I went back to read something on here 2 days ago, and I came across my end of year posts for 2015 and 2016. I didn't think I'd get this done before crossing over to 2018, but here it goes.
I confess that we are ending this year feeling heavy hearted, and I hope I do good job recapping the year.
Lighthouse- Adam got a new job in February. We entered into the world of Lighthouse Family Retreats. This non-profit organization serves families that are living through childhood cancer. We served on our first trip in April, and I loved it! I loved serving with Adam. I loved that our kids were so young and getting immersed in a week of putting others first. I LOVE the people Adam works with. This new job did bring a lot of travel. Our summer was a blur because Adam was in and out so much. But all in all, I'm so very thankful that Lighthouse became a part of our lives.
Church- This year of church has been so, so hard. There was a significant transition that occurred in January, and we're still struggling through all of it. We clung hard to our community group that we so dearly loved, and it eventually dissolved by August. We powered through, adding new couples to what was left of our group. But it's just been a continual challenge. I look back on my posts the last 2 years about how significant our involvement in church and community group has been, and it makes sense that this element of our 2017 felt so hard.
Fostering- Oh boy! This could be an entire post. We spent the first half of 2017 doing all the training, paperwork, and leg work to get licensed and approved to be a foster family. That felt like an all out sprint. And then July 31st we got our first placement. And he came into our lives like a wrecking ball!! I remember being in a mental fog the first month of the placement trying to keep up with the rules, the appointments, the phone calls. Oh my goodness! We did in fact settle in, as did our little guy. But he has been a FORCE of refinement in our lives. Nothing has shed light on my own selfishness like fostering. Loving this little boy day in and day out has been hard. HARD. He can be so unbelievably easy going and just in a blink become irritable and agitated. But sometimes it hits like a freight train that I AM THIS KID'S MOM right now. He looks to me like I'm his mom. He's so young that I know I fill that role in his life. THAT is unbelievably humbling. You know who cheered on his first steps? Me. You know who is coaching him through his first words? Me. Do you know who he gets most excited to see? Me. And I am not a permanent mom in his life, and that literally brings me to tears. He's already lost his actual mom (for now), and pretty soon he's going to be transitioned into the foster home where his siblings are. He's going to lose me, too. It puts a pit in my stomach. But I say this over and over when discussing the hard parts of fostering- HE DESERVES TO HAVE SOMEONE DOING HARD THINGS ON HIS BEHALF. These kids need more people entering into the brokenness that is fostering.
Turning 30- I turned 30 this year, and I had ZERO ill feelings about this milestone. Literally zero. I turned thirty this year with an amazing husband, who I'm still crazy about. I have two very healthy boys that I get to stay home with. This is the life I want to be living. However. Despite repeated pleadings to my husband for there to be no surprise birthday party for me, HE planned a surprise birthday party for me. I knew it was coming. He wasn't all that sneaky or careful with the planning. And I remember telling him over and over, "I don't have a lot of friends. Please don't let a party happen!" I felt certain that a birthday party would expose the reality that I don't have a lot of friends. Well, sure enough, the party happened. And in the midst of it, I did feel insecure about who came. But I look back on the party so differently today. In the midst of the fostering struggle and some other heartaches, I've had a group of 4 ladies rally around me and carry me through some hard times. 3 out of 4 of those ladies were at my birthday party. And I think, "How lucky am I that I have friends that love me in the midst of my selfishness and step into sorrow with me!" I look back on my friends who drove 2 H O U R S to come celebrate my birthday and feel so loved. I have family who have been generous and selfless in their love towards me and my family. My brother and his family actually drove down JUST FOR MY PARTY. I have no doubts the enemy wanted to rob me of joy that day of my party. I was actually in the middle of a Bible study about exposing the enemy's schemes. I remember standing at my parent's sink during the party combating thoughts in my head that were not true. I'm so thankful that I get to look back on my surprise party with different eyes and be grateful for HOW RICHLY BLESSED I am by the people in my life.
Nolan- As hard as fostering has been, there's been so much good to come out of it. Nolan's steady love for our little boy has been incredible. One week I was feeling especially worn down from the all the demands of fostering, and Adam graciously let me take just Nolan and Isaac to the zoo. When I told them where we were going, there were squeals of glee. I told them it would just be the three of us, and without even skipping a beat, Nolan said, "Awww. I wish Sammy could come with us!" In Nolan's eyes, he is one of us. He belongs with us. And it's indescribable for me as a mom to watch him love Sammy so well and so freely. He has done so much better at this than Adam and I have. Nolan is so hospitable, and even so in his heart. He has no problem welcoming Sammy in, loving him for as long as he's going to be here. It's humbling.
6 years Married- and still loving every bit of it. This month, especially, we think about our marriage each year. And this particular year, I've never been more thankful for Adam. There have been some low, low moments this year, and he has held me through them. We have laughed lots and literally danced some nights away. He is my favorite. From May to October we went on literally 1 date together. That was a tough, tiring stretch. But I'm so thankful. SO THANKFUL that this is the man who chose me, and I chose him.
It's been a full year. I'm not sad to close this one out.
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Wednesday, November 1, 2017
The Exhaustion of Wrestling Flesh
For several weeks after my last post (which- how in the world was that over a month ago?), though things had majorly improved over here, I cannot explain the fatigue that was growing and growing. I'd find myself just collapsing at the end of the day. And some days I was so on edge emotionally, I would be fighting back tears about the silliest of things.
One Sunday, an adoptive Mama to 3 kids stopped me and asked how I was doing with our little guy. I looked at her and just said, "I'm so tired, and I don't know why." She looked right at me, and said, "Marissa, the love you are giving that little boy every single moment is a choice. It's different than your own kids. It's more sacrificial and requires more of you. It's tiring!" I stared at her in wonder.
Yes. YES! This did require more. It required more death to my flesh.
Just a few days later I was meeting with some ladies to pray together. As I drove home, I realized that this fatigue-- this fatigue was a spiritual fatigue. I have been wrestling my own flesh. This war of what Marissa wants as opposed to what I know God has called me to, it was wearing me down. And as I drove home, I felt relieved and thankful to be able to name this thing. And quite honestly, to wrestle with intentionality.
Prior to this lightbulb moment, I'd been really convicted to pay attention to what I was consuming in the down moments of my day. Did I turn a show on when I had an extra 30 minutes? Did I scroll social media just for the heck of it? What was I filling my well with? I started reading a lot more, and I read some really good books. And through these books, God started to do a work in my heart, turning me more and more towards Scripture.
As I realized the reason for much of my fatigue (I say much because let's be honest, I have 3 boys in this house 4 and under and that's just tiring), I started to pray into it. I started asking the Holy Spirit to illuminate these moments in my day when my flesh wanted one thing, and God demanded more. When Sammy is in a very grouchy mood for no reason- love is patient and not irritable (1 Corinthians 13). Boom. God, help me be patient in his grumpiness. The boys are arguing over ALL THE THINGS- a harsh word stirs up anger, but a gentle answer turns away wrath (Proverbs 15:1). Boom. God, help me be gentle and kind towards my children. Adam's gone AGAIN- He gives the Spirit without measure (John 3:34). Boom. God, sustain me with your Spirit that You give without measure.
I have Scripture to arm myself as I wrestle with my own flesh. Because this heart of mine? It's fickle. It's discouragingly so, so fickle. When my attitude towards Sammy rises and falls on his level of easiness, that's fickle, people! Jeremiah 17:9 says the heart is deceitful. I can't trust my feelings. I can trust Truth.
We've had our Sammy boy for 3 months now. We often laugh because it feels like so much longer. I sometimes want to protect my own pride when I tell people about the very real struggle that was the beginning of this placement. But I would rather choose to be grateful for God's kindness towards me as He draws me to Him. Adam and I both said we needed Sammy because God needed to just break us down. This fostering thing IS so hard. But I really am so thankful that God is using this time to create in me a longing to be hidden in Him.
While all of this is good, there are still days of just plain old exhaustion. And I fail at so much, so often. But God. That's it. But God. And this Mama says, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
One Sunday, an adoptive Mama to 3 kids stopped me and asked how I was doing with our little guy. I looked at her and just said, "I'm so tired, and I don't know why." She looked right at me, and said, "Marissa, the love you are giving that little boy every single moment is a choice. It's different than your own kids. It's more sacrificial and requires more of you. It's tiring!" I stared at her in wonder.
Yes. YES! This did require more. It required more death to my flesh.
Just a few days later I was meeting with some ladies to pray together. As I drove home, I realized that this fatigue-- this fatigue was a spiritual fatigue. I have been wrestling my own flesh. This war of what Marissa wants as opposed to what I know God has called me to, it was wearing me down. And as I drove home, I felt relieved and thankful to be able to name this thing. And quite honestly, to wrestle with intentionality.
Prior to this lightbulb moment, I'd been really convicted to pay attention to what I was consuming in the down moments of my day. Did I turn a show on when I had an extra 30 minutes? Did I scroll social media just for the heck of it? What was I filling my well with? I started reading a lot more, and I read some really good books. And through these books, God started to do a work in my heart, turning me more and more towards Scripture.
As I realized the reason for much of my fatigue (I say much because let's be honest, I have 3 boys in this house 4 and under and that's just tiring), I started to pray into it. I started asking the Holy Spirit to illuminate these moments in my day when my flesh wanted one thing, and God demanded more. When Sammy is in a very grouchy mood for no reason- love is patient and not irritable (1 Corinthians 13). Boom. God, help me be patient in his grumpiness. The boys are arguing over ALL THE THINGS- a harsh word stirs up anger, but a gentle answer turns away wrath (Proverbs 15:1). Boom. God, help me be gentle and kind towards my children. Adam's gone AGAIN- He gives the Spirit without measure (John 3:34). Boom. God, sustain me with your Spirit that You give without measure.
I have Scripture to arm myself as I wrestle with my own flesh. Because this heart of mine? It's fickle. It's discouragingly so, so fickle. When my attitude towards Sammy rises and falls on his level of easiness, that's fickle, people! Jeremiah 17:9 says the heart is deceitful. I can't trust my feelings. I can trust Truth.
We've had our Sammy boy for 3 months now. We often laugh because it feels like so much longer. I sometimes want to protect my own pride when I tell people about the very real struggle that was the beginning of this placement. But I would rather choose to be grateful for God's kindness towards me as He draws me to Him. Adam and I both said we needed Sammy because God needed to just break us down. This fostering thing IS so hard. But I really am so thankful that God is using this time to create in me a longing to be hidden in Him.
While all of this is good, there are still days of just plain old exhaustion. And I fail at so much, so often. But God. That's it. But God. And this Mama says, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Friday, September 22, 2017
Update: We ARE Making It
I have thought about taking down my last post about 70 times. The two people who read this both reached out to me about all of it. So, I realized if the 2 people who read this have already read it, it can stay up. When I go back and read it, I feel really insecure about being so negative and... whiney, really. BUT, as I said at the bottom, that was truly how I felt on that day. Getting all of that out did lead to a breakdown, but the breakdown was good and necessary. I felt like I was failing at everything. Mainly- running the home, being a good mom and foster parent, and my work at the church. It's like when you use a pressure cooker. The pressure builds and then stays at high pressure so everything can cook, and then you release the pressure and everything inside stops cooking.
A week and a half ago, the Tuesday after I wrote that post, we shared with our community group that we really felt like Sammy had turned a corner. The reality was, we turned the corner. Yes, he was sleeping better and had clearly settled in to the routine of the Tomberlins, but we also just accepted that a lot of what was hard about taking in Sammy was us needing to die to our self. The reality is that we know with about 99% certainty that Sammy will not become a Tomberlin. His mom is working her case plan. AND his dad's side of the family is trying to get custody of him right now. His days with us are numbered. And that's not hard for us like people always assume it is with fostering. We are still in the stage of wanting to grow our family, and since we know Sammy will not be a permanent member, it just feels hard. Because it's not what WE wanted. But I'm so, so confident that God knew what He was doing when this tiny guy got placed in our home. But we hoped for a newborn baby that came to be with us and never left.
Sweet Sammy clearly has some developmental delays. He's already shown so much progress since being with us for almost 2 months. Again, all credit to the boys. He's learning so much by watching them play and be crazy. But there are clearly some emotional and social delays as well. And those are far more impacting than the fact that he doesn't walk yet. It is so rare that we hear him laugh without working very, very hard for it. Nolan was playing with him on the floor yesterday, crawling and hiding. And Sammy genuinely laughed! Nolan looked up at me with sheer delight at the fact that he made Sammy laugh. I can get laughs out of him by tickling and flipping him around like a pancake (Nolan loves when I do that to Sammy). But this was different, and it was seriously so precious! Both sides- Nolan and Sammy! And at the exact same time, it's sad. It's sad that these moments stand out because they are so few and far between.
I've basically decided to give up. In a good way. I'm going to mentally give up nap time (Sammy has been sleeping in about 40 minute increments all week. No clue why!). I'm going to give up our plan for growing our family and trust that God is not blindsided by what's happening. I'm going to give up figuring Sammy out and just love him faithfully each day. I'm going to give up my agenda, keep saying YES to Jesus, and pray that I can model to all three of these boys that I, too, am desperately in need of grace just like they are.
Sammy has started doing the sign for "all done." And it is quite possibly the cutest thing!!! It's awkward and deliberate, and it's perfect. I love watching him play alone and his wonder of the big boys as they wrestle their dad. Sammy definitely finds the most comfort in being near me. He likes to position himself right at my feet in the kitchen. It's a little nerve-wracking when I'm cooking. I tend to move him, and he tends to hate that I do. I've walked in circles around the island as he crawls after me, so I can just finish making all of the sandwiches for lunch. It's a reminder that if he can't have his mom's care, he wants a mom's care.
We ARE making it, people! We aren't doing it perfectly or beautifully or anything like that. We are just doing the next thing each day to care for Sammy and ask God to make us more like Him in the process.
A week and a half ago, the Tuesday after I wrote that post, we shared with our community group that we really felt like Sammy had turned a corner. The reality was, we turned the corner. Yes, he was sleeping better and had clearly settled in to the routine of the Tomberlins, but we also just accepted that a lot of what was hard about taking in Sammy was us needing to die to our self. The reality is that we know with about 99% certainty that Sammy will not become a Tomberlin. His mom is working her case plan. AND his dad's side of the family is trying to get custody of him right now. His days with us are numbered. And that's not hard for us like people always assume it is with fostering. We are still in the stage of wanting to grow our family, and since we know Sammy will not be a permanent member, it just feels hard. Because it's not what WE wanted. But I'm so, so confident that God knew what He was doing when this tiny guy got placed in our home. But we hoped for a newborn baby that came to be with us and never left.
Sweet Sammy clearly has some developmental delays. He's already shown so much progress since being with us for almost 2 months. Again, all credit to the boys. He's learning so much by watching them play and be crazy. But there are clearly some emotional and social delays as well. And those are far more impacting than the fact that he doesn't walk yet. It is so rare that we hear him laugh without working very, very hard for it. Nolan was playing with him on the floor yesterday, crawling and hiding. And Sammy genuinely laughed! Nolan looked up at me with sheer delight at the fact that he made Sammy laugh. I can get laughs out of him by tickling and flipping him around like a pancake (Nolan loves when I do that to Sammy). But this was different, and it was seriously so precious! Both sides- Nolan and Sammy! And at the exact same time, it's sad. It's sad that these moments stand out because they are so few and far between.
I've basically decided to give up. In a good way. I'm going to mentally give up nap time (Sammy has been sleeping in about 40 minute increments all week. No clue why!). I'm going to give up our plan for growing our family and trust that God is not blindsided by what's happening. I'm going to give up figuring Sammy out and just love him faithfully each day. I'm going to give up my agenda, keep saying YES to Jesus, and pray that I can model to all three of these boys that I, too, am desperately in need of grace just like they are.
Sammy has started doing the sign for "all done." And it is quite possibly the cutest thing!!! It's awkward and deliberate, and it's perfect. I love watching him play alone and his wonder of the big boys as they wrestle their dad. Sammy definitely finds the most comfort in being near me. He likes to position himself right at my feet in the kitchen. It's a little nerve-wracking when I'm cooking. I tend to move him, and he tends to hate that I do. I've walked in circles around the island as he crawls after me, so I can just finish making all of the sandwiches for lunch. It's a reminder that if he can't have his mom's care, he wants a mom's care.
We ARE making it, people! We aren't doing it perfectly or beautifully or anything like that. We are just doing the next thing each day to care for Sammy and ask God to make us more like Him in the process.
Thursday, September 7, 2017
My Scattered Thoughts That Need To Land Somewhere
It's been a whopping 5.5 weeks into our first placement, and I have no beautiful post to present the amazing picture of the Gospel happening in homes all over the place through fostering. Not at all. If you start reading foster blogs like I sometimes do, there's people who write so eloquently and illustrate life as a foster parent so well, and I'm just not one of them. I also don't feel like one of those foster parents at all, and that might surface here in a bit. For now, I just give little pieces that I'm sure could all work together into a grace filled post, but it's.not.happening.
:: One of the truly shocking things for me is that my phone rings SO OFTEN now. And I have to answer it. Or if I don't answer it, I'm inevitably going to have a voicemail that requires a call back to someone. And lately, I've decided, if I'm able to answer it when it rings, answer it. Calling someone back fills me with dread. I do not like talking on the phone with random people. I never answer my phone for numbers I do not know. Scratch that. Previously, I never answered the phone for numbers I do not know. Now I do. Because I have to. Otherwise, my to-do list just gets longer.
:: My mind feels worn down. There's so much I'm trying to keep track of as far as appointments, visits, assessments, rules, policies, etc. It's so much. There are so many people who have a job that pertains to Sammy- his case manager, our family consultant, his attorney and advocate, the physical therapist, the transporter, the Babies Can't Wait advocate, the pediatrician- and they all run through me.
:: I had a pretty sweet setup each day with a beautiful 2.5 hour (give or take) nap time every afternoon. Gone. Sammy doesn't take good naps. He's slept for over an hour at a time during the day literally 6 times in the last 5.5 weeks. So, now at nap time, I rush to get as much done as I can in the 45 minutes to an hour I have. The good thing is that usually Sammy is quite content to play near me once he's awake. So, I can get other things done still. It's just not the same. But I'm thankful for his ability to play and roam and be curious.
:: Nolan continues to amaze me. His relentless pursuit of Sammy regardless of Sammy's response IS the picture of the Gospel I could present. I thought Nolan's care and interest in Sammy would wear off after 48 hours. No. It has continued and probably grown. When his teacher put him in the car one day last week, she said, "Oh there's Sammy! We keep hearing all about Sammy!" I smiled and again asked for a heart like Nolan's in regards to Sammy.
:: On a pretty regular basis, I assume every single person I can think of would be a better foster parent than me. Ok, that's too extreme. But you get what I mean. My selfishness and lack of holiness has been quite apparent. When I think about people fostering who don't love Jesus, I'm amazed. How? How do they do this outside of the strength of Jesus? Clearly there are people better suited for this than me. This has caused me to question so much about myself- am I really cut out for this? Do I really mean it when I say I want to love people who need to be loved? How is my 4 year old doing better at this than me? And this is one tiny guy who has minimal issues on paper. I pray pretty often that all of this is coming out just because it's our first placement.
:: Adam came down in jeans this morning with a work shirt on, and I thought, "Mm! He looks handsome!" And I immediately got sad because asking someone to babysit our threesome for a date night seems like such a big request, and I don't know why. We had a double date scheduled back in August with friends that I'm now convinced will not happen. We'll need to get creative on how to have date nights in and make them seem special.
:: Sometimes it feels like people want to hear us say this is hard. Like, there's a silent, "I told you so," they are holding back. As if Adam and I went on and on about how easy we thought this was going to be, when I don't remember ever doing that. People supporting us in the midst of this has been so odd. And I do think I'll write a full post about it once I process it further in my mind. Taking in Sammy has been way harder than adding a newborn of our own to our family, but the outpouring of help came so strong when I had Isaac. Not so much when we got Sammy. I remember so.many. gifts for Nolan as he adjusted to being a big brother. Isaac went through that same transition with zero notice, and no one did anything for him. I went an entire month without cooking dinner when I had Isaac, thanks to meals from other people. I was making dinner the literal next day with Sammy. Did anyone at church even suggest I take some time off to settle in with our new little guy? Nope! Maybe all the help when you have a baby is because of the physical toll it takes on mom to actually birth a baby. I don't know. That's all I can think of. It's something I hope I'm constantly aware of for other foster parents in my life. I'm thankful for our community group who regularly checked in on us and has provided meals and gift cards and diapers and wipes over the last several weeks.
:: As difficult and at times, lonely, these 5.5 weeks have been, I can say with certainty, I am for foster care. There are problems with the system, yes. There are so many unbelievable frustrations with DFCS, absolutely! Is there a better way to do this? I think about this on a pretty much daily basis. But Sammy and his siblings? They deserve to be well cared for. We are capable of opening our home up, and I'm glad that we are. It's a weighty thought that one day Sammy will share his story as a teenager or an adult, and we're a part of it now. The statistics are horrifying for foster kids as far as their future is concerned. I honestly hope he never remembers us because he'll get to go home to his mom sooner rather than later, but we're a part of his story. I pray his story is filled with redemption and Jesus. This kiddo spent his first birthday away from any family and with strangers (it actually wasn't with us- it was with a different foster family). But I really hope his next one is a true celebration of his life and the hope this entire family has moving forward.
:: Anytime I'm getting frustrated with Sammy, I remind myself that he is not mine. I remind myself that being comforted by me is not the same as the comfort he would find in his mom's embrace. She probably knows what every single whimper or scream means. She loves him wholeheartedly. And I'm motivated to love well. To care for him well. I have another mama's baby in my house. I want her to know he's being treasured and protected, that I'm fighting for his well being. I've been doing a study on the armor of God, and when I started mentally shifting this struggle to a spiritual battle, things changed for me. The enemy wants nothing but destruction for this little guy and his family. And honestly, probably my own destruction, too. But I choose to wage war for Sammy. When he's crying in the night, I'm asking for the peace of God to combat the darkness coming at Sammy. When I get caught up in the hard parts of fostering, I need to remind myself that the enemy wants me out of the game, too.
:: This all quickly snowballed. Honestly, the majority of our days are pretty smooth. I owe much of that to the awesomeness of my boys. It's hard to explain. This feels like normal now. Taking three small boys everywhere feels normal. People give me weird looks. They often ask if there's a set of twins- to which I am so dumbfounded by! Who? Who would be the twins? There's a constant extra stressor in our lives now, and something new that's exposing parts of my heart that are holding onto doing things MY way. Instead of fully surrendering that to Jesus. Every single day I ask God to change my heart and make me more like Him.
I wrote this post during nap time and was getting worked up as I kept going. When I saw Adam at dinner, I immediately broke down in his arms. It had all built up for too long and came oozing out. When I woke up this morning, I felt lighter and clearer about everything. I'm not taking anything back from what I wrote because it was most definitely the weight I was carrying yesterday. I imagine there are more heavy days to come, and there is more and more refining to come in this fostering journey.
:: One of the truly shocking things for me is that my phone rings SO OFTEN now. And I have to answer it. Or if I don't answer it, I'm inevitably going to have a voicemail that requires a call back to someone. And lately, I've decided, if I'm able to answer it when it rings, answer it. Calling someone back fills me with dread. I do not like talking on the phone with random people. I never answer my phone for numbers I do not know. Scratch that. Previously, I never answered the phone for numbers I do not know. Now I do. Because I have to. Otherwise, my to-do list just gets longer.
:: My mind feels worn down. There's so much I'm trying to keep track of as far as appointments, visits, assessments, rules, policies, etc. It's so much. There are so many people who have a job that pertains to Sammy- his case manager, our family consultant, his attorney and advocate, the physical therapist, the transporter, the Babies Can't Wait advocate, the pediatrician- and they all run through me.
:: I had a pretty sweet setup each day with a beautiful 2.5 hour (give or take) nap time every afternoon. Gone. Sammy doesn't take good naps. He's slept for over an hour at a time during the day literally 6 times in the last 5.5 weeks. So, now at nap time, I rush to get as much done as I can in the 45 minutes to an hour I have. The good thing is that usually Sammy is quite content to play near me once he's awake. So, I can get other things done still. It's just not the same. But I'm thankful for his ability to play and roam and be curious.
:: Nolan continues to amaze me. His relentless pursuit of Sammy regardless of Sammy's response IS the picture of the Gospel I could present. I thought Nolan's care and interest in Sammy would wear off after 48 hours. No. It has continued and probably grown. When his teacher put him in the car one day last week, she said, "Oh there's Sammy! We keep hearing all about Sammy!" I smiled and again asked for a heart like Nolan's in regards to Sammy.
:: On a pretty regular basis, I assume every single person I can think of would be a better foster parent than me. Ok, that's too extreme. But you get what I mean. My selfishness and lack of holiness has been quite apparent. When I think about people fostering who don't love Jesus, I'm amazed. How? How do they do this outside of the strength of Jesus? Clearly there are people better suited for this than me. This has caused me to question so much about myself- am I really cut out for this? Do I really mean it when I say I want to love people who need to be loved? How is my 4 year old doing better at this than me? And this is one tiny guy who has minimal issues on paper. I pray pretty often that all of this is coming out just because it's our first placement.
:: Adam came down in jeans this morning with a work shirt on, and I thought, "Mm! He looks handsome!" And I immediately got sad because asking someone to babysit our threesome for a date night seems like such a big request, and I don't know why. We had a double date scheduled back in August with friends that I'm now convinced will not happen. We'll need to get creative on how to have date nights in and make them seem special.
:: Sometimes it feels like people want to hear us say this is hard. Like, there's a silent, "I told you so," they are holding back. As if Adam and I went on and on about how easy we thought this was going to be, when I don't remember ever doing that. People supporting us in the midst of this has been so odd. And I do think I'll write a full post about it once I process it further in my mind. Taking in Sammy has been way harder than adding a newborn of our own to our family, but the outpouring of help came so strong when I had Isaac. Not so much when we got Sammy. I remember so.many. gifts for Nolan as he adjusted to being a big brother. Isaac went through that same transition with zero notice, and no one did anything for him. I went an entire month without cooking dinner when I had Isaac, thanks to meals from other people. I was making dinner the literal next day with Sammy. Did anyone at church even suggest I take some time off to settle in with our new little guy? Nope! Maybe all the help when you have a baby is because of the physical toll it takes on mom to actually birth a baby. I don't know. That's all I can think of. It's something I hope I'm constantly aware of for other foster parents in my life. I'm thankful for our community group who regularly checked in on us and has provided meals and gift cards and diapers and wipes over the last several weeks.
:: As difficult and at times, lonely, these 5.5 weeks have been, I can say with certainty, I am for foster care. There are problems with the system, yes. There are so many unbelievable frustrations with DFCS, absolutely! Is there a better way to do this? I think about this on a pretty much daily basis. But Sammy and his siblings? They deserve to be well cared for. We are capable of opening our home up, and I'm glad that we are. It's a weighty thought that one day Sammy will share his story as a teenager or an adult, and we're a part of it now. The statistics are horrifying for foster kids as far as their future is concerned. I honestly hope he never remembers us because he'll get to go home to his mom sooner rather than later, but we're a part of his story. I pray his story is filled with redemption and Jesus. This kiddo spent his first birthday away from any family and with strangers (it actually wasn't with us- it was with a different foster family). But I really hope his next one is a true celebration of his life and the hope this entire family has moving forward.
:: Anytime I'm getting frustrated with Sammy, I remind myself that he is not mine. I remind myself that being comforted by me is not the same as the comfort he would find in his mom's embrace. She probably knows what every single whimper or scream means. She loves him wholeheartedly. And I'm motivated to love well. To care for him well. I have another mama's baby in my house. I want her to know he's being treasured and protected, that I'm fighting for his well being. I've been doing a study on the armor of God, and when I started mentally shifting this struggle to a spiritual battle, things changed for me. The enemy wants nothing but destruction for this little guy and his family. And honestly, probably my own destruction, too. But I choose to wage war for Sammy. When he's crying in the night, I'm asking for the peace of God to combat the darkness coming at Sammy. When I get caught up in the hard parts of fostering, I need to remind myself that the enemy wants me out of the game, too.
:: This all quickly snowballed. Honestly, the majority of our days are pretty smooth. I owe much of that to the awesomeness of my boys. It's hard to explain. This feels like normal now. Taking three small boys everywhere feels normal. People give me weird looks. They often ask if there's a set of twins- to which I am so dumbfounded by! Who? Who would be the twins? There's a constant extra stressor in our lives now, and something new that's exposing parts of my heart that are holding onto doing things MY way. Instead of fully surrendering that to Jesus. Every single day I ask God to change my heart and make me more like Him.
I wrote this post during nap time and was getting worked up as I kept going. When I saw Adam at dinner, I immediately broke down in his arms. It had all built up for too long and came oozing out. When I woke up this morning, I felt lighter and clearer about everything. I'm not taking anything back from what I wrote because it was most definitely the weight I was carrying yesterday. I imagine there are more heavy days to come, and there is more and more refining to come in this fostering journey.
Saturday, August 19, 2017
Just Writing It Down
I decided that I needed to make it a priority this weekend to get one on one time with my boys. We've had some big changes with Sammy coming to live with us and Nolan off to school, so though it takes a lot of thought and effort and manipulating of time to make these little dates happen, they are always worth it.
Let it be known that when Nolan goes on a date with me, he requests that I wear a dress and "look pretty." I think that means put make-up and earrings on. Basically- do this for real, Mama!
So, at 10:30 this morning, I put a dress and earrings on, a quick swoosh of mascara and got my biggest boy into the van to head out.
We went to North Point Mall to go on the carousal. Nolan always wants to do this with me as a date, but it's 30 minutes away. So, we're looking at an hour of just travel time. But this time, I obliged. As we walked hand in hand through the mall, his little thumb was stroking my hand back and forth, just like I do to him. It was heart melting. As soon as we got off the carousal, he looked up at me and asked for another special thing to do on our date.
We walked back through the mall, and drove to the Barnes & Noble for some Starbucks and bookstore time. He ate a donut. We read several books together. I loved every second of my time with him. He never once whined. He never asked to buy anything. He was basically the most perfect version of himself, you know, that's just how dates go, right?!
We headed home, and he sits in the back row of the van. So, I could easily look in my rear view mirror to see him. He caught me looking at him one time and he said, "I really liked doing those special things with you. Thank you for taking me on the merry go round and for my donut and for reading all those books."
Cue the tears.
I choked them back and told him how much I loved our special time together and that being his mom is my favorite thing.
Nolan started school on Thursday and that combined with his total sweetness, I could've dissolved into a puddle. Gosh, that kid can make me crazy. He can be so stubborn and defiant and exhaustingly anxious. But, he's also got a sweet, tender heart that loves me despite all of my mommy shortcomings.
Time seems like a luxury I rarely fully appreciate. It's tricky and cruel at times, too. Some days I feel like time is crawling, and then I also frequently get to Saturday wondering, "How is this week already over?"
Because of the rapid rate in which my children change, it seems like it's constantly thrust in my face that this is childhood of theirs is so fleeting. So, I wanted to take the time when I should be writing thank you notes or making a dish for the potluck tomorrow to write this all down. I want to remember this time with Nolan that was too short but a gift nonetheless.
I wish I had an iPhone on days like today, so I could take actual pictures of his sweet, perfect face as he looked down at me from the white tiger on the carousal, making sure I was still watching, still touching his leg as he went up and down. I wish we could've snapped a selfie of us sharing the tiniest bench in the kids section at the bookstore, as we read book after book after book. Or the look on his face as he finished his whole big donut with glee. But, the mental pictures will have to do. If I could relive that date with him each Saturday, I absolutely would do that.
Oh, my precious Nolan. That little boy made me Mama, and for that I'll always be thankful.
Nolan's first, first day of school!
Wednesday, August 9, 2017
10 Days In
Note: It is my 30th birthday today, and I wanted to do a birthday post for me just like I do for the boys. But, I wanted to try to get a few things out of my head.
We are 10 days in. We've had our first foster placement for 10 days now. It took all of about 4 hours before my selfishness was coming out. 4 hours, people. For the sake of his confidentiality, I'm going to call him Sammy. It took me literally 8 minutes to pick a name because his actual name is so perfect for him, there's just nothing else that would stick.
Sammy is a very small one year old who came to us from another foster home where he had been for 10 days. The same amount of time that he'd been away from his two older siblings (7 and 9 year olds). And guess what- he came with almost nothing, hardly any information, and of course, no clue what was going on.
It took us no time at all to realize this was hard. And I'm not going to even let my pride get in the way here. It's been hard. And it's only been 10 days.
My emotions continue to surprise me. One second my heart is actually aching for this little boy who has been taken from his mom and siblings, and the next I'm so annoyed with his fiery stubbornness that refuses to sleep. I can watch with delight his interactions with my boys, and I can be overcome with sadness at how hard it can be to make this little baby laugh.
While Adam and I had to process out loud together every.single.night the first week, you know who has been crushing it?
Nolan.
I literally just had tears spring to my eyes. I sit in amazement pretty much every day at the ways he loves Sammy and cares for him. It's been unreal and the most humbling thing to watch. Sammy does not often reward just anyone with giggles or smiles, but Nolan does not relent. It doesn't affect his attempts to play with, talk to, or love on this tiny boy. I've literally asked God to give me a heart like Nolan.
One of the most exhausting things about the last week and a half is not that Sammy is a terrible sleeper some nights. It's that I find myself second guessing myself at every turn. Should I let him cry? Does he need to be held more? Is it a bad idea to keep giving him a bottle? Am I being a good enough fill-in mom for him? Is he getting enough of what he needs? It's unending. There's so much I don't know about him. And I'm so new to fostering, that I just have to keep asking the Holy Spirit to guide me.
But it's hard.
Sammy got evaluated by Children First today. They basically decide if kids under three need further services like occupational therapy, physical therapy, etc. She did her assessment of Sammy and told me what she thought about the situation. And then she teared up and looked at me and said, "I know this is hard! I know you don't know what's going on or what to do. But you're doing it! Keep going! Your love and care could literally change the course of his life." And I wanted to cry into her shoulder and tell her that I needed to hear that so badly.
I've been so confused why some people around me are carrying on as usual, expecting all the same things of me as before. And I want to scream, "I'M CARRYING A BURDEN I'VE NEVER CARRIED BEFORE!" I need a minute to figure this out. It's not that I'm caring for three children now. I felt ready for that change. And I actually love having another child in this home. I want another one (eventually). But this is unlike anything else I've ever done. The mental and emotional toll it's taken has been a huge surprise.
Sammy is sweet and tiny and oh so cute! He's got a big ol' grin and a funny little laugh. I'm confident things will get better, and I can only imagine each placement is different. This guy has interrupted a well oiled routine over here, and I'm not surprised that ruffled my feathers. God is certainly using Sammy to further refine us and draw us closer to Him.
We are 10 days in. We've had our first foster placement for 10 days now. It took all of about 4 hours before my selfishness was coming out. 4 hours, people. For the sake of his confidentiality, I'm going to call him Sammy. It took me literally 8 minutes to pick a name because his actual name is so perfect for him, there's just nothing else that would stick.
Sammy is a very small one year old who came to us from another foster home where he had been for 10 days. The same amount of time that he'd been away from his two older siblings (7 and 9 year olds). And guess what- he came with almost nothing, hardly any information, and of course, no clue what was going on.
It took us no time at all to realize this was hard. And I'm not going to even let my pride get in the way here. It's been hard. And it's only been 10 days.
My emotions continue to surprise me. One second my heart is actually aching for this little boy who has been taken from his mom and siblings, and the next I'm so annoyed with his fiery stubbornness that refuses to sleep. I can watch with delight his interactions with my boys, and I can be overcome with sadness at how hard it can be to make this little baby laugh.
While Adam and I had to process out loud together every.single.night the first week, you know who has been crushing it?
Nolan.
I literally just had tears spring to my eyes. I sit in amazement pretty much every day at the ways he loves Sammy and cares for him. It's been unreal and the most humbling thing to watch. Sammy does not often reward just anyone with giggles or smiles, but Nolan does not relent. It doesn't affect his attempts to play with, talk to, or love on this tiny boy. I've literally asked God to give me a heart like Nolan.
One of the most exhausting things about the last week and a half is not that Sammy is a terrible sleeper some nights. It's that I find myself second guessing myself at every turn. Should I let him cry? Does he need to be held more? Is it a bad idea to keep giving him a bottle? Am I being a good enough fill-in mom for him? Is he getting enough of what he needs? It's unending. There's so much I don't know about him. And I'm so new to fostering, that I just have to keep asking the Holy Spirit to guide me.
But it's hard.
Sammy got evaluated by Children First today. They basically decide if kids under three need further services like occupational therapy, physical therapy, etc. She did her assessment of Sammy and told me what she thought about the situation. And then she teared up and looked at me and said, "I know this is hard! I know you don't know what's going on or what to do. But you're doing it! Keep going! Your love and care could literally change the course of his life." And I wanted to cry into her shoulder and tell her that I needed to hear that so badly.
I've been so confused why some people around me are carrying on as usual, expecting all the same things of me as before. And I want to scream, "I'M CARRYING A BURDEN I'VE NEVER CARRIED BEFORE!" I need a minute to figure this out. It's not that I'm caring for three children now. I felt ready for that change. And I actually love having another child in this home. I want another one (eventually). But this is unlike anything else I've ever done. The mental and emotional toll it's taken has been a huge surprise.
Sammy is sweet and tiny and oh so cute! He's got a big ol' grin and a funny little laugh. I'm confident things will get better, and I can only imagine each placement is different. This guy has interrupted a well oiled routine over here, and I'm not surprised that ruffled my feathers. God is certainly using Sammy to further refine us and draw us closer to Him.
Sunday, July 30, 2017
My Nolan
Oh Nolan,
You are four! And something about you absolutely seems different. I don't know if it's because you're lean and trim, with no trace of baby fat. Or maybe it's the way you talk. I don't know. But you seem older, my little man.
I can't believe I'm sending you to preschool next month. Though, you don't like to talk about it at all. I know for sure that you are going to love it. I know you are going to grow and learn and develop so much. I also know that you're going to love your teacher. I'm both so excited and so torn about sharing you with her. Once this crazy school phase starts, it feels like there's no going back. You really are crossing over into little boyhood instead of hanging onto toddlerhood.
This last week at the lake, you jumped off the dock and the boat, enjoyed boat rides, and looked...free. Like the fear that can so easily weigh you down, leaving you paralyzed, was lifted. You would still look for reassurance every once in a while that your float would make you pop right back up after jumping in, but for the most part, you just played. I can't tell you how happy I was FOR you. When you were sitting at the front of the boat with your face in the wind, I wanted to memorize your joy-filled face. It was amazing, Nolan!
Your inclination to pray for people at any given moment is so precious and dear. Your desire to welcome people into our home is one of my favorite things about you. You've decided you love helping me bake, and I hope this is something we can enjoy doing more the older you get. I love seeing glimpses of your tender heart towards others.
Three year old Nolan was no walk in the park, my son. Parenting you was humbling. I questioned myself over and over. I wondered where you and I were missing each other. But I never, ever wavered in my love for you, Buddy. Three year old Nolan drew me closer to Jesus, and I should probably thank you for that some day. Having said all of that, I'm hopeful that this next year together is not quite as exhausting.
Nolan Alex Tomberlin, I love you so much. Your smile lights up the room. Your laugh is contagious. Your genuine enthusiasm in pretty much anything is a gift! I hope you always appreciate the little things. You are a runner and an athlete. You love helping Daddy with his tools and doing "man things." You have an eye for cars, and it's sometimes still astounding. You are a smart boy, Nolan!
I love you. I like you. I enjoy you, and I'm proud of you, son.
Love,
Mommy
You are four! And something about you absolutely seems different. I don't know if it's because you're lean and trim, with no trace of baby fat. Or maybe it's the way you talk. I don't know. But you seem older, my little man.
I can't believe I'm sending you to preschool next month. Though, you don't like to talk about it at all. I know for sure that you are going to love it. I know you are going to grow and learn and develop so much. I also know that you're going to love your teacher. I'm both so excited and so torn about sharing you with her. Once this crazy school phase starts, it feels like there's no going back. You really are crossing over into little boyhood instead of hanging onto toddlerhood.
This last week at the lake, you jumped off the dock and the boat, enjoyed boat rides, and looked...free. Like the fear that can so easily weigh you down, leaving you paralyzed, was lifted. You would still look for reassurance every once in a while that your float would make you pop right back up after jumping in, but for the most part, you just played. I can't tell you how happy I was FOR you. When you were sitting at the front of the boat with your face in the wind, I wanted to memorize your joy-filled face. It was amazing, Nolan!
Your inclination to pray for people at any given moment is so precious and dear. Your desire to welcome people into our home is one of my favorite things about you. You've decided you love helping me bake, and I hope this is something we can enjoy doing more the older you get. I love seeing glimpses of your tender heart towards others.
Three year old Nolan was no walk in the park, my son. Parenting you was humbling. I questioned myself over and over. I wondered where you and I were missing each other. But I never, ever wavered in my love for you, Buddy. Three year old Nolan drew me closer to Jesus, and I should probably thank you for that some day. Having said all of that, I'm hopeful that this next year together is not quite as exhausting.
Nolan Alex Tomberlin, I love you so much. Your smile lights up the room. Your laugh is contagious. Your genuine enthusiasm in pretty much anything is a gift! I hope you always appreciate the little things. You are a runner and an athlete. You love helping Daddy with his tools and doing "man things." You have an eye for cars, and it's sometimes still astounding. You are a smart boy, Nolan!
I love you. I like you. I enjoy you, and I'm proud of you, son.
Love,
Mommy
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