Wedding Day

My thoughts a few days ago... longest post of my life...

It’s almost been 2 weeks since our wedding, and there’s much I could write about. But before I mention our marital bliss or re-entry into real life or the disaster I call my home, I must first back it up to December 17th. I wrote pages in my journal about the day because I was terrified to lose a detail. This will be long. And I don’t expect anyone to persevere through every word. This is for my personal enjoyment.

But here it goes- our wedding day.

My sister’s alarm woke me up at 8:30. She needed to go do stuff, and I decided to get out of bed to enjoy some calm before the craziness of the day started. There was some instant nervous excitement as I thought to myself, “I”m getting married today!” I walked downstairs to get some coffee and some time with Ryann. This girl is one of the cutest beings alive. She’d been very excited about my wedding, and her parents forced much patience upon her as she desperately wanted to wear her dress before the wedding. In fact, within minutes of talking to me, she realized it was truly the day of her white dress and flower bearing duties. She darted upstairs for mom to put her dress on, only to be shot down, as it was 8:35 in the morning.

My brother came downstairs soon after I got comfortable in the big chair with my coffee. He and I just talked for a while. I rarely get time with Anthony to myself, so I savored his company and allowed myself to feel happy about all that this day would hold. Anthony was to be giving the charge during the ceremony, and I sat there with great respect and love for this man who is my brother. I eventually got up to start getting ready to leave. He hugged me real close, told me he loved me, he missed me, and he was happy for me. It was as good as gold. Better, actually. I knew the next time I saw him would probably be in front of a bunch of people as he got his preach on!

Kara, Erin, Alethia, Ryann, Ashley, Oliver, and myself all piled into the expedition to go to the venue. We arrived, and it was quiet and calm. I loved it. The tables and chairs were getting set up, and that thought came back to me, “I’m getting married today!” Before long it was time for Ashley to start curling my hair. As I was sitting there, our worship leaders, Dave and Wes, were practicing. I wanted to go sit and listen in the room with them, but I had to be content with the chair I was in. But my heart started beating faster, and my eyes nearly had tears in them because I was so excited to worship in that place. I prayed that the Holy Spirit would inhabit 550 Trackside, and that we all would respond to this invitation to worship the most holy God together. It filled my heart with longing and peace, and I offered my heart of gratitude and praise to the Lord.

This was a moment I wanted to take in. My sisters were there. My nieces were there. My friends surrounded me. And it was awesome. My friend in Africa tried to call repeatedly, and I so badly wished she could have been in the room with us.

Traffic was probably the only glitch in the whole day. Everyone was arriving late. One of the photographers was late. My friend doing my make up was super late. My parents got delayed. The guys were delayed. But I didn’t let it bother me. With each passing moment, I was getting more excited to marry Adam.

Before I knew it, it was time to put my dress on and go see Adam. We agreed to see each other prior to the ceremony because I convinced Adam that it would be better to have a few moments alone before it all got crazy. And we’re both so glad we did that. Adam was far down the train tracks with his back to me, and I had to walk to him. With each step, my smile got bigger and my pace got faster. I couldn’t wait to see my groom.

Those 10 minutes were perfect. I can’t really put into words why it was so great. And when I journaled, I couldn’t come up with the words either. I didn’t have high expectations; I just wanted to be with Adam and not have the pressure of everyone watching our reaction to seeing each other. This let us be us. It was great.

Adam left, and all of the kids in my wedding came down to be with me. I held my tiniest niece, had the other 3 nieces around me, and my most favorite boys in the world at my side. I love all of these little guys, and this was another moment I wanted to take in. I wanted to hug each of them repeatedly and tell them how much I loved them. I dearly love children, but these 6 have my heart first.

My bridesmaids came out to take some pictures, and again, I was so thankful for each of them. My sister is my sister. She is irreplaceable and so good for my heart...if only she lived closer!! Erin has become a good friend and prayed some of the most tender and moving prayers over me. Mandy has been my partner in crime in the FCC world like no one else. She’s carried my burdens and laughed with me for hours. Ally has been my most frequent visitor and the best at pursing our friendship despite the distance. She’s a dear friend and fellow food lover!

If you know my dad, I think this has been one of the days he’s dreaded all of his life. He wasn’t around me much leading up to the ceremony because I think his tender heart just could not take it. We joked about needing a mop to follow him around because the tears would be unending, but he was holding it together quite nicely. I had a cry session with both of my parents the night before, and I hoped that would help us all get through the day with greater ease.

It was almost go time, and Bryan stopped just outside the bridal room. He put his arm around me, and he asked how I was doing in that “I really want to know how you’re doing” sort of way. He asked if he could pray with me, and I almost lost it here. Bryan and Kathryn have been some of the most influential people in my life, and they’ve loved me and cared for me in a very unique way over the past 6 years.

I circled up with all of the bridesmaids, flower bringers, my mom, my grandma, my mother-in-law, sisters-in-law, and it was quite the circle! My mom and sister prayed, and next thing I know, it’s time to get this party started. I hugged my dad, told him I loved him, and we started to get everyone set.

Dave and Wes starting playing Divine Romance, and my heart was full. My grandma, mom, and Mrs. Tomberlin were all seated. The bridal party walked out, and I was just getting so excited to walk down the aisle. My dad was probably close to a heart attack.

Next it was our turn. The packed out place stood as my dad and I walked down the aisle. I couldn’t even see Adam because of how the chairs were positioned. I looked to my mom and smiled. My dad looked at me and said, “Eye of the tiger, Marissa!” We laughed, and I held his arm a little tighter. We got down the aisle, and I turned to face the direction I came. Bryan seated everyone, and the flower processional began.

Ryann, Charlotte, and Savannah walked towards me with flowers in hand. Savannah had her thumb in her mouth and did not want to hold her sister’s hand. In fact, she almost had a meltdown as the bridal party walked in because she didn’t want to hold Charlotte’s hand. I was just glad to see the 3 of them walking. They gave me their flowers, and each one gave me a hug. Ryann kissed me right on the lips, and I loved it.

Next Caleb came down. He was smiling and looking as precious as ever. He handed me the flowers and whispered in my ear, “You’re gorgeous!” He then hugged me, kissed me, and told me he loved me. Tears immediately filled my eyes.

Hannah walked down next. She’s one of my high school cheerleaders. Over a year ago, before I was dating Adam, she asked if she could be a flower girl in my wedding. I reluctantly agreed, and we pinky promised on it. When I found out she was coming to the wedding, I knew she needed to be in it. Hannah’s family has showered me with great love and support, and she’s a fantastic girl who will be doing Kingdom work all the days of her life.

Sami walked down next. She was crying the whole time, and that made me want to cry. Sami and I have been friends since her first summer on staff, and we’ve shared many heart to hearts and lots of laughter.

Amy came next. She’s been a source of encouragement like no one else in the past year. Her love for Jesus is so genuine and so real. We’ve had many skype conversations that have made me laugh and challenged me to love Jesus more fully. She and her husband need to move to Seattle and then follow Adam and I wherever we go.

Joel and Kathryn were the last pair. Joel had his thumb closed in a door and almost couldn’t walk down the aisle. Thankfully, he decided he could do it, and we switched him to walk with his mom instead of his brother Caleb. Kathryn is one of the most amazing women I know. To say she’s been a dear friend is a drastic understatement. Her unwavering faith and selfless love even in the midst of losing her son Samuel has been one of the greatest testaments of a genuine relationship with Jesus. She tied up all of my flowers so they were a bouquet. She and Joely both hugged me and told me they loved me.

I turned back around to face Bryan and give my groom a wink. I knew my dad’s line was coming up, and I felt my heart tug a little bit. This was it. The passing of the baton. My dad was relinquishing me completely to Adam. I held firmly to his arm, and I needed him to know that I loved him so very much. That I appreciated the way that he fathered my heart and loved me so sacrificially. I wanted him to know that I felt the loss of this exchange even though all I talked about was the joy of the covenant I was soon to make. My parents have been unmovable rocks in my life. My mom has always been quick to point out Truth and turn me towards Jesus. She’s laughed with me and cried with me. My parents have loved me unconditionally, and I am so thankful for them.

The time came for my dad to say, “Her mother and I.” He kissed me on the cheek and told me loved me. Adam came and stood at my right side, and I felt completely safe and secure with my hand in Adam’s.

Bryan started off our ceremony, and I looked at him with great admiration. He welcomed everyone and prayed for us. He talked about the appropriateness of worship at a wedding. Bryan is so good with words and a fantastic communicator. He transitioned us beautifully into a time of worship.

Dave and Wes led us in the song Everything first. It talks about God being my everything- in my sleeping, in my waking, in my hoping, in my dreaming, in my weeping, in my healing, etc. Adam and I wanted this in our ceremony because though we are pumped about marriage, we know that God must be our everything. That’s not something we can fulfill for each other. It goes on to say, “Christ in me, Christ in me, the hope of glory. You are everything!” It was an amazing moment in our ceremony. I was standing with Adam, arms lifted to the Lord, singing, “Be my everything.” We then sang Blessed Be Your Name. Adam chose this song. This song has taken on new meaning for me as I’ve watched Bryan and Kathryn walk through the loss of Samuel. We wanted to stand together and declare the words in that song, even though we have no idea what blessings or darkness will be on our road. In the midst of that song, I felt like this was too good to possibly be earthly. I could’ve stood in this moment for a long time. I wanted to freeze time. One of my deepest desires for our ceremony was that it would point to Jesus. I loved every second of worshiping with all of the people (who were there) who played a part in getting us to this point. The Holy Spirit was sweet and tangible.

My brother then came up for the charge. I wish we had recorded it because I would post it. But it was awesome. My brother first talked about how much he loved me and wanted to protect me. He didn’t think there would ever be a guy good enough, but Adam was the perfect fit for me. I don’t think Adam even knows the weight of those words. Anthony is also an amazing communicator. He charges us to live, love, and serve in such a way that our marriage points to Jesus. He told us to fix our eyes on Jesus as we live this out. It was really powerful, and I think he was about 5 seconds away from getting the whole place on their knees. He prayed the prayer from Ephesians 3. The same prayer that I’ve been praying for Adam and I since August. It was awesome.

Bryan came back to do the vows, communion, declaration of intent, and the proclamation. Bryan paused us at the communion table and urged us to take in these moments. I was wanting the whole ceremony to slow down. It was going too fast, and it was too good. Dave and Wes were playing Beautiful Things by Gungor. If you don’t know this song, go youtube it. Because it’s awesome. Adam prayed for us, and then Bryan led us in communion.

As we walked back to center stage, I knew this was about to be finished. There were moments left in our ceremony, and I wanted to savor all of them.

Next thing you know, Adam is kissing me, and we’re walking down the aisle again. I was filled with joy. Adam was now my husband. And all of these people got to be a part of our covenant as witnesses. It felt like a holy moment.

There were some really important friends who were unable to be there for one reason or another, and for a moment, I felt a twinge of sadness that they weren’t there. Whether it be missions in Africa, a trip to Vermont, a newborn baby, or another wedding, I felt their absence. They were missed.

Adam and I rushed back to a private room to spend literally 2 minutes by ourselves.

We were whisked away for pictures and such. I’m not going to keep going writing about the evening, but it was perfect. There was a lot of stress around this day, and it felt incredible to have such an amazing day. All of the arguing, frustration, tension, and anxiety was forgotten on that day. The day was covered in peace and joy. It was an answer to prayer.

Here’s how I ended my journal entry on December 18th:

“My heart was full of gratitude. I so loved having Jesus be the center of our wedding. I’m first the Lord’s. My heart is His. My life is His. My whole being is His. I am grateful for the gift of Adam, but I recognize that Adam is also the Lord’s. I must hold him with an open hand and love him unconditionally, knowing that this life is not my own. My Creator and my King gets to write my story, and obviously, I must relinquish all control. My heart’s desire is to have both: God’s story and my husband with me on this journey. And hopefully, I will, but I recognize God’s way will reign supreme! Whatever that looks like. I’m convinced I had the BEST wedding ceremony of all time. It was the best day of my life!”

That was some of my wedding day.

It was perfect.

Wedding Week- Day 1

Our wedding is Saturday.

Wedding week is officially here, and I can hardly believe it. The past few weeks have been so insanely busy, that I could barely keep up. I don't know even know if I was technically "keeping up."

All weekend, my chest would tighten up with the realization of things that need to happen. I would take deep breaths in hopes of calming down. My team competed (and won) in their first competition this weekend, and my good friend Ally was here. So, there wasn't much time to sit down and get stuff done.

At one point I looked at Adam and said, "I was wrong. I couldn't handle all of this. I put too much on my plate- teaching full time, coaching, competing, moving, the wedding." His response? "Hindsight is always 20/20." Thanks. But in all seriousness, I want to trade in my super woman cape for a towel at the beach. Thankfully, I get to very soon.

I find great relief in knowing this very exciting wedding day is quickly approaching. I definitely feel like I'm in the home stretch, and I can do this.

I'm so excited to go home and spend time with everyone. I'm thankful for my mom who has worked her tail off to make this day possible. She's done far more wedding work than her busy schedule allows for. Saturday literally would not be happening if it weren't for her.

I'm sure the next few days will be filled with an array of emotions, but I'm thrilled that this week is finally here.

Busy

I can't really come close to describing the emotions I have embodied this week. I have a serious conflict of interests by taking the time to post. I should be packing. Or doing my December calendar for my 4s class. Or e-mailing the parents of my cheerleaders about upcoming events. Or writing thank you notes (gulp!).

But I just can't.

This week has been insane. Never before have I wanted to just disappear like I wanted to repeatedly this week. Tuesday night I felt my lungs tightening and could not get a full breath, and I wanted to back myself into a corner and be swallowed up by the walls.

In most stressful seasons I always say, "What needs to get done, will get done." But this time, I've said it with dwindling confidence. There's just. too. much. I looked at Adam at one point this week and said, "I just don't think I can do this." I was overwhelmed to the point of needing to cry but knowing I didn't have the emotional stamina to handle a breakdown.

I find myself irritable, exhausted, and sensitive. Things that would normally roll off my back are hurting my feelings. I'm having to be so intentional about believing the best in day to day life with my team, my co-workers, and even Adam. Which, yes, this does demand more energy than I have to offer.

I know that this will all get better in 16 days, but that suddenly seems like a daunting number. I have no choice but to look to Christ to sustain me each day. I quietly pray for grace and patience. For a kind word for my students and team. For the ability to smile and be a person of joy to those around me.

I have listened to the song Yahweh by Hillsong 40 times in the past 2 weeks. The main point of the song is this: We look to Yahweh. And He shall reign forever.

Yes, there's more, but all I need is to look to Yahweh, for He shall reign forever. He can reign in my ridiculously busy days. I need to keep looking to Him. When my eyes lose sight of Him, everything becomes overwhelming.

I'm so ready for December 17th. I just need to make it that long.

Real Life

My cheer team has been more and more intrigued by my wedding as it gets closer and closer. Some of their questions make me laugh really hard. Often after I answer they respond with, "For my wedding..." And I just smile at them.

I mean, should I burst their bubble? Their wedding probably won't be how they imagine or dream it to be right now. Just once I casually mentioned the foreign concept that maybe, just maybe, their groom to be will have an opinion about the day too. To which they respond with looks of horror!! How dare this fictional man contradict a single detail of their dream wedding!!

They are in high school, so I don't push the issue.

But what I want to say is this: real life is different than that dream world of yours!

This wedding process has not been what I imagined it to be. I was never a girl to dream in detail about my wedding because I never felt guaranteed the gift of marriage. Sure, I had some picture of what I would want the day to look like, but I didn't spend hours upon hours dreaming up this day. This wedding process has been the beginning of bringing two families together, and that is just not always (ever?) easy. There's been lots of give and take, compromise, and refocusing on the main thing. I'm so excited for our wedding day; it will be one of the best days of my life to date. But I'm far more excited for our marrige.

I wish I could convince these girls to hold loosely to all their wedding dreams, but I know that it won't actually mean anything right now.

Because what's way better than the wedding they are envisioning, is the real life romance which is better than any chick flick they watch. I've watched a girly movie or two with these girls, and now that I'm very much in love with Adam, I always feel the need to tell them that romance as portrayed in movies is not real. But the real version is so. much. better.

They've often said, "Why can't real life be like the movies?" And I'm just so thankful it's not. I'm so thankful that falling in love takes longer than the 2 weeks we see in a movie. The beauty of being truly known by the man you love does not compare to any cheesy chick flick.

Their real life wedding will probably be different than the one they are dreaming about; I can only hope their real life love story will be far better than the ones they see on TV and think they want.

November 17

We're getting married in a month!! This picture is from April, but I feel like this could've been yesterday. Or Tuesday. Or Monday. Get the idea?

30 more days.

Now or Never

It's no secret that I'm an ultra-competitive person. I can turn literally anything into a competition. Adam and I will race each other down the stairs, to the car, in the grocery store, etc. I turn conditioning into competitions for my team all. the. time. No shave November is a current competition with my team (I will win). I thrive on competition, but I hate losing. Hate it.

This year, my team is competing for the first time, and I'm thrilled about it. I started planning their competition season, routine, music- all of it- before the season ever started. In fact, last year's season wasn't even over yet. Coaching a team that didn't compete last year was a challenge for me. This is where I feel most natural.

Having said that, my focus is not entirely on competition. Not even close. Last winter I picked the theme "Now or Never" for them, and it's what we come back to all the time. Though it has implications for our team physically and mentally, the main thing is this: our time is now to walk in who God created us to be and to further His kingdom wherever we are right now. I don't expect crazy accolades from them; I just desperately want them pushing each other towards good works and deeper relationships with Jesus. If we can't get this aspect right, we're doomed on the competition mat.

Though at times I feel like I'm fighting an upward battle solo, I get glimpses of hope that they're "getting it."

We're 26 days away from our first competition. Yes, they compete a week before our wedding. I know, I know. I'm crazy.

I spend HOURS thinking about these girls, their competitions, their strengths, their weaknesses, and everything that needs to happen in the next few weeks. As a coach, I battle all the time with lowering my expectations or pulling them up to where I want them. Poor Adam has heard far more about this team than he ever wanted to hear. So many times he'll say, "Just let me condition them one time!" They might not live to see a second time.

Yesterday at church, I kept thinking about my team and my desire to see them be people of hope here at Cedar Park. I want them living out their relationships with Jesus in a real and authentic way. We sang The Stand, and I had a mental picture of us arms locked together and lifted high with hearts abandoned before the Lord. That is what I want. More than earning respect. More than gym space to practice in. More than a super talented team. More than winning state. I want a team unified before the Lord, wholly surrendered before Him.

This has been my hardest season of coaching simply because coaching their hearts is equally as hard as coaching their skills. I love my team more than I can explain, but they have challenged me to be a better coach, better mentor, and better giver of grace. I often leave practices flat out stumped. I feel like I'm constantly asking God for wisdom and strength when it comes to leading them.

I do feel very strongly about this cheer season. God has a unique thing for us this year, and I want to soak everything out of it that I can. It's now or never, and my prayer is that we pick NOW.

We must.

In Case You Were Wondering...

Yes. I do have to go to a football game tonight that is an hour and a half away with an 8:00 start time that is expected to be 36 degrees. Go Eagles!

Yes. I do have all of my report cards to do because I haven't started any of them. They don't need to be finished until the 18th, so naturally, I'll wait a little bit longer.

Yes. My wedding dress has arrived!! I get to try it on after work on Monday.

Yes. I do crave Mexican food on an almost daily basis. I've been meeting that craving with my awesome queso fresco & chipotle flavored Laughing Cow cheese. So, correct. It doesn't come close to actually meeting the craving.

Yes. I am taking vitamin C everyday, but I feel like I'm coming really close to getting sick. The lack of sleep probably is the problem.

Yes. I am getting married in 43 days. And one of the most helpful tips from premarital counseling thus far is this: don't discuss problems if your heart rate is over 100. Take a timeout instead. I actually applied this in practice last week. I could tell my heart rate shot up because I was mad, so I called a literal timeout.

Yes. It pains me that I haven't gotten to cuddle my new niece. She is beautiful.

Yes. I wore the same shirt twice this week. On purpose.

Yes. The basement in which I live is positively freezing each morning. Taking a shower in the morning is just too painful.

Yes. I'm trying to avoid cleaning my classroom.

Robbed and Showered and Housed

So. Exciting news in the life of Marissa and Adam.

My house got robbed on Friday. They broke in through the glass doors on the main level, and they did a quick sweep of both levels of the house. Thankfully, I wasn't the first one home after the break in. I came home to cops on my street and one of my housemates outside the door.

A laptop, camera, jewelry, and cash were all stolen. The cash was mine, and it was a significant amount. As in, the laptop, camera, and jewelry did not add up to the amount of cash stolen. I know. WHY did I have that kind of cash in my house? Long story.

My room was ransacked. The other girls'rooms were clawed through. It was an eventful Friday.

I was most upset about the stolen cash. Shocker.

The next morning, I was blessed to have my preschool parents throw me a shower. All of the parents from last year's class came and a few from this year's class came too. It was at the same house of the people who had me over last spring and loved me in such meaningful ways. I wish I had taken pictures of the decor because it was simply wonderful. She does everything 100%! The little girl from my class last year got to stay, and she was cute as can be.

She loved handing me the presents. She begged me to move in with them, saying, "I always wanted a sister!" Too cute! Of all the presents I received that day, the one she made was by far my favorite:

She painted that canvas. It took her 2 hours on the practice run and 2 hours on this one. I love it so much. It will definitely be hanging up in our home! I was showered with love, gifts, praise, and prayer. It was a great time of fellowship right after a disturbing evening.

Oh! And there's Adam. Looking thrilled about all of the presents taking over his apartment.

What a man! We also put money down on a townhouse. Sadly for me, it's in Bothell. We will be leaving the city, but it's a good compromise for now. I'm just pumped to have a place that will be ours. I get to move in right after Thanksgiving, and I'm so excited!! Partly because I just want out of my house. Mostly because I know that it's going to be our home.

What a weekend!

I Have A Reason To Sing

This has been a challenging week at school, but I try to remind myself all the time that I have so much to be thankful for. I love Hillsong's song Desert Song. It says repeatedly that in every season, God is still God. Period.

Though everyone told me the second year of teaching would be remarkably easier, I have found this to not be true. Yes, it's easier to do lesson plans. Yes, crafts come much easier. I know what they are generally capable of and how much time things take to accomplish. I know to e-mail parents back the day they e-mail me. The logistics of teaching are much easier. But my schedule and my classes are both much harder this year. I think back to last year's class, and I tear up a little.

Each day, I drive home and think of all the reasons I have to sing- all the reasons praise can come forth from my lips.

But this is a discipline. I was literally in tears with Adam two nights ago, as he prayed over me regarding all things discouraging at school. It's easy to focus on the chaos, the frustrations, and the differences, but I must recognize the reasons to sing.

I coach 14 amazing young ladies, and this is a rare privilege. I am deeply blessed to have them in my life. One of them actually just brought me a coffee. She said, "You seem stressed. So, I just wanted to do something nice for you." Richly blessed.

Cute preschoolers are a part of my job.

The parents from my preschool classes last year are throwing me a wedding shower tomorrow morning. They are excited and eager to celebrate this time with me, and that blesses me significantly.

Have I mentioned I love my church? Because I love my church! I hope we can establish a delightful community there.

In 50 days, I'm marrying the man that I'm deeply in love with. He makes me want to love Jesus more. He cares for my heart and tolerates my ridiculousness. And almost as importantly as the Jesus thing is the fact that he makes me laugh. A LOT!

My family is awesome.

Just so we're clear, it's a half day at work right now. Instead of working on progress reports, I'm just sitting at my desk. My eyes are burning because I'm so tired.

I have so much to praise God for. Even though I'm still struggling to find a rhythm at work, I have a reason to sing. Even though my cheerleaders can be sassy and demanding, I have a reason to sing. Even though I'm exhausted a lot, I have a reason to sing.

I will bring praise.

Behold

Right after I shared about the mounting stress and ever present chaos, I decided I should devote more time to reading Scripture. I went home that night and read Isaiah 43, which I love. It's starts off saying,

"But now thus says the Lord,

he who created you, O Jacob,

he who formed you, O Israel:

'Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have you called you by name, you are mine.'"

Um. That is awesome.

Created. Formed. Don't fear. Redeemed. Called by name. Mine. That's verse 1.

"'When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;

when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,

and the flame shall not consume you.

For I am the Lord your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

I gave Egypt as your ransom,

Cush and Seba in exchange for you.

Because you are previous in my eyes,

and honored, and I love you,

I give men in return for you,

peoples in exchange for your life.'"

Talk about a loving God who desired intimate, covenant relationship with a broken, sinful people. Did I say desired? Hmm. Desires is more like it.

As I was reading the chapter, I was moved by God's relentless pursuit of his people. The nation of Israel just could not grasp the love God had for them. I kept reading the chapter and came to these verses...

"Thus says the Lord, who makes a way in the sea,

a path in the mighty waters,

who brings forth chariot and horse, army and warrior;

they lie down, they cannot rise,

they are extinguished, quenched like a wick:

'Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old.

Behold, I am doing a new thing;

now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?

I will make a way in the wilderness

and rivers in the desert.

The wild beasts will honor me,

the jackals and the ostriches,

for I give water in the wilderness,

rivers in the desert, to give drink to my chosen people,

the people whom I formed for myself

that they might declare my praise."

Behold. I am doing a new thing.

I read that quite a few times and knew that I needed to accept that God was doing a new thing this year. I could keep looking back to the greatness of last year (in regards to work), but it would be better for everyone involved if I would just behold the new thing God was doing. New kids. New schedule. New demands. I saw all of this as negative. But I am starting to perceive that it's not all bad.

God will provide water. Water is often symbolic of life in the Bible. And that's essentially what I reminded myself that night. God is the Source. He will provide life for me, that I might declare his praise.

I'm happy to report that Adam got a job this week. Immediate praise flowed from our mouths. That was much needed "water" that God provided. I'm very grateful for it.

Right now my desire is to just behold what God is doing for this season. I do miss my kids (and parents) from last year very much, but it's this year. Our pastor passed on a quote from Jim Elliot that I liked a lot, "Wherever you are, be all there." That's what I'm working on right now. I am confident God has good things for this year, and my heart needs to be drawn closer to His. The preschoolers and cheerleaders for this season, are just for this season. I would hate to miss opportunities to be a person of hope, love, and grace in their lives.

Behold.

Stressed

Lately I've been perplexed by the stress that's building up in my life. I have been through many season of busyness, stress, and pressured situations. Prior to the current stress I'm living in, planning the 2010 FCC program was the most stressful 5 consecutive months I've gone through.

I've been comparing this time right now and the 5 month stretch of 2010, and I can say with confidence God has stretched me in these past 8 weeks in a different way than that time. My personal interpretation is that it's more stressful currently, but that is probably because I'm in the middle of it.

After spending some time in thought today, my realization is that it's not necessarily the stress that is getting to me; it's the chaos. The chaos of being over 2 teams, starting a competing Varsity team, a very different work schedule that involves me darting from one building to the next on a daily basis, "planning" a wedding from Washington, living in a weird house right now, and the list goes on. I physically can't be in 2 places at once, but my schedules requires it 3 times a week. How does no one in charge realize this?!

Since the 3rd week of school, I've committed to spending my first waking moments with the Lord in the Word and in prayer. If it doesn't happen then, I can assure you, it's not going to happen. And when we pray at the start of class, I'm genuinely asking the Lord to come and make Himself known in my classroom. He knows- I. certainly. need. Him!

I don't know if it's me or all these changes, but work feels like work these days. Not that I can complain. I find myself taking deep breaths in the middle of preschool. I'm silently thinking, "Patience, Marissa. They're 4."

And I'm asking the Lord to do whatever is necessary to align my heart with His right now. I so badly want to know God better. I want to best demonstrate His love to the students in my care. I want to abide in Him and be in constant conversation with Him. Though my heart's desire is to lead my students/cheerleaders with strength, passion, and joy, there are moments when I have no choice but to quietly utter, "Jesus."

I shared these verses 2 weeks ago with my cheerleaders during a "Come to Jesus" chat I was having with them.

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works,"

Hebrews 10:23-24

He is faithful! I know it to be true in the midst of chaos and stress. I know it to be true in the midst of laughter and relaxation.

I know this season will shift. I know that at some point, my work won't feel like chaos anymore because I will adapt. *crosses fingers* And I know for sure, I'll stop planning a wedding December 17th. I know competition season will be over February 4th. I get to move out of the house December 14thish. So... reprieve is coming! :)

For now, I hope to get as much out of this craziness as I can.

79 Days

And definitely counting!

Just 79 more days until Adam and I get married. Perhaps that number makes my mom's insides tighten at everything that still needs to be done. I, on the other hand, longingly wish to see those numbers drop much faster.

When I fall asleep on the couch at 9:45 (party animal- look out!), I just want to walk to bed instead of getting in my car and driving home.

Instead of regularly transporting groceries and necessary kitchen utensils between our two kitchens, I'll be thrilled to have one kitchen to cook in and store all of our stuff.

I want to be confident that my day is going to start and end next to Adam.

I'm ready to build a home that is ours. I still have unpacked boxes and no pictures in my current residence because I knew I would be leaving soon. I'm so, so excited about sitting on a couch in my own apartment. It's a luxury, I tell you.

I'm eager to establish a routine that will work for us and go through that awkward transition of having a boy for a roommate. I'm anticipating it being awkward. Maybe it won't be. Adam is actually cleaner than I am, so maybe he'll be the one to go through an awkward transition.

I'm just so excited to start this next season together. There is a calm and confidence when I think about Adam as my husband. I know his heart is first the Lord's. I know he desires for us to serve the Lord and advance His kingdom wherever we are. I know that when we have kids- way, way down the road- he'll be a wonderful dad.

There's plenty of chaos in my life, but thankfully, Adam has been a source of strength, encouragement, and truth.

There are 79 days before we become man and wife.

December 17th will not come fast enough.

Today

Today, I'm thankful for...

*preschoolers that enjoy singing with me.

*coffee in the teacher's lounge.

*the quiet in my car on the way to work.

*the very fact that I have a job. Not everyone does, and I'm appreciating more and more what a gift my job is.

*my team. Even after a crappy practice.

*Adam, who sent me a 1 Peter 3:1 this morning, "All honor to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, for it is by his boundless mercy that God has given us the privilege of being born again. Now we live with a wonderful expectation because Jesus Christ rose from the dead." Amen!

*an unexpected e-mail from a parent who chose to speak life into me as a coach.

*my loving Jesus, who is abundantly more than I need for each day.

There are days when I want to collapse from the stresses of this season or the fatigue of the day, but I long to have a heart of gratitude. Yes, there are parts of right now that are not easy, but big picture, I'm more than ok. I am blessed beyond measure, to be exact.

Sunday's sermon was about abiding in Christ. Apparently to abide means to be "at home." Oh how I long to be "at home" with Jesus throughout everyday. On some days, I am working and walking all over campus- in the high school gym, in the church building, in the 3rd-5th grade building, in the lower elementary building, etc, but no matter where I go, I want to abide in Christ. I had this beautiful image of what it could look like for me to be at home with Jesus as I walked throughout my days, and it's exactly what I want.

Not so much in my current house, but in my previous place of residence, there was such comfort in walking into my apartment at the end of the day, or spending Saturday mornings in the quiet and calm of my space. That is what I want with Jesus. All day.

I feel like I'm really grasping John 15 when Jesus talks about us being able to do nothing apart from Him. He is the vine- the source. I will not produce fruit apart from Him. I want to grow, healthy. I can confirm that trying to grow apart from the vine will in fact cause withering.

"Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you unless you abide in me." John 15:4

Looking Back...

Adam and I keep reflecting on the past year and how things look drastically different than we expected. He should've been off to an overseas internship with IJM for a year starting this month (September 2011), and who knows how I would have chosen to spend my summer- probably staffing. We're both so thankful for the ways God intervened in our lives and this road we're following Him on.

As I sit here with my coffee on this beautiful Labor Day morning, I look back at what God has done in the past year, and I smile. And laugh a little. The first week back to school, though still exhausting, was so different than last year. I am so much more confident and at ease, and in the very least, I know how the day is supposed to flow.

The constant feeling of inadequacy coupled with a lack of community set me up for an exhausting year last year. Continually striving to do better and meet expectations, all the while having no one to come alongside of me and speak life into my weary self. Thankfully the striving cycle stopped somewhere around October/November, and I was renewed and refreshed by my preschoolers. This past year was a lot of surrendering and trusting the Lord to be more than enough for me.

This goes for my relationship with Adam as well. Moving forward with him felt like a huge leap. Any relationship would be a leap, but a long distance one felt like a larger one. I had no idea how I would keep his interest from across the country, but I took baby steps as I trusted him. But ultimately my trust was in Jesus. If Adam hurt me, I was confident my Jesus would be more than enough for me. Come what may in that relationship, I knew that God would certainly work in the heartache and bring me to a deeper, more intimate place with Him. Thankfully, long term damage hasn't happened. Hoping it stays that way.

I think more than anything, my desire to be like Jesus has intensified in the past year. I've been so challenged at church, through coaching my high schoolers, and by being in this city that seems very anit-Christianity to emulate Christ in such a way that there isn't a huge discrepancy from the Jesus in the Bible to the Jesus people may or may not see inside of me.

I'm thankful for the deep and personal love of my Father that isn't based on my ability to teach 4 year olds how to read, how clean my classroom is, or how creative my crafts are. I so appreciate very supportive parents-my own, of my preschoolers, and of my cheer girls who love me generously and kindly. I am humbled by the children, big and small, who are entrusted into my care to point them to Jesus and educate them in one way or another.

Between falling in love with Adam, teaching 34 preschoolers, and coaching 14 girls, my love capacity seems to have increased significantly.

I am pretty confident that Seattle is not home for good. But I love being here right now. I love looking back at the year and seeing God's refining and grace all over it. I love knowing that this year will look different for so many reasons.

Some "Stand Out" moments from the year...

*I had a very challenging little boy in my 4s class last year. He experienced our "quiet chair" more than anyone else, and I had to work the hardest with him one on one to accomplish tasks. He was also the first kiddo to arrive every morning, and I could have a solid 5 minutes of uninterrupted time with him. I tried to be really intentional with those 5 minutes, hoping to start our day off on a positive note. I was helping him with some manipulatives one morning, and he just looked up at me and said, "I know you love me." It was completely out of the blue. But I was so thankful that he knew, yes, I do love him though I have to correct poor behavior and bad choices what felt like constantly.

*After a really strong performance by my cheerleaders on Senior Night, my superintendent e-mailed me to praise my work. Which, we did NOT get off to a good start, he and I, so I was especially grateful and a little confused.

*My twins in the 4s class pooped in the urinal. The janitors were not pleased with me that day.

*The first time I went to Bethany Community Church, where I go now, it seemed borderline perfect. And I nearly cried with relief. After much searching, I was so grateful to find such a gem of a church.

*At cheer camp with my team this year, we were taking a break from practice. I forgot how hard it is to be a camper; I've been a staffer for so long. I put in my preschool chapel CD, and for the next several minutes we sang kids songs, motions included. We got to "Our God Is An Awesome God," and the whole 3 and a half minutes is the chorus repeated. There was a shift in the atmosphere from silly to genuine, and my girls sang so loudly and so beautifully the words to that song while doing the motions. It was a moment I wanted to hold onto forever.

*The day Adam moved here- can't even begin to describe the relief that flooded me. Oh man, it was awesome. And I guess the day we got engaged was pretty awesome too. :)

There were lots of really great moments throughout the year. I blogged about a lot of them already. But I need to bring this marathon post to end.

I appreciate the prayers, support, visits, e-mails, messages, etc of so many people back home. I am definitely aware of what I left behind, but I'm so grateful for the friendships and community I have on the other side of the country. I am such a blessed girl!

Remember when I moved to Washington?

I'm going to do a real post reflecting on my year in Seattle, but I just like to relive my road trip west. So, in honor of that delightful experience, I'm posting some pictures. A year later.

Step 1. Cross into Tennessee.

Step 2: Cross into Kentucky. I've grown particularly fond of this state. I can remember texting Adam about how visually boring his state was. This led to texting the rest of the road trip. Oh how much God has done since then! :)

Step 3: Barely skim Illinois and cross into Missouri. I was driving for the crossover into Missouri, and Anthony missed the state sign. However, we had no inclination to turn around and snag it. I wasn't particularly fond of Missouri. I have no desire to live there. Ever.

Step 4: Sleep in Missouri- no picture. The next morning we got up and started driving by 6:30. Iowa was next, and it wasn't so thrilling either. Followed by South Dakota. I personally enjoyed South Dakota. Anthony did not. He made me laugh a lot though, so that's what I'm basing it off of. And we stopped at a pretty awesome coffee shop.

This is what we saw most of the time in South Dakota...

I liked it. Anthony- not so much. The Badlands were cool. And HIS pick!

Next up: Wyoming. I really liked Wyoming too. We camped in Wyoming, and we woke up to a beautiful sunrise with animals grazing in the field near by. It was pretty cool. My picture is awesome; I know.

We continued into Montana.

(my state signs were a big deal to me at the time. Not so much anymore)

We then went into Idaho. One of my favorite stops BY FAR!! It was beautiful! We camped here, and I almost didn't want to leave. It was so wonderful.

So beautiful!!

And then it happened...we made it to Washington. This state sign was so disappointing. It was on the left side of the road, so we couldn't get out and take a picture with it. AND it was tiny. It also made me sick to my stomach because that meant I was really here. The adventure of the cross country drive was practically over. This was about to be my life.

Anthony was definitely ready to be finished with the 12+ hour days in the car. I had a really great time, and I have mostly fond memories of the journey.

My real 1 year post is soon to come.