for becoming foster parents. It was a lot of information. It was a lot to process. And when we left, I was overwhelmed with the amount of work we still had to do. But as of Thursday of last week, we completed everything we could've possibly done on our own. We got an e-mail today to set up our first home study (1 of 3). When I got the e-mail from our home study specialist, I wanted to jump up and down, but I was in a meeting. Realistically, the hardest parts of this journey are inevitably still to come, but it feels good to get working on the home stretch. 

2. Not that long ago, we decided that we would go upstairs to read 30 minutes before we wanted to go to sleep, and I really, really hope we stay disciplined to continue doing this. Being the old people we are, that means we go upstairs by 9:30. 

3. I stumbled upon a new baking blog recently, and I want to bake so many things every day now. One of my 2017 goals was to keep trying out new recipes (for dinner) and not fall into a slump of the same old recipes. The renewed spark in my love for baking as actually helped in my desire to cook yummy, healthy dinners for us. And I got a pressure cooker for Christmas, so I've been trying out new recipes the last few weeks trying to get good at it. 

4. Isaac Dean has turned into quite the opinionated stinker, but he is so utterly adorable it's hard to discipline him with a straight face. 

The cutest little Falcons fans you ever did see!

5. In efforts to prepare our home to welcome a child in foster care, we pulled the trigger and put Nolan in Isaac's room last week. I did it thinking that it would only last about .2 seconds. And I was pleasantly surprised. Nolan was over the moon excited to have a companion in the room with him, and Isaac wakes up each morning saying, "No-no?" Which is what he calls Nolan. It's pretty much precious. They even nap at the same time in the same room. This might still be the honeymoon phase, but it also might be just a beautiful and wonderful reality for us. 

6. My sweet, sweet friend gifted me for my birthday a photo scavenger hunt date with Adam. Someone else thinking it was important for Adam and I to have fun and go on a date and be silly was one of the most thoughtful gifts a friend has given me. I really loving spending time with that guy. 

We were supposed to find a statue and do our best to replicate it.

7. One day I came down the stairs in jeans and our church shirt that volunteers wear on Sundays, and Nolan looked at me and said, "Mommy, you are so pretty!" I about melted. Because I can assure that I did not look so pretty. In fact, I felt quite worn down on the inside. That little boy has a tender heart, and when we catch glimpses of it, it's the cutest thing!

8. I've been reading the Bible cover to cover since August. I'm in Ezekiel right now. I've never read the Bible just straight through. I've come to the same conclusions several times. One, I'd like to get a chronological Bible. I think it  would just be helpful! And two, I'm so thankful for Jesus. 

9. Nolan is memorizing Bible verses like a BOSS these days. He can say several verses with very little prompting, and it makes me realize how important these young years are when it comes to training up our children.