It's becoming a thing now, but I really didn't think I'd have margin to get this written out. I've been thinking about how I usually do a look back before the year ends, but I assumed it wouldn't happen. But here it goes.
In so many ways, 2019 was another brutal year. BUT.
But Elliana Joy came into our family, and that is such an overwhelming bright spot that it really does help cast a shadow on all that was hard. When I think back to my wrap up of 2018, I'm shocked that I'm already back here at another year's end.
When I think back to what has stood out from this year, aside from Elliana, it's mostly the hard stuff. The hard stuff of 2018 seemed to be centered around loss. The hard stuff of 2019 has been a different kind of hard. But I want to try to remember some high points first.
For some reason, the gender reveal with my friends stands out to me. They all put effort and time and money into a small gathering for them all to be able to find out together if we were having a boy or a girl. We just did it at Fellowship's playground, but I left feeling so unbelievably loved. They were so excited to find out what baby Tomberlin was going to be. We have a picture of us spraying all of them with pink silly string, and it brings a smile to my face just looking at it.
The boys' school has been a tremendous blessing to our family. Talk about an unexpected joy! There is so much I like about this school. I was initially trying to get them into that school because of how close it is to our house, but it has been so much more than I could have hoped for. Nolan's teacher is INCREDIBLE. I'm in awe of her, and I have often joked that I wish she could mentor me. Isaac's teacher adores him, and that is truly all I wanted for that boy. I'm so grateful we got that call just days before Elliana was born that Nolan had made it off the wait list and into the class.
I can't not mention Elliana. I look at her every day and marvel. I'm so deeply grateful she's here. I think my boys as babies were just as enthralled with me as she is, but honestly, I don't remember. The look on her face when she seems me- I can't believe it. I can't believe I have a daughter who I get to delight in, and she equally delights in me. And watching Nolan and Isaac with her- forget about it. Done. Melted. Isaac seeks reassurance often that no one is taking her from us, and I often wonder if maybe having Sammy leave our home had more of an impact on him than I realized. We all adore Elliana, and I love being her Mama.
This has been by far the hardest year of marriage for us. When peers would talk about being in a difficult season of marriage, I truly did not understand. My relationship with Adam had been so easy. Marriage was fun. Sure, we had little things here and there, who doesn't? But this year, this year has been hard. In September, I went to see a counselor for some help. She asked me why I was there, and I started back with the first miscarriage and talked through why I was there. When I was done, she said, "Wow! Marissa, that sounds so painful! I'm so sorry." And I broke down. I went into counseling thinking she was going to tell me everything I could be doing better, but her first response was compassion. That moment, her response, was deeply impactful for me.
I have a lot of hope that my 2020 recap is going to be different. Meaning, I'm hopeful for what God is going to continue to do in us next year. In a lot of ways I'm coming out of survival mode and the postpartum haze. Life since Elliana was born has especially been exhausting. Not because I had a newborn, obviously that did play a part, but I had never been so needed by all members of this Tomberlin family. I can remember someone texted asking me a question that could have been answered with their own efforts, and I nearly cried. I was breaking. I couldn't help anyone else because Adam needed me so much as he was living through anxiety, and clearly my children needed me. I mean, my daughter needs me to you know, EAT! One morning the song Yes I Will by Vertical Worship came on, and I cried and realized regardless of what is going on, I can offer praise. Worship could be my most powerful weapon. Sadly, I don't always remember this in the low moments.
2019 brought me a healthy baby girl, and for that it's one of the best years of my life. But otherwise, it's been another year that has me wanting to say, BYE!!! Next December, Adam and I will celebrate 9 years of marriage. We had planned to go back to where we honeymooned for our 10 year anniversary, but we've decided that we will try to pull it off for our 9 year anniversary because dang it, we believe we will be celebrating all that God has done! And if we can celebrate, I want to!
2020, let's do this!!
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
Tuesday, December 17, 2019
Elliana- 4 months
Gosh, I'm really late on this one. But I'm determined to not completely drop the ball on this.
Elliana Joy is 4 months (almost 2 weeks ago). At her 4 month check-up she was about 13.5 pounds, and I don't even remember how long. But she's right at the 50th percentile for height, and she's down in the 25-30th percentile for weight. She is a little one. But we love her littleness!
Elliana is a proficient roller, and she often lasts on her back all of 2 seconds before flipping herself over to her tummy. She's a strong little baby and holds her head up so good. She's showing no signs of trying to army crawl, and I'm so glad. A Christmas tree with just a roller is no problem. A Christmas tree with a crawler is tough!
I forgot what it was like to have a baby who thinks the world of you. Basically because I am pretty much her world. It's a pretty priceless feeling to go get her from her naps and in the morning and have her gasp with excitement to see me. We still do a dream feed at 10:30 at night that she generally sleeps straight through. Adam typically does this feeding, but sometimes I do it. A few times when I've gone in to scoop her up from her crib, she kicks her feet and borderline squeals as I'm getting her. At 10:30 at night. I can't help but giggle.
Our little peanut continues to bring such joy to our family. Even the crankiest of moods can be cracked by this girl. Each of us take such delight in her smiles, her talking, and simply her nearness. We are blessed to love this baby girl and watch her grow. I continue to feel no remorse as she gets bigger and bigger. What a gift that we have a healthy baby to watch grow!!! I am so thankful for her life! This time last year I was pleading to God to preserve her life inside of me, and this year I get to kiss her cheeks a hundred times a day and changer her stinky diapers and lock eyes with her from across the room. Elliana Joy, she is sunshine on my soul!!
Elliana Joy is 4 months (almost 2 weeks ago). At her 4 month check-up she was about 13.5 pounds, and I don't even remember how long. But she's right at the 50th percentile for height, and she's down in the 25-30th percentile for weight. She is a little one. But we love her littleness!
Her biggest accomplishment (but really mine!) was dropping the swaddle. She is in that little contraption, but it is safe for her to roll in. She much prefers her back right now, but I do think she'll enjoy her tummy eventually. The few times she has turned to her tummy, she got super angry. She's napping 4 times a day still, and she's sleeping through the night. But she does sometimes require paci intervention. Which to be honest, makes me feel like she's not quite sleeping through the night if I still have to get up.
This girl is a trooper. She's in the carseat a lot for school drop offs and pick ups. Thankfully school is very close, but I do hate waking her from her naps to go get the boys. But as a friend wisely told me, God knew exactly what it would be like to have a baby in this season of life, and He gave us Elliana. She's doing great being flexible!
Wednesday, November 13, 2019
Elliana- 3 months
Ellie Bean hit 3 months last week while we were at Disney. We celebrate big over here (I kid)!
It was a big 3rd month of life for her.
Elliana got to meet her North Carolina cousins. We went up for Valor's birthday, and it was a fun, non-stop weekend. She did so well being on the go and passed around. Her girl cousins were thrilled to meet her. She was equally as stoked, as pictured above.
This little one has done much better about napping, and she was sleeping through the night before said Disney trip. She also is rubbing a lot of her hair off, as I look at this picture from a couple of weeks ago. The combination of her head growing and her hair falling out is leaving her with a much less full head of hair. She's also getting the hang of the paci. If she would just keep it in, all of her naps and night time sleep would be perfect.
Elliana is by far my smallest baby of the three. At 3 months, she was around 12.5 pounds. She's hovering just under or right at 13 pounds now. Her cheeks are delicious, and she's getting some leg rolls. But she's still a little peanut. I'm not sure she will have doubled her birth weight by 4 months. Just so, so different from the boys. But we love every bit of her small self.
This little cutie is so strong. She dominates tummy time. She's holding her head up so good these days. I keep saying she's going to be strong like her Mama. And yes, I do call myself strong. The boys continue to adore her, and we are all so thankful to have this little one with us. I can't believe how close we are to the 4 month sleep regression. Oh boy...
It was a big 3rd month of life for her.
My tiny Wonder Woman loved Halloween. It was SO COLD, so she only lasted outside all of 30 minutes. But she was so dang cute, and I look forward to lots and lots of costumes. I'm all about dress up for all of my children. I look forward to seeing what this little girl leans towards- super heroes? princesses? combination of both?
Monday, October 7, 2019
Elliana- 2 Months
My girl is 2 months old, but really- it's 2 months still so little! Sometimes I look at her and think she is looking so big, and then I see someone else holding her from a distance and realize, NOPE! She's still a nugget! Her cheeks have filled out the most, and she's working on the arms and legs.
This child is a FIGHTER, oh my goodness! I am a little nervous if this is a foreshadowing of the stubbornness to come. She will fight a nap like crazy! Which seems super ridiculous considering she's only 2 months old. Homegirl likes to decide when she sleeps, and she doesn't seem to care what Mama has to say about it. She continues to give me a good stretch at night, making it somewhere between 4-5am. Both the boys were sleeping through the night at this point, but I told Adam from week 2, this cookie would not follow suit, and I was right!
She still takes bottles like a champ! We be sure to give her a bottle once a day, for the most part. Her last feed of the day around 10:30 is typically always a bottle. And the days I'm coaching, she gets an additional bottle. Isaac got to give her part of her bottle, and he was elated. Look at that grin! She's eating a total of 7 times a day right now.
Even when this girl resists daytime sleep, she is still a happy baby. I'm so thankful!! She likes to be on the floor, in her vibrating chair, and on her playmat. Today she rolled over from tummy to back and shocked us all. Herself included.
We're loving our Ellie Bean! At church on Sunday we sang the song Do It Again which speaks of God's faithfulness. I'm 100% confident I cried my way through that song at one point last year, desperately wanting to appreciate God's faithfulness but struggling! Yesterday, Elliana was strapped to my chest in her carrier, and I cried yet again as we sang this time. Both in gratitude and in faith. Holding this precious girl to my chest as tangible evidence of God's faithfulness made it a little easier to believe Him to be faithful in other areas of my life where I can struggle to understand what God is doing in the midst of hard times. Elliana continues to live up to the meaning of her name- God has answered!
This child is a FIGHTER, oh my goodness! I am a little nervous if this is a foreshadowing of the stubbornness to come. She will fight a nap like crazy! Which seems super ridiculous considering she's only 2 months old. Homegirl likes to decide when she sleeps, and she doesn't seem to care what Mama has to say about it. She continues to give me a good stretch at night, making it somewhere between 4-5am. Both the boys were sleeping through the night at this point, but I told Adam from week 2, this cookie would not follow suit, and I was right!
She still takes bottles like a champ! We be sure to give her a bottle once a day, for the most part. Her last feed of the day around 10:30 is typically always a bottle. And the days I'm coaching, she gets an additional bottle. Isaac got to give her part of her bottle, and he was elated. Look at that grin! She's eating a total of 7 times a day right now.
Even when this girl resists daytime sleep, she is still a happy baby. I'm so thankful!! She likes to be on the floor, in her vibrating chair, and on her playmat. Today she rolled over from tummy to back and shocked us all. Herself included.
We're loving our Ellie Bean! At church on Sunday we sang the song Do It Again which speaks of God's faithfulness. I'm 100% confident I cried my way through that song at one point last year, desperately wanting to appreciate God's faithfulness but struggling! Yesterday, Elliana was strapped to my chest in her carrier, and I cried yet again as we sang this time. Both in gratitude and in faith. Holding this precious girl to my chest as tangible evidence of God's faithfulness made it a little easier to believe Him to be faithful in other areas of my life where I can struggle to understand what God is doing in the midst of hard times. Elliana continues to live up to the meaning of her name- God has answered!
Friday, September 6, 2019
Elliana Joy - 1 Month
A month ago, I gave birth to our baby girl. And I know a lot of times this milestone (and many, many more to come) is met with sadness because babies don't keep. But I'm not sad one bit. I'm deeply, deeply grateful that my daughter is here, healthy, and growing. What a gift!!!
Elliana was born exactly 1 week before school started for both boys. We came home on a Wednesday evening and had exactly four days at home before the morning school rush started. It was a big adjustment for all of us to figure out. Little girl has spent far more time in her carseat than either of my other babies at this age. I take the "stay at home" mom part quite literally in the beginning in that I'm home A LOT. This time around has been different with school schedules to factor in.
Elliana has been a good eater from the beginning. She may have been a better eater in the first 2 weeks than recently. She can gasp and cough quite frequently if she starts gulping air and milk is coming too quickly for her. She's projectile vomited 4 times already, and I mean PROJECTILE vomited. She gets the hiccups more often than not after eating. I hope all of these issues get better as she gets bigger. She is already taking a bottle once a day because that is a very, very important skill for her to have, in my opinion.
This sweet girl gave us a little bit anxiety with some heart and lung issues in the hospital after delivery. We got discharged with instruction to watch her and a follow up cardiologist appointment two weeks later. It was an unsettling feeling at first to know that something could be wrong with our daughter's heart. But her cardiologist appointment confirmed what I believed to be true walking into that doctor's office- Elliana's heart is healthy! It was a huge relief for me, and I, again, felt deeply grateful. Not everyone walks out of there being told not to come back. I'm so thankful I won't be headed back to the Sibley Heart Group.
She's eating just once in the night (all the praise hands). She eats 7 times before I go to bed, for a total of 8 feedings in 24 hours. Her middle of the night feeding and her first feed of the day are my favorites. After I burp her, she squirm her way down to my chest and puts her head right under my chin and just settles in. I love it so much. I just sit and rock her for a little bit because as I said, babies don't keep.
This last month has been a mixed bag of emotions, and I'm going to do a 1 month postpartum post. Because my personal being over the last month has gone through all of the things. BUT! Adding Elliana to the family has been a joy! She is a joy! We all adore her, and we can't help but stare at her. She's been a tricky daytime sleeper that can definitely cause frustration, but when I end up holding her to make sure she gets some sleep, I look at her and wonder- Why was I getting frustrated?? (Um more on that later)
Our Ellie Bean- you are a treasure, and we love every tiny piece of you!
The amazing professional pictures were taken by Kiley Carpenter.
Elliana was born exactly 1 week before school started for both boys. We came home on a Wednesday evening and had exactly four days at home before the morning school rush started. It was a big adjustment for all of us to figure out. Little girl has spent far more time in her carseat than either of my other babies at this age. I take the "stay at home" mom part quite literally in the beginning in that I'm home A LOT. This time around has been different with school schedules to factor in.
Elliana has been a good eater from the beginning. She may have been a better eater in the first 2 weeks than recently. She can gasp and cough quite frequently if she starts gulping air and milk is coming too quickly for her. She's projectile vomited 4 times already, and I mean PROJECTILE vomited. She gets the hiccups more often than not after eating. I hope all of these issues get better as she gets bigger. She is already taking a bottle once a day because that is a very, very important skill for her to have, in my opinion.
This sweet girl gave us a little bit anxiety with some heart and lung issues in the hospital after delivery. We got discharged with instruction to watch her and a follow up cardiologist appointment two weeks later. It was an unsettling feeling at first to know that something could be wrong with our daughter's heart. But her cardiologist appointment confirmed what I believed to be true walking into that doctor's office- Elliana's heart is healthy! It was a huge relief for me, and I, again, felt deeply grateful. Not everyone walks out of there being told not to come back. I'm so thankful I won't be headed back to the Sibley Heart Group.
She's eating just once in the night (all the praise hands). She eats 7 times before I go to bed, for a total of 8 feedings in 24 hours. Her middle of the night feeding and her first feed of the day are my favorites. After I burp her, she squirm her way down to my chest and puts her head right under my chin and just settles in. I love it so much. I just sit and rock her for a little bit because as I said, babies don't keep.
This last month has been a mixed bag of emotions, and I'm going to do a 1 month postpartum post. Because my personal being over the last month has gone through all of the things. BUT! Adding Elliana to the family has been a joy! She is a joy! We all adore her, and we can't help but stare at her. She's been a tricky daytime sleeper that can definitely cause frustration, but when I end up holding her to make sure she gets some sleep, I look at her and wonder- Why was I getting frustrated?? (Um more on that later)
Our Ellie Bean- you are a treasure, and we love every tiny piece of you!
The amazing professional pictures were taken by Kiley Carpenter.
Saturday, August 17, 2019
Elliana Joy
I've been itching to get this written down since we came home from the hospital. But a newborn plus two boys accustomed to being on the go plus school starting all turned out to leave very little time to sit and be on my laptop. But I love having records of my babies' birth stories, so this might take a few different times sitting down to get it done, but it's happening.
Sunday, August 4th was Elliana's due date. I was pretty sure sweet thing was not coming early, but I had wanted Friday the 2nd. When she didn't come that day, I wanted her to wait until after the 4th because our old small group was doing a cookout, and I wanted to go. Sunday morning I woke up thankful that Elliana had make it all 40 weeks. And I really just wanted a family day. We decided not to go to church, and the four of us headed to Flying Biscuit for breakfast. I love going out for breakfast, and this felt like a great way to mark sweet girl's due date.
The rest of the day we just casually spent watching the baking show, and then I did some actual baking. The boys played. Adam worked in the garage. It was the Sunday I wanted. We went to the cookout with our friends that evening. At the very end, I started to think, "I'm having some discomfort, I wonder if labor is near." By the time we got into our neighborhood, I was having very mild contractions that may have been real or maybe just braxton hicks. They continued off and on that night while I was awake. Nothing big. Adam had no way of knowing when I was having one because nothing about my talking, breathing, posture, etc changed.
We went to bed wondering if middle of the night labor would start, but I wasn't convinced. I didn't sleep great. I even came downstairs around 2 because I knew I was having occasional real contractions and thought maybe I could spur labor on. But I quickly realized that it was too early. I got back in bed, and I would just wake up for a contraction, breathe through it, and then lay back down and fall asleep. Maybe two an hour worth sitting up for.
That morning I was still not convinced this was actually labor, so I insisted Adam go to work. A little before 10 I turned a 30 minute show on for the boys and got on the treadmill to see if I could intensify things. At this point, contractions were still a breeze and so, so spread out. The walking helped contractions start coming in 10 minute intervals. They were still totally manageable. Adam was checking in on my status all morning, and I was still telling him to stay at work at least through lunch.
At 11 I decided to start writing down when contractions were happening and how long they lasted. At this point, contractions were coming about every 5 minutes and lasting almost a full minute. At 11:30, I updated Adam, and he left work right away! I still felt like the contractions were too easy, but he didn't care. He raced out of the office at the insistence of literally everyone there. My mom headed towards the house to come get the boys around noon.
By the time Adam got home, contractions were the real deal. I was squatting through them or rolling on the exercise ball. The boys were certainly confused, and Nolan was downright nervous. He could not sit down to eat lunch. He was pacing the kitchen, asking me all the questions. He thought something was wrong every time I would go silent and squat, which at this point was every 4-5 minutes.
Adam was wanting to leave for the hospital immediately, but I honestly was not in as big of a rush. I still felt like l could have a ways to go, and I didn't want to be at the hospital in labor for a long time. But I also had made the decision days before that I was going to honor Adam in this process. He had his own traumatic experience with Nolan's birth, and he loved everything about Isaac's birth- controlled, peaceful, medicated basically the whole time because I was induced.
The drive to the hospital was miserable. I like to get through contractions on all fours, squatting or on the ball. Sitting in the front seat was awful. We thankfully got to the hospital with zero traffic complications, which for Atlanta, is kind of a miracle. We parked the car and gathered our stuff. Adam offered to drop me off, but I didn't want to do that. But the walk to the labor and delivery desk felt long! I tried to walk through contractions but often needed to stop and get through it. When we got to the desk, I would drop into a full squat for a contraction and then stand up to keep talking. The lady at the desk was hilarious. She called back and said she needed a nurse NOW! Since it was my third baby, she knew this could be quick!
When we got to the room they had me put the awful hospital gown on, and then they put the fetal heart monitor around me and put a monitor on me to track contractions. Being in active labor while in that hospital bed was so hard. I needed to be able to move, but every time I moved, they lost Elliana's heart beat. I was stuck in the bed! Contractions were coming fast!! I was 5cm upon arrival, and I knew things were moving. A contraction wouldn't even be over and another one would start.
I had decided in the car I would get an epidural. And we said that upon arrival to our labor and delivery room around 2:00. But they had to do blood work, and I needed a whole bag of fluids. It was a full two hours later, before I was laying in the bed with an epidural. At that point, I was 8cm dilated. The nurse continued to have a hard time keeping a good read on Elliana's heart rate, so I was laying down holding her monitor in place on my abdomen. When the nurse checked me at 5, I was complete and ready to go. My doctor wanted the pushing to be very minimal, so she took her time getting into the room. I wanted to push by 5:15, but we needed more nurses in the room. It was just me, Adam, and the doctor. The doctor called a nurse in and said, "This baby could come on her own. I need nurses in here!" At 5:30 it seemed like they would finally let me push. I pushed twice, and our precious baby girl was born at 5:38.
They put her on me right away, but they quickly realized her crying didn't sound right. She also looked almost purple. They called in a Care Team to work on Elliana, and my doctor tried to assure me that she was fine but just needed some TLC. They took her off my chest to do a deep suction on her lungs and put her on oxygen, and for the next hour they worked on Elliana to get her cry sounding right and her body temperature up. They put her back on my chest at one point to try to get her warm, but it wasn't working. So they took her back to the warmer and eventually wrapped what looked like a heating pad completely around her body.
Even though she was in the room with us the whole time, I had a very hard time seeing what as going on. And the Care Team was not narrating what they were doing to assure me that she was ok. I stayed pretty calm but also silently cried pretty much the whole hour wondering when they would let me hold her and if she really was ok. Adam stayed close to me the whole time, which I appreciated.
The Care Team was eventually satisfied with her stats, and they brought that tiny baby girl back to me to hold. I held her little body and tried to take in every detail of her perfect face and breathe in her newborn goodness. Elliana Joy Tomberlin was here!
The name Elliana means, "God has answered." And in many ways, we needed faith throughout the whole pregnancy that God really was answering our hearts' longings for another Tomberlin. Our belief may have been fragile at times, but we did believe God was answering us. We didn't necessarily know what it would look like, but God answered with deep, profound joy in our daughter.
Sunday, August 4th was Elliana's due date. I was pretty sure sweet thing was not coming early, but I had wanted Friday the 2nd. When she didn't come that day, I wanted her to wait until after the 4th because our old small group was doing a cookout, and I wanted to go. Sunday morning I woke up thankful that Elliana had make it all 40 weeks. And I really just wanted a family day. We decided not to go to church, and the four of us headed to Flying Biscuit for breakfast. I love going out for breakfast, and this felt like a great way to mark sweet girl's due date.
The rest of the day we just casually spent watching the baking show, and then I did some actual baking. The boys played. Adam worked in the garage. It was the Sunday I wanted. We went to the cookout with our friends that evening. At the very end, I started to think, "I'm having some discomfort, I wonder if labor is near." By the time we got into our neighborhood, I was having very mild contractions that may have been real or maybe just braxton hicks. They continued off and on that night while I was awake. Nothing big. Adam had no way of knowing when I was having one because nothing about my talking, breathing, posture, etc changed.
We went to bed wondering if middle of the night labor would start, but I wasn't convinced. I didn't sleep great. I even came downstairs around 2 because I knew I was having occasional real contractions and thought maybe I could spur labor on. But I quickly realized that it was too early. I got back in bed, and I would just wake up for a contraction, breathe through it, and then lay back down and fall asleep. Maybe two an hour worth sitting up for.
That morning I was still not convinced this was actually labor, so I insisted Adam go to work. A little before 10 I turned a 30 minute show on for the boys and got on the treadmill to see if I could intensify things. At this point, contractions were still a breeze and so, so spread out. The walking helped contractions start coming in 10 minute intervals. They were still totally manageable. Adam was checking in on my status all morning, and I was still telling him to stay at work at least through lunch.
At 11 I decided to start writing down when contractions were happening and how long they lasted. At this point, contractions were coming about every 5 minutes and lasting almost a full minute. At 11:30, I updated Adam, and he left work right away! I still felt like the contractions were too easy, but he didn't care. He raced out of the office at the insistence of literally everyone there. My mom headed towards the house to come get the boys around noon.
By the time Adam got home, contractions were the real deal. I was squatting through them or rolling on the exercise ball. The boys were certainly confused, and Nolan was downright nervous. He could not sit down to eat lunch. He was pacing the kitchen, asking me all the questions. He thought something was wrong every time I would go silent and squat, which at this point was every 4-5 minutes.
Adam was wanting to leave for the hospital immediately, but I honestly was not in as big of a rush. I still felt like l could have a ways to go, and I didn't want to be at the hospital in labor for a long time. But I also had made the decision days before that I was going to honor Adam in this process. He had his own traumatic experience with Nolan's birth, and he loved everything about Isaac's birth- controlled, peaceful, medicated basically the whole time because I was induced.
The drive to the hospital was miserable. I like to get through contractions on all fours, squatting or on the ball. Sitting in the front seat was awful. We thankfully got to the hospital with zero traffic complications, which for Atlanta, is kind of a miracle. We parked the car and gathered our stuff. Adam offered to drop me off, but I didn't want to do that. But the walk to the labor and delivery desk felt long! I tried to walk through contractions but often needed to stop and get through it. When we got to the desk, I would drop into a full squat for a contraction and then stand up to keep talking. The lady at the desk was hilarious. She called back and said she needed a nurse NOW! Since it was my third baby, she knew this could be quick!
When we got to the room they had me put the awful hospital gown on, and then they put the fetal heart monitor around me and put a monitor on me to track contractions. Being in active labor while in that hospital bed was so hard. I needed to be able to move, but every time I moved, they lost Elliana's heart beat. I was stuck in the bed! Contractions were coming fast!! I was 5cm upon arrival, and I knew things were moving. A contraction wouldn't even be over and another one would start.
I had decided in the car I would get an epidural. And we said that upon arrival to our labor and delivery room around 2:00. But they had to do blood work, and I needed a whole bag of fluids. It was a full two hours later, before I was laying in the bed with an epidural. At that point, I was 8cm dilated. The nurse continued to have a hard time keeping a good read on Elliana's heart rate, so I was laying down holding her monitor in place on my abdomen. When the nurse checked me at 5, I was complete and ready to go. My doctor wanted the pushing to be very minimal, so she took her time getting into the room. I wanted to push by 5:15, but we needed more nurses in the room. It was just me, Adam, and the doctor. The doctor called a nurse in and said, "This baby could come on her own. I need nurses in here!" At 5:30 it seemed like they would finally let me push. I pushed twice, and our precious baby girl was born at 5:38.
They put her on me right away, but they quickly realized her crying didn't sound right. She also looked almost purple. They called in a Care Team to work on Elliana, and my doctor tried to assure me that she was fine but just needed some TLC. They took her off my chest to do a deep suction on her lungs and put her on oxygen, and for the next hour they worked on Elliana to get her cry sounding right and her body temperature up. They put her back on my chest at one point to try to get her warm, but it wasn't working. So they took her back to the warmer and eventually wrapped what looked like a heating pad completely around her body.
Even though she was in the room with us the whole time, I had a very hard time seeing what as going on. And the Care Team was not narrating what they were doing to assure me that she was ok. I stayed pretty calm but also silently cried pretty much the whole hour wondering when they would let me hold her and if she really was ok. Adam stayed close to me the whole time, which I appreciated.
The Care Team was eventually satisfied with her stats, and they brought that tiny baby girl back to me to hold. I held her little body and tried to take in every detail of her perfect face and breathe in her newborn goodness. Elliana Joy Tomberlin was here!
The name Elliana means, "God has answered." And in many ways, we needed faith throughout the whole pregnancy that God really was answering our hearts' longings for another Tomberlin. Our belief may have been fragile at times, but we did believe God was answering us. We didn't necessarily know what it would look like, but God answered with deep, profound joy in our daughter.
Friday, July 26, 2019
My Big 6 Year Old
Nolan,
You turned six years old last week. I thought it was weird last year when you got to start holding up a whole hand to show people how old you were, but now you need two hands. Two hands to hold up enough fingers to represent how old you are!
I feel no sadness about this. I mean, when I look at pictures of you as a baby or young toddler, I quickly dissolve into a puddle. But I feel excited for you that you are six years old. You will be starting kindergarten in just over two weeks. You'll become big brother to one more in less time than that (please, Lord Jesus, let it be so). Shockingly, in this stage of late pregnancy, I'm not grieving your growth. I'm excited for you.
You are changing and growing so much right in front of me. You are coming into your own person more and more, and that person can be downright exasperating. But there's a small part of me that is so thankful that you are strong-willed and head strong. I don't have to wonder what you really like or what you're thinking. You let us know. You are quick to defend what you think is right, and you do not back down, even when it's obvious that you are wrong. These things about you can make me absolutely crazy, but I do know deep down, when you mature and hopefully grow in Christ, these could be such valuable traits. Your tenacity in sticking to your guns, that could be amazing! Right now, it brings me to my knees and sometimes makes me hide in the bathroom to eat a piece of very dark chocolate.
Today was your final day of sports camp, your very first week of morning sports camp. Your name was called, signaling you that I was there to pick you up, and you came racing towards me with a big grin on your face. I'm confident the grin was your eagerness to tell me everything you did that day, but I admit I had tears spring to my eyes very suddenly. And it was for no other reason than I just love you so much. And watching your curls bounce as you ran with your lunchbox and water bottle, I just couldn't help but smile (and tear up) and wait for your hug at the end of that sprint.
Gosh, you are a gift. You are so uniquely created and gifted, and I often wonder if I'm doing a good enough job helping you lean into your strengths as opposed to working on your weaknesses. I think it's something we'll be working on and arguing about for years to come. I'm grateful that God entrusted you to me and Daddy, and I'm praying this year your interest in the Bible and who God is continues to grow and grow. And hopefully over time, your heart becomes fully His.
I love you. I like you. I enjoy you. And I'm proud of you!
Love you, Buddy!
Mommy
You turned six years old last week. I thought it was weird last year when you got to start holding up a whole hand to show people how old you were, but now you need two hands. Two hands to hold up enough fingers to represent how old you are!
I feel no sadness about this. I mean, when I look at pictures of you as a baby or young toddler, I quickly dissolve into a puddle. But I feel excited for you that you are six years old. You will be starting kindergarten in just over two weeks. You'll become big brother to one more in less time than that (please, Lord Jesus, let it be so). Shockingly, in this stage of late pregnancy, I'm not grieving your growth. I'm excited for you.
You are changing and growing so much right in front of me. You are coming into your own person more and more, and that person can be downright exasperating. But there's a small part of me that is so thankful that you are strong-willed and head strong. I don't have to wonder what you really like or what you're thinking. You let us know. You are quick to defend what you think is right, and you do not back down, even when it's obvious that you are wrong. These things about you can make me absolutely crazy, but I do know deep down, when you mature and hopefully grow in Christ, these could be such valuable traits. Your tenacity in sticking to your guns, that could be amazing! Right now, it brings me to my knees and sometimes makes me hide in the bathroom to eat a piece of very dark chocolate.
Today was your final day of sports camp, your very first week of morning sports camp. Your name was called, signaling you that I was there to pick you up, and you came racing towards me with a big grin on your face. I'm confident the grin was your eagerness to tell me everything you did that day, but I admit I had tears spring to my eyes very suddenly. And it was for no other reason than I just love you so much. And watching your curls bounce as you ran with your lunchbox and water bottle, I just couldn't help but smile (and tear up) and wait for your hug at the end of that sprint.
Gosh, you are a gift. You are so uniquely created and gifted, and I often wonder if I'm doing a good enough job helping you lean into your strengths as opposed to working on your weaknesses. I think it's something we'll be working on and arguing about for years to come. I'm grateful that God entrusted you to me and Daddy, and I'm praying this year your interest in the Bible and who God is continues to grow and grow. And hopefully over time, your heart becomes fully His.
I love you. I like you. I enjoy you. And I'm proud of you!
Love you, Buddy!
Mommy
S I X years old!
The boy who made me a Mama is six years old. Headed off to Kindergarten. Crazy! I've been reflecting on how doing something for 6 years should gird you with a certain amount of confidence in what you're doing. Not in parenting. Not for me at least. This kid keeps me oh so very humble. I do have compassion for him as the first child. So many mistakes have been made already when it comes to how we parent, and we keep learning on Nolan, and then doing a potentially better job with Isaac.
Nolan still loves animals! He wanted a tiger cake for his birthday. He loves to read books and watch documentaries and shows about animals. He soaks up the animals facts like a sponge, and then he happily recalls them anytime, anywhere. He loves animals! As of right now, he says he wants to be a dolphin trainer one day.
Nolan finished Pre-K in May. He went to school 3 days a week, and he loved it. He loved doing worksheets and going to Spanish once a week. He was in class without his buddy this year, and I was shocked at how well he handled the uncertainty of not knowing anyone in his class. He of course made all sorts of friends throughout the year, and he always looked forward to his school days.
Nolan really is quite the athlete, and he's very interested in sports. He loves the Georgia Bulldogs and the Atlanta Falcons, but realistically, he'll happily watch just about any football game. He played basketball on a team for the first time. He really liked it, though it didn't come quite as naturally as soccer did. Once the season ended, he continued practicing his shot and still really, really enjoys playing Horse. He played soccer in the spring, and the most frequent comment made by onlookers, "He is so fast!" He really is so, so fast!
Nolan is also quite the puzzler! He enjoys doing puzzles and will happily work at one until he gets it. And then he doesn't mind doing the same puzzle over and over. It's a good inside activity for him, and I hope he continues to enjoy the challenge of putting together a puzzle.
Nolan really does enjoy the outdoors and enjoys adventure. He likes climbing trees and rocks. He loves to explore areas, and I love this about him. I want him to enjoy being in nature and be in awe of what God has made. I've said for a couple of years that it's easiest to enjoy Nolan when we're outside exploring and adventuring. He just turns into a happier kid.
Nolan really does enjoy pushing boundaries and arguing. Adam will often say, "I can't wait for you to pay for our vacations with your loads of money from being an attorney!" He can be so hard headed, but I have to hope and pray that we will one day see what a good thing it can be to stand firm in what is right. I'd love for him to have strong convictions about what is right and wrong and be willing to relentlessly stand by those beliefs. It takes a lot of patience (not my strength) to train him to state his opinion in a respectful way. We've got a lot of work to do, but I do want him to know that I think it's great that he knows what he thinks is right. We just need to work on the delivery of those opinions.
Nolan is a piece of work (aren't we all!), and I'm continually humbled by how much work I am still in need of. There's something about this kid that exposes the flesh in my own heart over and over and over. I do a lot of apologizing and asking for forgiveness when I just get it so wrong. I'm so thankful for this boy and can't wait to see him with his baby sister any day now. His smile still melts me, and I love watching him grow. I have less and less sadness about him getting bigger and older. I love seeing who he is becoming!
Saturday, July 6, 2019
The Three Musketeers
For the last four years, it's been me and the boys doing life day in and day out. Some days have been really hard, and some days have been kinda magical. But most days are both. The days are filled with moments that are entirely forgettable (please!!), and then there are moments that feel worth all the hard. Honestly, I've felt that lately that balance is tipped not the way I want.
In the last couple of months, I've tried to be intentional with our time. Especially when school was in, and I only had Nolan home two days a week. I knew that I wanted to fight for moments and experiences with them that they will likely never remember. But I might. And I know these experiences and togetherness won't necessarily make for concrete memories that they are able to recall, but I hope it evokes a feeling of belonging together.
In a couple of years, I don't think Nolan and Isaac will remember the day we skipped Bible Study to go hike Sope Creek. But I hope the fact that I thought Nolan was brave enough to climb the hugest rock there gives him a tiny bit of lasting confidence that he CAN do hard things. And the fact that I stayed with Isaac throwing rock after rock after rock ensures him that I am interested in what he's interested in.
I don't think they'll remember the time we walked allllll of Leita Thompson with Mommy's big belly and had our picnic lunch on the lawn, praising ourselves for going the distance. But it might be a part of them believing that it's more fun and easier to do things together. Walking up those hills didn't seem quite as daunting, since we talked and laughed and Ispy-ed our way through it.
There's big changes coming for these Three Musketeers. I'm thankful for the last 6 years when being Mama to my crew first started. I can't believe I get to start over with another little one soon.
Baby Girl, we cannot wait to meet you!! But while we wait, we're going to go out with a bang being the Three Musketeers!
In the last couple of months, I've tried to be intentional with our time. Especially when school was in, and I only had Nolan home two days a week. I knew that I wanted to fight for moments and experiences with them that they will likely never remember. But I might. And I know these experiences and togetherness won't necessarily make for concrete memories that they are able to recall, but I hope it evokes a feeling of belonging together.
In a couple of years, I don't think Nolan and Isaac will remember the day we skipped Bible Study to go hike Sope Creek. But I hope the fact that I thought Nolan was brave enough to climb the hugest rock there gives him a tiny bit of lasting confidence that he CAN do hard things. And the fact that I stayed with Isaac throwing rock after rock after rock ensures him that I am interested in what he's interested in.
I don't think they'll remember the time we walked allllll of Leita Thompson with Mommy's big belly and had our picnic lunch on the lawn, praising ourselves for going the distance. But it might be a part of them believing that it's more fun and easier to do things together. Walking up those hills didn't seem quite as daunting, since we talked and laughed and Ispy-ed our way through it.
Gosh, in a few years, they might not be as eager to make their Daddy's birthday cake with me. But this year, they wanted every bit a part of celebrating our favorite guy. And the cake took approximately 12 times longer to finish with their "help," but it was worth it. Because us Tomberlins think celebrating the people we love is always a good idea. And this core value of ours must be learned. And I'm trusting they are learning as we do it together. But I don't think it's a memory that will stick out in their minds. They'll just know that we celebrate birthdays and love to make people feel special.
Now, I think they might remember the time we road tripped to see Daddy only because it started this delightful experience called Gas Station Treats. I let them get out and pick a treat from the gas station store after driving non-stop for four hours (impressive in my opinion- for the 4 and 5 year old AND the very pregnant Mommy). We really made a trip of it, going to see Adam's sister after our weekend with him, and Nolan exclaimed, "Mommy and the boys! We do it all together!" And I smiled, knowing these days are numbered. These days of just Mommy and the boys will be coming to a quick end, and it probably won't take long before we can't imagine life without our baby girl.
These years have been filled with a lot of hard, too. I feel overwhelmingly discouraged many days with just how short I fall. I get so frustrated with the fighting, the provoking, and the whining. I have said desperately many times, "I just want to enjoy them!!" But the correcting can feel so consuming. In a microwave world that often lends itself to immediate results, parenting is nothing like that. Days and weeks and months of correcting over and over with little to no fruit can lead to despair if there is no hope that only the Holy Spirit can change hearts. So, I keep showing up, failing so often. Like all of the good times I know they'll forget, I hope they also will forget my moments of impatience, anger, and selfishness.
Today I was in the kitchen cleaning up lunch, and they were in one of the front rooms coloring. They both were clearly quite impressed with their work, and they started saying, "I can't wait to show Mommy. She's going to be AMAZED!" I smiled at this, too. I am well aware that I do a lot wrong, but their confidence in my reaction to their coloring was encouraging.
We are in the final month before Baby Nemo is due, and I'm wanting to squeeze out the goodness of these days. They won't remember it all, and Lord knows my memory fails me all the time. But the picnic lunches in the backyard just because, the books on the couch, the teamwork in the kitchen, the hours in the car- I hope and pray these moments are like building blocks. That we're laying a foundation that will forever impact them.
There's big changes coming for these Three Musketeers. I'm thankful for the last 6 years when being Mama to my crew first started. I can't believe I get to start over with another little one soon.
Baby Girl, we cannot wait to meet you!! But while we wait, we're going to go out with a bang being the Three Musketeers!
Tuesday, May 21, 2019
Because I Said I Wouldn't Be A Month Late
Typically for my kiddos' birthdays I do a letter to them and a picture recap of the year. The letter is more important to me, so I was sure to get Isaac's done in a reasonable time. It was still over a week late. But I've just been dragging my feet to get the recap done. But it WON'T be a month overdue.
Isaac Dean is 4. This past school year, Nolan had school three days a week. So, Isaac and I had 3 days together. He was seriously the best little errand buddy and independent player on those days. I tried to do something most days that he wanted to do (like a puzzle or swing, etc), but realistically that didn't always happen. But I loved my time with just Isaac.
Isaac showed signs of being a little more independent and a little more brave. I'd say he still has a preference for mom, but he is definitely growing out of the Mama's boy phase. He participated in Lighthouse talent shows without tears, and that was kind of a big deal! He initiates conversation and play with kids he doesn't know on the playground, and he is confident enough to walk up to an adult and introduce himself. I love this about him!
Isaac is my little sous chef in the making! He LOVES to bake with me, and he will happily drag his chair over to the island to be a part of whatever I'm making. He likes to pull all of the things out of the drawer, but I typically don't mind. He's actually getting pretty good about understanding dry ingredients, wet ingredients, etc. I love doing this with him. I admit that there are times when he really slows me down, and it does annoy me. But 9 times out of 10, I love it!
Isaac's interest in sports has increased this year. He loves watching football, and he got better at keeping up with his brother during flag football games. Isaac has heard pretty much his whole life how fast Nolan is. But he's had to fight to keep up with his big brother, and now he is finally get to hear people say that HE is fast. Isaac played soccer for the first time this spring, and he was the fastest and most aggressive player on his team. Nolan sure did train him well.
Isaac really is so easy to love. He's still sweet and tender. He is SO excited that we have a baby sister coming. He will lovingly put his head on my ever growing belly and kiss it. He cannot wait to meet her, and it really does bring me so much delight to think about him being a big brother to her. He wants to hold her and help, and I plan on utilizing him. Isaac loves all babies and enjoys our friends' babies. I'm thinking his transition to middle child will be hardest on me- not him.
I can't believe Isaac is four. He is starting school in August, and it just doesn't seem possible. I'm thankful that he still chooses to hold my hand. He tells me without prompting quite often that he loves me. And he is just an easy going little boy. But he is definitely switching over to a big boy. I looked at him for some time at the dinner table recently, and I could see less and less of toddler Isaac.
I'm thankful that discipling and training three year old Isaac wasn't quite as brutal as three year old Nolan. But you can't help but wonder if it's coming this year.
I love being this boy's Mama, and I'm so glad he's a Tomberlin!
Isaac Dean is 4. This past school year, Nolan had school three days a week. So, Isaac and I had 3 days together. He was seriously the best little errand buddy and independent player on those days. I tried to do something most days that he wanted to do (like a puzzle or swing, etc), but realistically that didn't always happen. But I loved my time with just Isaac.
Isaac showed signs of being a little more independent and a little more brave. I'd say he still has a preference for mom, but he is definitely growing out of the Mama's boy phase. He participated in Lighthouse talent shows without tears, and that was kind of a big deal! He initiates conversation and play with kids he doesn't know on the playground, and he is confident enough to walk up to an adult and introduce himself. I love this about him!
Isaac is my little sous chef in the making! He LOVES to bake with me, and he will happily drag his chair over to the island to be a part of whatever I'm making. He likes to pull all of the things out of the drawer, but I typically don't mind. He's actually getting pretty good about understanding dry ingredients, wet ingredients, etc. I love doing this with him. I admit that there are times when he really slows me down, and it does annoy me. But 9 times out of 10, I love it!
Isaac's interest in sports has increased this year. He loves watching football, and he got better at keeping up with his brother during flag football games. Isaac has heard pretty much his whole life how fast Nolan is. But he's had to fight to keep up with his big brother, and now he is finally get to hear people say that HE is fast. Isaac played soccer for the first time this spring, and he was the fastest and most aggressive player on his team. Nolan sure did train him well.
Isaac really is so easy to love. He's still sweet and tender. He is SO excited that we have a baby sister coming. He will lovingly put his head on my ever growing belly and kiss it. He cannot wait to meet her, and it really does bring me so much delight to think about him being a big brother to her. He wants to hold her and help, and I plan on utilizing him. Isaac loves all babies and enjoys our friends' babies. I'm thinking his transition to middle child will be hardest on me- not him.
I can't believe Isaac is four. He is starting school in August, and it just doesn't seem possible. I'm thankful that he still chooses to hold my hand. He tells me without prompting quite often that he loves me. And he is just an easy going little boy. But he is definitely switching over to a big boy. I looked at him for some time at the dinner table recently, and I could see less and less of toddler Isaac.
I'm thankful that discipling and training three year old Isaac wasn't quite as brutal as three year old Nolan. But you can't help but wonder if it's coming this year.
I love being this boy's Mama, and I'm so glad he's a Tomberlin!
Sunday, May 5, 2019
Happy Birthday, Isaac Boy
Oh Isaac Dean!
How are you four??
It doesn't seem possible. Didn't we just breathe a big sigh of relief after you were born?
But you are so quick to remind me that you are in fact four years old! I've loved every bit of being your Mama, and I'm so grateful God placed you in our family right when He did.
You have such a tender heart, but you can be a tough little dude when you want to be. You are not one to be outdone by your big brother, and you love keeping up with everything he does. But there is a sweetness to you that just hasn't faded, and I can't help but wonder if this is just part of who you are.
You LOVE babies, and you think every single one of them is the cutest ever. I cannot wait to see you with your sister. Just the other day you told me you couldn't wait for her to be here because you want to pet her. And you also said that if she doesn't like when you hold her, you'll give her back to me. Oh Isaac, how could she not like you? She will adore you. We all do. I will love watching you be big brother to her.
This year you have become a little more brave, a little more daring. And it's been so fun to watch. I do enjoy when your eyes scan for me, looking for my reassurance that you actually CAN do whatever you are about to attempt. I know one day, it won't be me your eyes are scanning for. I love being your biggest fan and loudest cheerleader. So for these numbered days, I treasure being your biggest confidence boost.
Isaac, you are a joy and a delight. You are headed to preschool at the end of the summer, and I can hardly believe just like that I've lost my time at home with just you. While I'm confident you will love school and obviously your teachers will love you, I will miss your companionship, your impromptu "I love you" declarations, your ease of going with the flow, and your little hand that sometimes still reaches up for mine even when I know you no longer need it. But you choose it.
I love you, big four year old. I love you. I like you. I enjoy you. And I'm proud of you.
Happy 4th Birthday!
Love,
Mommy
How are you four??
It doesn't seem possible. Didn't we just breathe a big sigh of relief after you were born?
But you are so quick to remind me that you are in fact four years old! I've loved every bit of being your Mama, and I'm so grateful God placed you in our family right when He did.
You have such a tender heart, but you can be a tough little dude when you want to be. You are not one to be outdone by your big brother, and you love keeping up with everything he does. But there is a sweetness to you that just hasn't faded, and I can't help but wonder if this is just part of who you are.
You LOVE babies, and you think every single one of them is the cutest ever. I cannot wait to see you with your sister. Just the other day you told me you couldn't wait for her to be here because you want to pet her. And you also said that if she doesn't like when you hold her, you'll give her back to me. Oh Isaac, how could she not like you? She will adore you. We all do. I will love watching you be big brother to her.
This year you have become a little more brave, a little more daring. And it's been so fun to watch. I do enjoy when your eyes scan for me, looking for my reassurance that you actually CAN do whatever you are about to attempt. I know one day, it won't be me your eyes are scanning for. I love being your biggest fan and loudest cheerleader. So for these numbered days, I treasure being your biggest confidence boost.
Isaac, you are a joy and a delight. You are headed to preschool at the end of the summer, and I can hardly believe just like that I've lost my time at home with just you. While I'm confident you will love school and obviously your teachers will love you, I will miss your companionship, your impromptu "I love you" declarations, your ease of going with the flow, and your little hand that sometimes still reaches up for mine even when I know you no longer need it. But you choose it.
I love you, big four year old. I love you. I like you. I enjoy you. And I'm proud of you.
Happy 4th Birthday!
Love,
Mommy
Thursday, March 7, 2019
Sweet Baby Nemo
Before too much time passes, I wanted to be sure to make a note of the sweetness that has been sharing the news of our baby with Nolan and Isaac.
I had a check-up on Valentine's Day. At that point I was 15.5 weeks pregnant, but we still had not told the boys, wanting just one more confirmation that baby was alive and well in there. Our plan was to tell them that night.
We had breakfast for dinner, a family favorite around here. Like we did last year, we sent them each on their own scavenger hunts to find their Valentine from us (a book). We brought them downstairs, and told them we had 1 more surprise and gave each of them a small wrapped package. Inside they each found a Falcons onesie. Confused by how small their new gear was, we told them that those onesies were actually for the baby growing in Mommy's tummy.
Isaac gasped and walked immediately over to my stomach, wanting to see the baby. There were lots of questions and general excitement, and they were all in all very tender and sweet about the fact that there's a baby joining our family. Picturing those two big boys coming to the hospital to see their baby brother or sister about did me in. I continue to hang in this balance of asking the Lord for a healthy baby and knowing His will is not always (rarely?) my will, but it IS always best.
After we enjoyed the news of a baby coming, we let the boys watch Finding Nemo, their favorite Valentine's Day treat of all. And pretty much since then, Adam and I have been calling the baby Nemo.
In the weeks that have followed, there has not been a day that has gone by without those little boys praying for the baby growing in my belly. When we first get in the car each day we always pray together. I pray for everyone in the family, and then everyone gets to pick someone to pray for. Nolan has picked the baby every.single.day. And Isaac has also picked the baby probably 90% of the time (and the times he didn't, he chose Sammy).
On Mondays we check to see what size the baby is and wonder out loud what that baby is doing in there. I can feel the baby move, but no one else can yet. They are VERY eager for their turn. My belly is certainly looking pregnant now, and both of them will walk up and just stare at it. Yesterday the boys caught the tail end of my workout, and Isaac asked, "Is the baby doing that, too??"
While I imagine there are some struggles to come with having a bigger gap between Isaac and this next one, them being older and able to better understand what's going on has been very sweet to be a part of. When Nolan wasn't even two, he did not care one bit about brother on the way except for all the ways Isaac disrupted his lap space as my belly got bigger and bigger.
Next week we get to find out if it is a brother or a sister in there. I'm thankful that I'm 100% confident that they will be happy with either. Just like their mom and dad.
I had a check-up on Valentine's Day. At that point I was 15.5 weeks pregnant, but we still had not told the boys, wanting just one more confirmation that baby was alive and well in there. Our plan was to tell them that night.
We had breakfast for dinner, a family favorite around here. Like we did last year, we sent them each on their own scavenger hunts to find their Valentine from us (a book). We brought them downstairs, and told them we had 1 more surprise and gave each of them a small wrapped package. Inside they each found a Falcons onesie. Confused by how small their new gear was, we told them that those onesies were actually for the baby growing in Mommy's tummy.
Isaac gasped and walked immediately over to my stomach, wanting to see the baby. There were lots of questions and general excitement, and they were all in all very tender and sweet about the fact that there's a baby joining our family. Picturing those two big boys coming to the hospital to see their baby brother or sister about did me in. I continue to hang in this balance of asking the Lord for a healthy baby and knowing His will is not always (rarely?) my will, but it IS always best.
After we enjoyed the news of a baby coming, we let the boys watch Finding Nemo, their favorite Valentine's Day treat of all. And pretty much since then, Adam and I have been calling the baby Nemo.
In the weeks that have followed, there has not been a day that has gone by without those little boys praying for the baby growing in my belly. When we first get in the car each day we always pray together. I pray for everyone in the family, and then everyone gets to pick someone to pray for. Nolan has picked the baby every.single.day. And Isaac has also picked the baby probably 90% of the time (and the times he didn't, he chose Sammy).
On Mondays we check to see what size the baby is and wonder out loud what that baby is doing in there. I can feel the baby move, but no one else can yet. They are VERY eager for their turn. My belly is certainly looking pregnant now, and both of them will walk up and just stare at it. Yesterday the boys caught the tail end of my workout, and Isaac asked, "Is the baby doing that, too??"
While I imagine there are some struggles to come with having a bigger gap between Isaac and this next one, them being older and able to better understand what's going on has been very sweet to be a part of. When Nolan wasn't even two, he did not care one bit about brother on the way except for all the ways Isaac disrupted his lap space as my belly got bigger and bigger.
Next week we get to find out if it is a brother or a sister in there. I'm thankful that I'm 100% confident that they will be happy with either. Just like their mom and dad.
Monday, February 4, 2019
Another One
Another due date came and went for me.
Friday, February 1 would've been the target date for the second Tomberlin baby we lost.
This one felt so different than the first. The morning of August 12th, I sat in my chair where I do quiet time, and I could just so clearly imagine that baby wrapped up in a hospital blanket with a little hat on. I could really picture in my mind her sweet tiny face [I don't know the baby was a girl, but that's what my instinct was]. But there was something tender and precious about picturing that baby girl.
This time around, I looked back on the last nine months and felt like the sting of death was much stronger. There was a path of destruction like you see after a tornado. There was no sweetness to picturing a baby I won't meet until heaven because I never really even got to get excited about that one. Before I ever got pregnant, my gut was that I would lose another one. Maybe it was fear. Maybe it wasn't. While I viewed every day I carried that little one as a gift, my mind didn't make the shift like with the first one. There was a sense of uncertainty from the first moment.
In the wake of that loss, I've faced months of stomach pain and digestion problems. Adam and I struggled in our relationship and understanding of each other. And for months, issues went unaddressed and festered in our hearts.
So waking up on February 1, I felt heavy hearted. Again. I grieved not just the loss, but also everything that death has touched since then.
Now, God did do and has done and is continuing to do such worthwhile work in our hearts, I'm grateful to the core of my being. Every single bit of this story is grace.
And today, I am 14 weeks pregnant with another baby.
There is once again life growing in my womb. This baby has already been a FORCE in our lives, quite literally bringing us to our knees, and God is using this little one to break places in our hearts that needed to be broken that we might experience the fullness of Him.
Throughout the day on February 1, I couldn't help but wonder at times if I would be adding another empty due date to the list- August 4th. I'm in a really unfortunate in between stage of no longer feeling the grossness of the first trimester, but I also can't feel the baby move. Even today I thought to myself, "Do I even feel pregnant at all?"
The day and evening of our anniversary, I was 7 weeks pregnant, and I started feeling cramps. For anyone that's had a miscarriage, this can be a terrifying and familiar feeling. I tried to ignore them, pray through them. As I was getting ready to shower before a date with Adam, I clutched my abdomen, choked back the tears, and pleaded with God for life. I asked God for faith to believe because I was so fragile.
While I'm not that fragile now, I still know there are no guarantees. I don't know that I'm bringing a baby home from the hospital in August. My friend got me a onesie that has a rainbow on it, and it says "Tiny Miracle." And I so badly want to believe I'll get to put that on my baby, but I've seen the reality that God's ways are not mine.
But I know He can be trusted regardless.
I'm praying this next due date is full of hope and joy and maybe some labor pains.
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