N O L A N

I love this picture. 
Nolan has been adamant for months, maybe over a year that he does not like snow. Now, Nolan hasn't experienced snow since he was 19 months old. And it was a positive experience. But somewhere along the way, Nolan decided he didn't like snow, and he was not to be swayed. 

In December, we went to a big Christmas light display, and it fake snowed. He nearly lost his mind. He was basically paralyzed with fear. It made me sad to watch him miss out on fun with his friends because he was so fixated on the fake snow. 

At the beginning of the month it looked to be a sure thing that it would snow here. When people asked Nolan about it with excitement, he'd start to get visibly anxious, looking to me for assurance that it wasn't going to snow. And well, it snowed. It actually iced. With a tiny bit of snow on top of the ice. 

Adam and I knew that he was going to be upset, and we knew that we were going to make him go outside and experience it. 

And...

He loved it. Adam put him on the sled and took off. 

And he laughed.

He liked hearing the crunch of the ice snow when we walked around. He liked seeing his boots make foot print. He just liked it. 

Whatever made him believe that snow was scary was negated when he actually experienced it. I'm sure this will happen with him many more times in the future. He gets so sure of things. Because what he thinks becomes his truth. And sometimes his truth needs to be replaced with actual truth.

We didn't last very long outside. But it made me so happy to see his countenance actually change as he let loose and enjoyed himself outside.

Now, driving on the ice...whole different story.

A Look Back at 2016

Here we are, about to turn the calendars over again. Really? Another year is about to be completed. In the big picture of our country, this year has felt like a continuous punch to the face. I mean...Donald Trump is our President elect. I'm not even going down that road. 

But instead of focusing on the face punches, I want a highlight reel for the Tomberlins.

Community Group- For the first time since we got married, we had a full year of committed and consistent community group. It was amazing. We had to really fight for this, but it.was.worth.it. We've had 2 couples welcome babies. Two couples bought their first houses. One couple walked through unthinkable heartache over the summer. We've eaten together, laughed together, grown together, served each other, prayed for each other, and after 12 months, we still really, really like each other. It's been a gift I didn't know we so badly needed. 

We bought a house. Though I really, really thought this wasn't going to happen in 2016, it did! We bought a house in the neighborhood we loved on the very first day of looking at houses. There's been a lot of pros and cons to home ownership, and our to-do list is still about a mile long. But we have loved having a space that is ours. We get to do projects around our house, and though we often feel like our finances will never support our dreams for this place, we enjoy investing time and effort into our space. 

One of the things that's really marked our life post house buying is that we enjoy and try to regularly open our home and table to others. Right now over our table it says, "Give thanks." But my heart for our kitchen table is that there's always room for you to belong here. I love having people over for dinner, not in an entertaining sort of way. I never do it fancy. And sometimes it actually does sound fun to make everything look just right, but I've learned to try to let people come be a part of our table as is (though, I do usually wipe it down). I have several meals that are "go-to" meals for when we have people over, and I assure you, NONE of them are fancy!

Beach Vacation. This really doesn't need much of an explanation. A week at the beach with my family was awesome. The last full day there, the waves were crazy big, and the whole day felt perfect. We enjoyed coffee on the gorgeous deck, were complete idiots and swam in the ocean with it's raging waves, and celebrated the dads. That last day was superb perfection.

I'm not pregnant! We are moving forward with our plan to foster/adopt to grow our family. I admit. I was weak right around the time Isaac turned 1. But once that mourning passed, I've held SUPER strong on this issue. It's weird not knowing that there will for sure be a baby in this house soon. Isaac still gets treated like a baby, even though he's just a few weeks away from being the same age Nolan was when Isaac arrived. C R A Z Y! 

Counseling. I can't adequately explain the massive positive this was in 2016 for me and our whole family. I was in a tough spot spiritually going into counseling. Not because I was uninterested in my relationship with Christ, but because I felt so incredibly stuck. This was affecting my mom life in a major way. And I still have a long ways to go because- sanctification doesn't just happen after 3.5 months of counseling. But what a difference in my entire being to start focusing on who God is, studying His character, and repenting for all the sin that became just normal stuff. The books I've read, the Scripture I've memorized, it's been life changing. And I'll probably need reminders for the rest of my life to look UP.

WACO. Oh man, oh man! Roadtripping with Adam in October was so much fun!!! Which is good because we literally have not been on a date since that trip. We took that trip to celebrate (a little early) 5 years of marriage. It was amazing to take 5 days to just be Adam and Marissa. AMAZING. When I think back on our time together, I still smile because we so enjoyed being together doing even basic things like working out. 

Looking back on the year, there's a lot for me to be thankful for. My family of four has been loved so well by our family and friends. I'm going to be honest, I'm a little nervous headed into 2017 with some recent developments, but I'm choosing to focus on God's faithfulness this year, praise Him for it, and trust that He's still going to be faithful next year, too. 

One And a Half?

Isaac Dean,

You're one and a half now, and somehow, this feels harder than when you turned 1. The second time around, I knew that fresh one year olds were still very much babies. And, to put it quite plainly, you were a Momma's boy. So, though still a big milestone, it was gentle.

But now. Now I feel my baby slipping away from me. I see you moving more and more into toddlerhood and farther and farther away from babyhood. Praise the Lord your thighs are still quite squishy! But last Thursday, as you, me and Nolan went upstairs to brush teeth, you walked up them. You held onto the wall and walked up the stairs. You didn't crawl. And I just stared at you. With a little bit of sadness in my heart.

I generally try to embrace the growing up. Because there's lots of fun with the new stages. The past 6 months you have been irresistible to your dad and me. So, I can acknowledge that we could be headed for more and more cuteness with you. But I know the disciplining is coming. And so, I just want to pause in this sweetness knowing it has an expiration date. 

You still lay that sweet head of yours on my shoulder. You still prefer to suck your thumb while holding my hair. You still call out for Mama when I simply go upstairs to do something. But I know that one time, it will be the last time you do these things. But I won't know to cherish it. Like the whole the stairs thing. 

Over the weekend we went to celebrate Alee's birthday, and on Saturday night you woke up at 2 in the morning (very, very rare from you, sir) calling out for me. After off and on whimpering from you, I just laid you on my chest in my bed, and you slept soundly the rest of the night. Here's the thing. It wasn't comfortable for me- at all. My back was aching. I needed to readjust. You were putting your little foot in a really weird spot on my knee, and I didn't like it. 

But I just savored every bit of it. 

I wasn't doing much sleeping, so I tried to memorize and store up the feeling of you snuggled into me sound asleep. Because it was magical. 

Isaac, I adore you and love you and enjoy you. You are a delight, usually. I don't want to freeze time necessarily, but I love this stage of you. Your giggle and voice are the best! When you lift your eyebrows and make your Oh! face, I'm done. You're just the cutest. I love you, sweet boy. At any moment now I know you could switch your allegiance to Daddy. So, each day that you love your Mama so fiercely is a gift!

You are a treasure, Isaac. I love you so much!

Love,

Mama

I Chose Well

Adam and I went on a 4 night trip to celebrate our 5 year anniversary that's coming up in December. The thing about December is 1. it's already crazy with all of the holiday mayhem and 2. our kids are far more likely to be sick and disrupt our celebratory plans. We know this because the last 2 years their sickness ruined changed the plans we made. 

We decided to do a road trip to Waco, Tx instead of a cruise to the Bahamas. And let me just say, we picked the right trip!! Hello, Hurricane Matthew. That plan would've been a disaster. 

Adam and I decided that the road trip was going to provide more of the quality time that we wanted. Laid back. No urgency to see any sights. Our own schedule. And the Hampton Inn. Win, win, win, win. 

I shed a few tears the day before we left, but for the most part, my anxiety about leaving my boys was quite mild. And once we pulled out of the driveway, there was very little anxious thinking at all. I had full confidence in the grandparent situations. And I was really needing a break.

I really can't put words to the giddy feeling I had for most of the trip. Spending so much uninterrupted time with Adam was so fun, so refreshing, and so needed. Not quite 5 years into marriage, and we're still in the "life is so much more fun together" stage. I'm not sure what I expected marriage to be like at this point, but it wasn't this.

But I'm oh so grateful that this is where we are right now. I'm thankful that we've chosen to embrace each other's differences that could drive us crazy (ok, ok, sometimes they do drive us crazy). I'm thankful that we try to not take things too seriously. We laugh so much and genuinely enjoy being together. I'm thankful for who Adam is as a man and as my husband. I'm thankful that we have real conversations about our crap, our dreams, our fears, and our learnings. 

Being away with just Adam made me want to be go away more often. Of course I love and adore my children, but I also know that one of the most loving things I can do for them is to prioritize my marriage. 

We got a lot of puzzled looks when we said we were driving to Waco for our anniversary. But, I would do it all over again. I hope I can hold onto how great those 5 days were for a long time. Also, we ate In-n-Out twice in less than 24 hours, and it just felt right. I love that Adam was so on board with that idea.

The fact that our story exists is such a testimony to God's grace in our lives. As the years go by, I'm more and more grateful to God for this man. 

I chose well, people. I chose well. 

How Looking At My Sin Has Made Me A Better Mom

Though it's been quiet on the blog for the last 6+ weeks, it rarely is in real life. And I mean that literally and metaphorically. 

For the last 7 weeks I've been receiving Biblical counseling from a local church (that's not my own) ministry. It's been not what I expected at all. There is a lot of homework to do each week. There's a lot of reading. And it's.been.amazing. 

I'm still in the midst of working through some stuff, but I can already see how God in His kindness and mercy has been doing a good work in my heart. 

Nolan and I had some hard days this summer. Days that may have actually felt like weeks. I couldn't figure out what was going on with us. I didn't know who this little boy was that screamed at me in such defiance. I couldn't understand his repeated disobedience. It seemed like I was failing on every front. I was so discouraged. There was a day that Nolan and I went to battle so many times, that when Adam got home from work, he just packed the kids up and left so I could be in the house by myself (that's a good man!!). 

Here I was, so sure that God was stirring up dreams and visions for me that He had placed in my heart years ago about bringing the unlovable children into my home and family, and I couldn't even figure out how to mother Nolan. Why in the world would God entrust other people's kids into my care if I couldn't handle the ones I had??

I wrote a blog post back in July that I really and truly wept through as I wrote it (I took it down after 24 hours) because I felt like I was missing out on some of "the best times" of my kid's life because we were having these tough, stubborn battles of the will. 

As I started counseling at the end of July, a much needed shift happened for me. I was assigned books and sermons and Bible passages that forced me to look up at my holy, perfect, lacking absolutely nothing God. In the midst of studying His character and attributes, I began to realize just how small, wretched, and desperate Marissa is. I took good, long looks at my sin, and I crumbled to my knees in both gratitude and repentance. The fact that I have been given the righteousness of Christ is beyond humbling. 

Somewhere along the way of this life, I started to humanize God and shorten the chasm between me and Him. How pompous of me! It is only because of the work of the Holy Spirit that this wrong and sinful way of thinking is being corrected. 

But as God is being returned to His rightful place in my mind and heart, things at home are changing, too. When parenting becomes about me, it will surely end in failure. But as I fix my eyes on Jesus and set my sights on the glory of God, parenting becomes about Him. Making dinner, changing diapers, doing all the laundry, training Nolan to obey, teaching Scripture, going on walks, praying for owies- all for the glory of God. And you know what, that may sound extreme and all too spiritual. I can assure you that I don't wipe booties thinking about who God is, but it's that I've set my heart and my life to be about God's kingdom, God's glory and not my own. 

I'm writing this all down not because I think I'm great, but quite the opposite. I think the enemy wants to keep me in a place where I'm sitting on the throne of my own life because it leads to destruction. And I want to be able to come back and remember. Remember that I am a sinful person in need of a Savior and by God's grace alone, I've been rescued. 

At church on Sunday we sang the song Ever Be, and I could've easily dissolved into a puddle. As I've been forced to acknowledge my depravity and be so saddened by the condition of my heart, I can't help but want to praise God for His work in me. May His praise always and ever be on my lips! 

I'm absolutely and always will be a work in progress, but I'm thankful that there is work in progress in me. All glory to God! 

A Memory

I had one of those moments yesterday when I was relishing in an Adam memory, and I realized that I needed to get it written down before it gets fuzzy. 

It's a story that's been told many times, but it gets told less and less the longer we've been married. 

I moved out to Seattle in August of 2010, and on the drive out there is really when Adam and I started texting and never stopped. In the beginning of the school year (I was a teacher- which is crazy!), our communication was sporadic, but we checked in with each other here and there. After all, I was in survival mode. By the time we reached end of October, early November, we kicked the frequency up a notch. Then once we hit December, we really were texting every day, mind you, with a 3 hour time difference [This is crazy to think about now].

When I came home for Christmas break, it was understood that we would hang out, but at this point, there had been no serious feelings discussions at all. I was getting pretty invested though.

So, we hung out a couple of times and with other people, still no feelings talk. We decided to meet at Starbucks to hang out one more time because I was headed to Florida the next day to work FCC Nationals. We played cards and talked at Starbucks for hours. I'm not exaggerating. I think we were there for almost 3 hours.

I needed to go, and as I walked to the car, I decided that I couldn't keep engaging in this weird friendship that was becoming way too important to me. If Adam wasn't interested, I need to pull back. Big time.

So, we said good-bye, and I sat in the car to try and figure out where I was meeting my family for dinner. I listened to my voicemails. And just as I was about to turn the car on to leave, Adam was knocking at the passenger side door. And he looked almost panicked. 

I unlocked the doors, and he opened the passenger side door. He said, "Marissa, I think I have feelings for you. I'm so attracted to you, blah blah blah." His speech went on for a few minutes. He told me all really great things, and I tried to keep up. But honestly, my mind was reeling. I had just prepared to start icing Adam out, and here he was saying that he'd move to Seattle for me instead of moving to Cambodia for IJM. 

When he finished spilling his heart out, he just looked at me. I now know that he was fully anticipating me to fall into his arms, completely swept up by the romantic gesture he just made. Instead I calmly and plainly asked, "What am I supposed to do with that?" 

To which he was stunned.

The conversation that followed is told very differently by the two of us. Actually, the whole story is told differently by us. Adam's version has much more dramatic flair, and surprise, surprise, paints him to be a hero. 

We pass by this Starbucks often, and I often smile, as I remember us sitting in the car in late December as the beginning of our relationship really took shape. I can laugh now when I think about how nervous Adam must have been the whole time we were at Starbucks, knowing he needed to come out with it, but playing it so cool that he almost lost his chance with me altogether. 

I love to remember the early days of Adam and me because life is full of diapers and tantrums and dishes and exhaustion. There's not a lot of margin for Adam and I to just be husband and wife. Because begin Mommy and Daddy is so beautifully demanding and consuming. But I love the way God wrote our story. I love that He was gentle with my heart, as He knew I needed a friend first.  

You can be sure that I've said many a times, "Remember when you said you think you have feelings for me? When were you sure?" To which Adam always responds with, "Remember when I poured out my heart to you and you coldly answered with, 'What am I supposed to with that?'" 

I'm so glad he mustered up the courage to turn his car around and come knock on my window. Best Starbucks date yet.

3 Years Old

I really thought the hardest times of taking the pictures with the bear would be in the first year of life. Wrong again.

He was such a stinker about doing this. Oh, he wanted to do it!! But, he didn't want to cooperate. At all. Which is kind of a snap shot of 3 year old Nolan.

Nolan is in fact 3 years old. He loves swimming in the pool, doing art projects, helping jobs (like setting the table), reading books (loves!!), being independent yet completely dependent all at the same. He is FULL of energy, enthusiasm, and is still one of the most expressive little people I've ever seen in my life.

I've often wondered what this year of life would've looked like without Isaac. I have ZERO regrets that we had another baby so close, I mean, how could we do life without Isaac Dean? But it proved to be a lot on my Nolan man. I'd see glimpses of the most endearing and heart warming bonds forming between these two. And then in a snap things could swing the other direction. Nolan does love Isaac, but he still has some growth in learning how to be kind in the midst of frustration. Which is totally fair in my opinion!

However, his cousins? He loves Ryann and Alee with the most loyal kind of love. They are truly his favorite people outside our home. And even then, I sometimes I wonder where Isaac falls on the list. He takes such delight in being with them, and it's just plain precious to watch. I think as Valor gets older a major switch is going to happen in the dynamics of all the cousin relationships.  So, I'm enjoying these days of his sheer joy in those girls. 

Nolan's favorite foods are hotdogs, cornbread, watermelon, blueberries, cherries, basically every fruit. He loves when I make spaghetti and meatballs. He still does not like cupcakes with icing on them. He's finally eating quesadillas and even scarfs down chips and salsa. He eats waffles almost every day for breakfast. And he does really like Menchie's frozen yogurt.

Nolan is often hesitant to try new things, and he can easily get worked up when he feels insecure. Like at the beach or when we went to Disney. We pray a lot for God to make us brave when we feel scared. You can hear him say, "Go away, fear. RAWWWWRRRR!" Because he needs to roar at his fear, obviously. 

Nolan still loves animals and the zoo. We go often, and he never, ever gets tired of it. He still loves lines, and he'll line things up in stores like pictured above. He loves going to Babies R Us to do hug and enjoy these animals. He's such a silly boy.

Every.single.night. that I put Nolan to bed this past year I sang, "Let It Be Jesus." Every night. Which means, he knows the word, "acclaimed." No clue what it means, but he can sing it at the right time. He can be such a creature of habit. When he first started asking for this song, it sounded a lot like JeJe, the beginning sound of Jesus. And now, well now, sometime his incessant talking and question asking makes us need a moment of silence. 

Nolan's a pretty great kid. He's pushing boundaries and pushing buttons, but it's all part of being a 3 year old boy (so I'm told). He's getting so big, and my mushy mom brain can't really process it all fast enough. A year from now I could be getting him ready for preschool. WHAT?! 

Oh man, 3 years old, Nolan Alex. How did we get here so quickly?