The Three Musketeers

For the last four years, it's been me and the boys doing life day in and day out. Some days have been really hard, and some days have been kinda magical. But most days are both. The days are filled with moments that are entirely forgettable (please!!), and then there are moments that feel worth all the hard. Honestly, I've felt that lately that balance is tipped not the way I want. 

In the last couple of months, I've tried to be intentional with our time. Especially when school was in, and I only had Nolan home two days a week. I knew that I wanted to fight for moments and experiences with them that they will likely never remember. But I might. And I know these experiences and togetherness won't necessarily make for concrete memories that they are able to recall, but I hope it evokes a feeling of belonging together. 

In a couple of years, I don't think Nolan and Isaac will remember the day we skipped Bible Study to go hike Sope Creek. But I hope the fact that I thought Nolan was brave enough to climb the hugest rock there gives him a tiny bit of lasting confidence that he CAN do hard things. And the fact that I stayed with Isaac throwing rock after rock after rock ensures him that I am interested in what he's interested in.

I don't think they'll remember the time we walked allllll of Leita Thompson with Mommy's big belly and had our picnic lunch on the lawn, praising ourselves for going the distance. But it might be a part of them believing that it's more fun and easier to do things together. Walking up those hills didn't seem quite as daunting, since we talked and laughed and Ispy-ed our way through it.

Gosh, in a few years, they might not be as eager to make their Daddy's birthday cake with me. But this year, they wanted every bit a part of celebrating our favorite guy. And the cake took approximately 12 times longer to finish with their "help," but it was worth it. Because us Tomberlins think celebrating the people we love is always a good idea. And this core value of ours must be learned. And I'm trusting they are learning as we do it together. But I don't think it's a memory that will stick out in their minds. They'll just know that we celebrate birthdays and love to make people feel special.

Now, I think they might remember the time we road tripped to see Daddy only because it started this delightful experience called Gas Station Treats. I let them get out and pick a treat from the gas station store after driving non-stop for four hours (impressive in my opinion- for the 4 and 5 year old AND the very pregnant Mommy). We really made a trip of it, going to see Adam's sister after our weekend with him, and Nolan exclaimed, "Mommy and the boys! We do it all together!" And I smiled, knowing these days are numbered. These days of just Mommy and the boys will be coming to a quick end, and it probably won't take long before we can't imagine life without our baby girl. 

These years have been filled with a lot of hard, too. I feel overwhelmingly discouraged many days with just how short I fall. I get so frustrated with the fighting, the provoking, and the whining. I have said desperately many times, "I just want to enjoy them!!" But the correcting can feel so consuming. In a microwave world that often lends itself to immediate results, parenting is nothing like that. Days and weeks and months of correcting over and over with little to no fruit can lead to despair if there is no hope that only the Holy Spirit can change hearts. So, I keep showing up, failing so often. Like all of the good times I know they'll forget, I hope they also will forget my moments of impatience, anger, and selfishness. 

Today I was in the kitchen cleaning up lunch, and they were in one of the front rooms coloring. They both were clearly quite impressed with their work, and they started saying, "I can't wait to show Mommy. She's going to be AMAZED!" I smiled at this, too. I am well aware that I do a lot wrong, but their confidence in my reaction to their coloring was encouraging. 

We are in the final month before Baby Nemo is due, and I'm wanting to squeeze out the goodness of these days. They won't remember it all, and Lord knows my memory fails me all the time. But the picnic lunches in the backyard just because, the books on the couch, the teamwork in the kitchen, the hours in the car- I hope and pray these moments are like building blocks. That we're laying a foundation that will forever impact them. 

There's big changes coming for these Three Musketeers. I'm thankful for the last 6 years when being Mama to my crew first started. I can't believe I get to start over with another little one soon. 

Baby Girl, we cannot wait to meet you!! But while we wait, we're going to go out with a bang being the Three Musketeers! 

Because I Said I Wouldn't Be A Month Late

Typically for my kiddos' birthdays I do a letter to them and a picture recap of the year. The letter is more important to me, so I was sure to get Isaac's done in a reasonable time. It was still over a week late. But I've just been dragging my feet to get the recap done. But it WON'T be a month overdue. 

Isaac Dean is 4. This past school year, Nolan had school three days a week. So, Isaac and I had 3 days together. He was seriously the best little errand buddy and independent player on those days. I tried to do something most days that he wanted to do (like a puzzle or swing, etc), but realistically that didn't always happen. But I loved my time with just Isaac. 

Isaac showed signs of being a little more independent and a little more brave. I'd say he still has a preference for mom, but he is definitely growing out of the Mama's boy phase. He participated in Lighthouse talent shows without tears, and that was kind of a big deal! He initiates conversation and play with kids he doesn't know on the playground, and he is confident enough to walk up to an adult and introduce himself. I love this about him!

Isaac is my little sous chef in the making! He LOVES to bake with me, and he will happily drag his chair over to the island to be a part of whatever I'm making. He likes to pull all of the things out of the drawer, but I typically don't mind. He's actually getting pretty good about understanding dry ingredients, wet ingredients, etc. I love doing this with him. I admit that there are times when he really slows me down, and it does annoy me. But 9 times out of 10, I love it!

Isaac's interest in sports has increased this year. He loves watching football, and he got better at keeping up with his brother during flag football games. Isaac has heard pretty much his whole life how fast Nolan is. But he's had to fight to keep up with his big brother, and now he is finally get to hear people say that HE is fast. Isaac played soccer for the first time this spring, and he was the fastest and most aggressive player on his team. Nolan sure did train him well. 

Isaac really is so easy to love. He's still sweet and tender. He is SO excited that we have a baby sister coming. He will lovingly put his head on my ever growing belly and kiss it. He cannot wait to meet her, and it really does bring me so much delight to think about him being a big brother to her. He wants to hold her and help, and I plan on utilizing him. Isaac loves all babies and enjoys our friends' babies. I'm thinking his transition to middle child will be hardest on me- not him.

I can't believe Isaac is four. He is starting school in August, and it just doesn't seem possible. I'm thankful that he still chooses to hold my hand. He tells me without prompting quite often that he loves me. And he is just an easy going little boy. But he is definitely switching over to a big boy. I looked at him for some time at the dinner table recently, and I could see less and less of toddler Isaac. 

I'm thankful that discipling and training three year old Isaac wasn't quite as brutal as three year old Nolan. But you can't help but wonder if it's coming this year. 

I love being this boy's Mama, and I'm so glad he's a Tomberlin! 

Happy Birthday, Isaac Boy

Oh Isaac Dean!

How are you four?? 

It doesn't seem possible. Didn't we just breathe a big sigh of relief after you were born?

But you are so quick to remind me that you are in fact four years old! I've loved every bit of being your Mama, and I'm so grateful God placed you in our family right when He did. 

You have such a tender heart, but you can be a tough little dude when you want to be. You are not one to be outdone by your big brother, and you love keeping up with everything he does. But there is a sweetness to you that just hasn't faded, and I can't help but wonder if this is just part of who you are. 

You LOVE babies, and you think every single one of them is the cutest ever. I cannot wait to see you with your sister. Just the other day you told me you couldn't wait for her to be here because you want to pet her. And you also said that if she doesn't like when you hold her, you'll give her back to me. Oh Isaac, how could she not like you? She will adore you. We all do. I will love watching you be big brother to her. 

This year you have become a little more brave, a little more daring. And it's been so fun to watch. I do enjoy when your eyes scan for me, looking for my reassurance that you actually CAN do whatever you are about to attempt. I know one day, it won't be me your eyes are scanning for. I love being your biggest fan and loudest cheerleader. So for these numbered days, I treasure being your biggest confidence boost. 

Isaac, you are a joy and a delight. You are headed to preschool at the end of the summer, and I can hardly believe just like that I've lost my time at home with just you. While I'm confident you will love school and obviously your teachers will love you, I will miss your companionship, your impromptu "I love you" declarations, your ease of going with the flow, and your little hand that sometimes still reaches up for mine even when I know you no longer need it. But you choose it. 

I love you, big four year old. I love you. I like you. I enjoy you. And I'm proud of you. 

Happy 4th Birthday!

Love,
Mommy

Sweet Baby Nemo

Before too much time passes, I wanted to be sure to make a note of the sweetness that has been sharing the news of our baby with Nolan and Isaac. 

I had a check-up on Valentine's Day. At that point I was 15.5 weeks pregnant, but we still had not told the boys, wanting just one more confirmation that baby was alive and well in there. Our plan was to tell them that night.

We had breakfast for dinner, a family favorite around here. Like we did last year, we sent them each on their own scavenger hunts to find their Valentine from us (a book). We brought them downstairs, and told them we had 1 more surprise and gave each of them a small wrapped package. Inside they each found a Falcons onesie. Confused by how small their new gear was, we told them that those onesies were actually for the baby growing in Mommy's tummy. 

Isaac gasped and walked immediately over to my stomach, wanting to see the baby. There were lots of questions and general excitement, and they were all in all very tender and sweet about the fact that there's a baby joining our family. Picturing those two big boys coming to the hospital to see their baby brother or sister about did me in. I continue to hang in this balance of asking the Lord for a healthy baby and knowing His will is not always (rarely?) my will, but it IS always best. 

After we enjoyed the news of a baby coming, we let the boys watch Finding Nemo, their favorite Valentine's Day treat of all. And pretty much since then, Adam and I have been calling the baby Nemo.

In the weeks that have followed, there has not been a day that has gone by without those little boys praying for the baby growing in my belly. When we first get in the car each day we always pray together. I pray for everyone in the family, and then everyone gets to pick someone to pray for. Nolan has picked the baby every.single.day. And Isaac has also picked the baby probably 90% of the time (and the times he didn't, he chose Sammy). 

On Mondays we check to see what size the baby is and wonder out loud what that baby is doing in there. I can feel the baby move, but no one else can yet. They are VERY eager for their turn. My belly is certainly looking pregnant now, and both of them will walk up and just stare at it. Yesterday the boys caught the tail end of my workout, and Isaac asked, "Is the baby doing that, too??" 

While I imagine there are some struggles to come with having a bigger gap between Isaac and this next one, them being older and able to better understand what's going on has been very sweet to be a part of. When Nolan wasn't even two, he did not care one bit about brother on the way except for all the ways Isaac disrupted his lap space as my belly got bigger and bigger. 

Next week we get to find out if it is a brother or a sister in there. I'm thankful that I'm 100% confident that they will be happy with either. Just like their mom and dad. 

Another One

Another due date came and went for me. 

Friday, February 1 would've been the target date for the second Tomberlin baby we lost. 

This one felt so different than the first. The morning of August 12th, I sat in my chair where I do quiet time, and I could just so clearly imagine that baby wrapped up in a hospital blanket with a little hat on. I could really picture in my mind her sweet tiny face [I don't know the baby was a girl, but that's what my instinct was]. But there was something tender and precious about picturing that baby girl. 

This time around, I looked back on the last nine months and felt like the sting of death was much stronger. There was a path of destruction like you see after a tornado. There was no sweetness to picturing a baby I won't meet until heaven because I never really even got to get excited about that one. Before I ever got pregnant, my gut was that I would lose another one. Maybe it was fear. Maybe it wasn't. While I viewed every day I carried that little one as a gift, my mind didn't make the shift like with the first one. There was a sense of uncertainty from the first moment. 

In the wake of that loss, I've faced months of stomach pain and digestion problems. Adam and I struggled in our relationship and understanding of each other. And for months, issues went unaddressed and festered in our hearts. 

So waking up on February 1, I felt heavy hearted. Again. I grieved not just the loss, but also everything that death has touched since then. 

Now, God did do and has done and is continuing to do such worthwhile work in our hearts, I'm grateful to the core of my being. Every single bit of this story is grace. 

And today, I am 14 weeks pregnant with another baby. 

There is once again life growing in my womb. This baby has already been a FORCE in our lives, quite literally bringing us to our knees, and God is using this little one to break places in our hearts that needed to be broken that we might experience the fullness of Him. 

Throughout the day on February 1, I couldn't help but wonder at times if I would be adding another empty due date to the list- August 4th. I'm in a really unfortunate in between stage of no longer feeling the grossness of the first trimester, but I also can't feel the baby move. Even today I thought to myself, "Do I even feel pregnant at all?" 

The day and evening of our anniversary, I was 7 weeks pregnant, and I started feeling cramps. For anyone that's had a miscarriage, this can be a terrifying and familiar feeling. I tried to ignore them, pray through them. As I was getting ready to shower before a date with Adam, I clutched my abdomen, choked back the tears, and pleaded with God for life. I asked God for faith to believe because I was so fragile. 

While I'm not that fragile now, I still know there are no guarantees. I don't know that I'm bringing a baby home from the hospital in August. My friend got me a onesie that has a rainbow on it, and it says "Tiny Miracle." And I so badly want to believe I'll get to put that on my baby, but I've seen the reality that God's ways are not mine. 

But I know He can be trusted regardless. 

I'm praying this next due date is full of hope and joy and maybe some labor pains. 

Looking Back at 2018

It's hard to believe 2018 is ending, but we had a Tomberlin party tonight to send it out with gusto.

This year has been a year of walking through valleys and deep pain. It seemed like every two months we experienced loss, tried to process it, only to be knocked back down again. I've tried to think about how to really recap the year without it turning into a sob story. But the reality is, this year was hard. 

We struggled through the loss of the first baby, left our church in a painful exit, handed Sammy boy over to his new foster family, lost another baby, and struggled in our relationship in the aftermath of it. I had months of stomach and digestion issues that culminated in an IBS diagnosis that seems like will altar my eating indefinitely. And the final trial of 2018 leaves Adam and I working through some heart issues that have caused pain and heartache. 

It's been a year of a lot of hard days. We had been calling 2018 the year of disappointment, but last month I told Adam I felt convicted about it and needed to stop. Because God has been good TO ME. There has been joy so intertwined with the sorrow, you can't help but notice how often they go hand in hand. 

One of the biggest blessings was experiencing my friends step into my pain and walk through sorrows with me. After our second loss, these ladies showed up in my life, each in their unique ways, but together they were a force of life to me as I walked the valley of miscarriage again. I haven't ever had friends like this. I honestly just thought I wouldn't have them either, that only some people get that gift. It was a humbling season of being able to offer very little to them, but this is how true community works. And I'm so grateful for them.

One of the silver linings of being at a new church was that no one knew us, so more Sunday mornings than I can count, I cried my way through those worship songs. I'm not sure I would've had my guard down at our other church. It was small and there was no hiding. While we are so eager to put roots down at this church now, I'm thankful I had the time, space, and freedom to have those Sunday mornings without having to give an answer to those around me. 

Life after my second miscarriage, living in stomach pain pretty much daily, I had a lot of days of feeling like a really bad mom. It was hard to want to do fun things and extend grace or give a gentle answer when I was constantly in pain and definitely irritable. I was so frustrated. Frustrated with no answers or progress and frustrated that my boys were paying a price, too. But they were (and are) both so quick to forgive me, and think I'm so special. Literally, that's what they've been telling me lately. Which yes, their sweet words of love could make me feel like dirt in about .2 seconds, but their tender hearts toward me were absolutely precious. 

When I lost the first baby, I asked my prayer group to please pray that I would know God's love for me as I walked through this loss. Well, as 2018 unfolded, it seemed like it was just loss and pain repeatedly. In the middle of the summer, I was losing stamina. I was showing up each morning for my quiet time and struggling. I had so many questions. I was looking for a nearness to God that I wasn't experiencing. But I just kept crawling before Him each morning. In November, I cut out Facebook and other time wasters. For the most part, I stopped watching anything at nap time. I was looking for opportunities to be more attentive to God and the Holy Spirit. One night I was upstairs, on my face, praying Scripture. God gave me such a clear picture, and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God loved me. And I wept. That moment right there, changed the sorrow of 2018. I just needed to know. I reread a book on suffering that I hadn't read in ten years, and the Holy Spirit used it to do such a shift in my heart. I actually had the thought on Sunday morning at church (when I wasn't crying through worship) that I was actually thankful for all I had walked through. 

What I keep calling the final punch of 2018 is not ready to be written about, but one day, I'm confident it will be yet another marker of God's faithfulness in my life. That confidence is there not because I know the road ahead of us is going to be easy, actually the opposite is true, but I know that God completes work He begins, and He is for me! To be able to say that with confidence right now is worth dark days of 2018. 

2018 changed me forever! I'm not ready to do another year quite like that one, but I'm fully aware that only God knows what 2019 holds for us. I'm sure there is more hardship to come, but I'm also sure that the work God did in me this year will not be undone.

A lot of hard and a lot to be thankful for this year!

Tricky October

I had the thoughts and intentions to sit down and write about 17 times since the last time, which was 7 weeks ago. But alas. Here it is.

As September closed, I was feeling pretty steady, and then October came.

I've had ongoing complications with my stomach since the miscarriage in June, and I finally sought out a GI to get some help. I sat in her office almost 4 months to the day of our second loss, and I listened to this doctor tell me that unfortunately I could be experiencing IBS as a result of the miscarriage. She gave me a new diet to follow for 6 weeks, some powerful (and expensive) probiotics, and sent me on my way. I did see almost instant positive results, and by the second week of this diet, I realized that some of these dietary changes could be staying with me indefinitely. And it feels so disappointing to have that attached to a miscarriage for so many reasons. Being an avid baker, going gluten-free stinks. Having to tell people who invite us over for dinner that I can't eat a list of food stinks (It's all 100% doable and a first world problem, I understand).

Once October comes, I spend too much time looking for Christmas pajamas for my kids. I love Christmas pajamas. I usually get 2 pairs each season. One set is distinctively THE Christmas pajamas, and I try for one set to be more wintry. Last year I was looking for three boys, and this year, just two. When I found THE Christmas pjs, there was an infant version to "complete the set." And my heart ached. I want to need the infant version. There could've been another Tomberlin in those pajamas. We've also been open for a foster placement for two and a half months with no child placed in our home. 

Last week, I realized I was late, and I had the thought that I could be pregnant. The thought that God was going to give us a baby when we were trying to NOT have a baby was exciting! I waited a couple of days, but I eventually took a pregnancy test simply because I could not handle the thought that I was pregnant and not taking every measure possible for a healthy baby. But no. Just my cycle out of whack. 

Isaac hit three and a half in October, and I'm aware that my boys are leaving the "little years." Nolan is already out of there. And Isaac is close on his heels (literally and figuratively). It feels like I'm leaving a season I was never ready to see end. Adam and I often comment on the perks of our kids getting out of the needy and demanding younger years. But we'd start over with another one in a heartbeat. 

All this to say, October ended up being tricky. 

BUT.

I'm reading Tozer's The Pursuit of God, and I've been convicted in every chapter to want God more than I want anything else. In chapter three he says, "...God is so vastly wonderful, so utterly and completely delightful that He can, without anything other than Himself, meet and overflow the deepest demands of our total nature, mysterious and deep as that nature is." That is where I want to be. The prayer of my heart has been, "I long to long for You only." 

In Daniel 6, King Darius discovers that Daniel has survived the night with the lions, and he says about the God of Daniel, "for he is the living God, enduring forever; his kingdom shall never be destroyed, and his dominion shall be to the end. He delivers and rescues; he works signs and wonders in heaven and on earth, he who has saved Daniel from the power of the lions." (6:26-27)

I wrote this on an index card to keep in my Bible. I'm thankful this is the God I serve and worship. And He's still a Rescuer and Deliverer. His signs and wonders are on display, and I'm try to be more intentional about noticing them. 

God is aware of how I feel about my new diet. God knows the desire of my heart regarding our family. And God Himself is more than enough to satisfy me. And I do believe that is true. I'm just not always convinced. So, when the overwhelming desire to hold our baby hits, "God, you are enough. I want You more than I want our baby." When I want to throw a pity party about the dietary restrictions, "God, I want you more than I want a fixed digestive system. You are enough." I rarely FEEL that way, but I think I've said this many times, I cannot trust my feelings. When I was at a Biblical Counseling training class, the teacher said repeatedly, "Do not trust your heart! Your heart is fickle! TRUST YOUR HEAD!" 

I imagine the holidays could be a roller coaster this year. I'm working to be filled with gratitude in every high and every low. He is enough. He's given me more than I ever could deserve. His grace is evident in every moment of every day. And I will keep uttering my heart's longings while asking Him for more of Himself.