I went back to read something on here 2 days ago, and I came across my end of year posts for 2015 and 2016. I didn't think I'd get this done before crossing over to 2018, but here it goes.
I confess that we are ending this year feeling heavy hearted, and I hope I do good job recapping the year.
Lighthouse- Adam got a new job in February. We entered into the world of Lighthouse Family Retreats. This non-profit organization serves families that are living through childhood cancer. We served on our first trip in April, and I loved it! I loved serving with Adam. I loved that our kids were so young and getting immersed in a week of putting others first. I LOVE the people Adam works with. This new job did bring a lot of travel. Our summer was a blur because Adam was in and out so much. But all in all, I'm so very thankful that Lighthouse became a part of our lives.
Church- This year of church has been so, so hard. There was a significant transition that occurred in January, and we're still struggling through all of it. We clung hard to our community group that we so dearly loved, and it eventually dissolved by August. We powered through, adding new couples to what was left of our group. But it's just been a continual challenge. I look back on my posts the last 2 years about how significant our involvement in church and community group has been, and it makes sense that this element of our 2017 felt so hard.
Fostering- Oh boy! This could be an entire post. We spent the first half of 2017 doing all the training, paperwork, and leg work to get licensed and approved to be a foster family. That felt like an all out sprint. And then July 31st we got our first placement. And he came into our lives like a wrecking ball!! I remember being in a mental fog the first month of the placement trying to keep up with the rules, the appointments, the phone calls. Oh my goodness! We did in fact settle in, as did our little guy. But he has been a FORCE of refinement in our lives. Nothing has shed light on my own selfishness like fostering. Loving this little boy day in and day out has been hard. HARD. He can be so unbelievably easy going and just in a blink become irritable and agitated. But sometimes it hits like a freight train that I AM THIS KID'S MOM right now. He looks to me like I'm his mom. He's so young that I know I fill that role in his life. THAT is unbelievably humbling. You know who cheered on his first steps? Me. You know who is coaching him through his first words? Me. Do you know who he gets most excited to see? Me. And I am not a permanent mom in his life, and that literally brings me to tears. He's already lost his actual mom (for now), and pretty soon he's going to be transitioned into the foster home where his siblings are. He's going to lose me, too. It puts a pit in my stomach. But I say this over and over when discussing the hard parts of fostering- HE DESERVES TO HAVE SOMEONE DOING HARD THINGS ON HIS BEHALF. These kids need more people entering into the brokenness that is fostering.
Turning 30- I turned 30 this year, and I had ZERO ill feelings about this milestone. Literally zero. I turned thirty this year with an amazing husband, who I'm still crazy about. I have two very healthy boys that I get to stay home with. This is the life I want to be living. However. Despite repeated pleadings to my husband for there to be no surprise birthday party for me, HE planned a surprise birthday party for me. I knew it was coming. He wasn't all that sneaky or careful with the planning. And I remember telling him over and over, "I don't have a lot of friends. Please don't let a party happen!" I felt certain that a birthday party would expose the reality that I don't have a lot of friends. Well, sure enough, the party happened. And in the midst of it, I did feel insecure about who came. But I look back on the party so differently today. In the midst of the fostering struggle and some other heartaches, I've had a group of 4 ladies rally around me and carry me through some hard times. 3 out of 4 of those ladies were at my birthday party. And I think, "How lucky am I that I have friends that love me in the midst of my selfishness and step into sorrow with me!" I look back on my friends who drove 2 H O U R S to come celebrate my birthday and feel so loved. I have family who have been generous and selfless in their love towards me and my family. My brother and his family actually drove down JUST FOR MY PARTY. I have no doubts the enemy wanted to rob me of joy that day of my party. I was actually in the middle of a Bible study about exposing the enemy's schemes. I remember standing at my parent's sink during the party combating thoughts in my head that were not true. I'm so thankful that I get to look back on my surprise party with different eyes and be grateful for HOW RICHLY BLESSED I am by the people in my life.
Nolan- As hard as fostering has been, there's been so much good to come out of it. Nolan's steady love for our little boy has been incredible. One week I was feeling especially worn down from the all the demands of fostering, and Adam graciously let me take just Nolan and Isaac to the zoo. When I told them where we were going, there were squeals of glee. I told them it would just be the three of us, and without even skipping a beat, Nolan said, "Awww. I wish Sammy could come with us!" In Nolan's eyes, he is one of us. He belongs with us. And it's indescribable for me as a mom to watch him love Sammy so well and so freely. He has done so much better at this than Adam and I have. Nolan is so hospitable, and even so in his heart. He has no problem welcoming Sammy in, loving him for as long as he's going to be here. It's humbling.
6 years Married- and still loving every bit of it. This month, especially, we think about our marriage each year. And this particular year, I've never been more thankful for Adam. There have been some low, low moments this year, and he has held me through them. We have laughed lots and literally danced some nights away. He is my favorite. From May to October we went on literally 1 date together. That was a tough, tiring stretch. But I'm so thankful. SO THANKFUL that this is the man who chose me, and I chose him.
It's been a full year. I'm not sad to close this one out.
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Wednesday, November 1, 2017
The Exhaustion of Wrestling Flesh
For several weeks after my last post (which- how in the world was that over a month ago?), though things had majorly improved over here, I cannot explain the fatigue that was growing and growing. I'd find myself just collapsing at the end of the day. And some days I was so on edge emotionally, I would be fighting back tears about the silliest of things.
One Sunday, an adoptive Mama to 3 kids stopped me and asked how I was doing with our little guy. I looked at her and just said, "I'm so tired, and I don't know why." She looked right at me, and said, "Marissa, the love you are giving that little boy every single moment is a choice. It's different than your own kids. It's more sacrificial and requires more of you. It's tiring!" I stared at her in wonder.
Yes. YES! This did require more. It required more death to my flesh.
Just a few days later I was meeting with some ladies to pray together. As I drove home, I realized that this fatigue-- this fatigue was a spiritual fatigue. I have been wrestling my own flesh. This war of what Marissa wants as opposed to what I know God has called me to, it was wearing me down. And as I drove home, I felt relieved and thankful to be able to name this thing. And quite honestly, to wrestle with intentionality.
Prior to this lightbulb moment, I'd been really convicted to pay attention to what I was consuming in the down moments of my day. Did I turn a show on when I had an extra 30 minutes? Did I scroll social media just for the heck of it? What was I filling my well with? I started reading a lot more, and I read some really good books. And through these books, God started to do a work in my heart, turning me more and more towards Scripture.
As I realized the reason for much of my fatigue (I say much because let's be honest, I have 3 boys in this house 4 and under and that's just tiring), I started to pray into it. I started asking the Holy Spirit to illuminate these moments in my day when my flesh wanted one thing, and God demanded more. When Sammy is in a very grouchy mood for no reason- love is patient and not irritable (1 Corinthians 13). Boom. God, help me be patient in his grumpiness. The boys are arguing over ALL THE THINGS- a harsh word stirs up anger, but a gentle answer turns away wrath (Proverbs 15:1). Boom. God, help me be gentle and kind towards my children. Adam's gone AGAIN- He gives the Spirit without measure (John 3:34). Boom. God, sustain me with your Spirit that You give without measure.
I have Scripture to arm myself as I wrestle with my own flesh. Because this heart of mine? It's fickle. It's discouragingly so, so fickle. When my attitude towards Sammy rises and falls on his level of easiness, that's fickle, people! Jeremiah 17:9 says the heart is deceitful. I can't trust my feelings. I can trust Truth.
We've had our Sammy boy for 3 months now. We often laugh because it feels like so much longer. I sometimes want to protect my own pride when I tell people about the very real struggle that was the beginning of this placement. But I would rather choose to be grateful for God's kindness towards me as He draws me to Him. Adam and I both said we needed Sammy because God needed to just break us down. This fostering thing IS so hard. But I really am so thankful that God is using this time to create in me a longing to be hidden in Him.
While all of this is good, there are still days of just plain old exhaustion. And I fail at so much, so often. But God. That's it. But God. And this Mama says, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
One Sunday, an adoptive Mama to 3 kids stopped me and asked how I was doing with our little guy. I looked at her and just said, "I'm so tired, and I don't know why." She looked right at me, and said, "Marissa, the love you are giving that little boy every single moment is a choice. It's different than your own kids. It's more sacrificial and requires more of you. It's tiring!" I stared at her in wonder.
Yes. YES! This did require more. It required more death to my flesh.
Just a few days later I was meeting with some ladies to pray together. As I drove home, I realized that this fatigue-- this fatigue was a spiritual fatigue. I have been wrestling my own flesh. This war of what Marissa wants as opposed to what I know God has called me to, it was wearing me down. And as I drove home, I felt relieved and thankful to be able to name this thing. And quite honestly, to wrestle with intentionality.
Prior to this lightbulb moment, I'd been really convicted to pay attention to what I was consuming in the down moments of my day. Did I turn a show on when I had an extra 30 minutes? Did I scroll social media just for the heck of it? What was I filling my well with? I started reading a lot more, and I read some really good books. And through these books, God started to do a work in my heart, turning me more and more towards Scripture.
As I realized the reason for much of my fatigue (I say much because let's be honest, I have 3 boys in this house 4 and under and that's just tiring), I started to pray into it. I started asking the Holy Spirit to illuminate these moments in my day when my flesh wanted one thing, and God demanded more. When Sammy is in a very grouchy mood for no reason- love is patient and not irritable (1 Corinthians 13). Boom. God, help me be patient in his grumpiness. The boys are arguing over ALL THE THINGS- a harsh word stirs up anger, but a gentle answer turns away wrath (Proverbs 15:1). Boom. God, help me be gentle and kind towards my children. Adam's gone AGAIN- He gives the Spirit without measure (John 3:34). Boom. God, sustain me with your Spirit that You give without measure.
I have Scripture to arm myself as I wrestle with my own flesh. Because this heart of mine? It's fickle. It's discouragingly so, so fickle. When my attitude towards Sammy rises and falls on his level of easiness, that's fickle, people! Jeremiah 17:9 says the heart is deceitful. I can't trust my feelings. I can trust Truth.
We've had our Sammy boy for 3 months now. We often laugh because it feels like so much longer. I sometimes want to protect my own pride when I tell people about the very real struggle that was the beginning of this placement. But I would rather choose to be grateful for God's kindness towards me as He draws me to Him. Adam and I both said we needed Sammy because God needed to just break us down. This fostering thing IS so hard. But I really am so thankful that God is using this time to create in me a longing to be hidden in Him.
While all of this is good, there are still days of just plain old exhaustion. And I fail at so much, so often. But God. That's it. But God. And this Mama says, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Friday, September 22, 2017
Update: We ARE Making It
I have thought about taking down my last post about 70 times. The two people who read this both reached out to me about all of it. So, I realized if the 2 people who read this have already read it, it can stay up. When I go back and read it, I feel really insecure about being so negative and... whiney, really. BUT, as I said at the bottom, that was truly how I felt on that day. Getting all of that out did lead to a breakdown, but the breakdown was good and necessary. I felt like I was failing at everything. Mainly- running the home, being a good mom and foster parent, and my work at the church. It's like when you use a pressure cooker. The pressure builds and then stays at high pressure so everything can cook, and then you release the pressure and everything inside stops cooking.
A week and a half ago, the Tuesday after I wrote that post, we shared with our community group that we really felt like Sammy had turned a corner. The reality was, we turned the corner. Yes, he was sleeping better and had clearly settled in to the routine of the Tomberlins, but we also just accepted that a lot of what was hard about taking in Sammy was us needing to die to our self. The reality is that we know with about 99% certainty that Sammy will not become a Tomberlin. His mom is working her case plan. AND his dad's side of the family is trying to get custody of him right now. His days with us are numbered. And that's not hard for us like people always assume it is with fostering. We are still in the stage of wanting to grow our family, and since we know Sammy will not be a permanent member, it just feels hard. Because it's not what WE wanted. But I'm so, so confident that God knew what He was doing when this tiny guy got placed in our home. But we hoped for a newborn baby that came to be with us and never left.
Sweet Sammy clearly has some developmental delays. He's already shown so much progress since being with us for almost 2 months. Again, all credit to the boys. He's learning so much by watching them play and be crazy. But there are clearly some emotional and social delays as well. And those are far more impacting than the fact that he doesn't walk yet. It is so rare that we hear him laugh without working very, very hard for it. Nolan was playing with him on the floor yesterday, crawling and hiding. And Sammy genuinely laughed! Nolan looked up at me with sheer delight at the fact that he made Sammy laugh. I can get laughs out of him by tickling and flipping him around like a pancake (Nolan loves when I do that to Sammy). But this was different, and it was seriously so precious! Both sides- Nolan and Sammy! And at the exact same time, it's sad. It's sad that these moments stand out because they are so few and far between.
I've basically decided to give up. In a good way. I'm going to mentally give up nap time (Sammy has been sleeping in about 40 minute increments all week. No clue why!). I'm going to give up our plan for growing our family and trust that God is not blindsided by what's happening. I'm going to give up figuring Sammy out and just love him faithfully each day. I'm going to give up my agenda, keep saying YES to Jesus, and pray that I can model to all three of these boys that I, too, am desperately in need of grace just like they are.
Sammy has started doing the sign for "all done." And it is quite possibly the cutest thing!!! It's awkward and deliberate, and it's perfect. I love watching him play alone and his wonder of the big boys as they wrestle their dad. Sammy definitely finds the most comfort in being near me. He likes to position himself right at my feet in the kitchen. It's a little nerve-wracking when I'm cooking. I tend to move him, and he tends to hate that I do. I've walked in circles around the island as he crawls after me, so I can just finish making all of the sandwiches for lunch. It's a reminder that if he can't have his mom's care, he wants a mom's care.
We ARE making it, people! We aren't doing it perfectly or beautifully or anything like that. We are just doing the next thing each day to care for Sammy and ask God to make us more like Him in the process.
A week and a half ago, the Tuesday after I wrote that post, we shared with our community group that we really felt like Sammy had turned a corner. The reality was, we turned the corner. Yes, he was sleeping better and had clearly settled in to the routine of the Tomberlins, but we also just accepted that a lot of what was hard about taking in Sammy was us needing to die to our self. The reality is that we know with about 99% certainty that Sammy will not become a Tomberlin. His mom is working her case plan. AND his dad's side of the family is trying to get custody of him right now. His days with us are numbered. And that's not hard for us like people always assume it is with fostering. We are still in the stage of wanting to grow our family, and since we know Sammy will not be a permanent member, it just feels hard. Because it's not what WE wanted. But I'm so, so confident that God knew what He was doing when this tiny guy got placed in our home. But we hoped for a newborn baby that came to be with us and never left.
Sweet Sammy clearly has some developmental delays. He's already shown so much progress since being with us for almost 2 months. Again, all credit to the boys. He's learning so much by watching them play and be crazy. But there are clearly some emotional and social delays as well. And those are far more impacting than the fact that he doesn't walk yet. It is so rare that we hear him laugh without working very, very hard for it. Nolan was playing with him on the floor yesterday, crawling and hiding. And Sammy genuinely laughed! Nolan looked up at me with sheer delight at the fact that he made Sammy laugh. I can get laughs out of him by tickling and flipping him around like a pancake (Nolan loves when I do that to Sammy). But this was different, and it was seriously so precious! Both sides- Nolan and Sammy! And at the exact same time, it's sad. It's sad that these moments stand out because they are so few and far between.
I've basically decided to give up. In a good way. I'm going to mentally give up nap time (Sammy has been sleeping in about 40 minute increments all week. No clue why!). I'm going to give up our plan for growing our family and trust that God is not blindsided by what's happening. I'm going to give up figuring Sammy out and just love him faithfully each day. I'm going to give up my agenda, keep saying YES to Jesus, and pray that I can model to all three of these boys that I, too, am desperately in need of grace just like they are.
Sammy has started doing the sign for "all done." And it is quite possibly the cutest thing!!! It's awkward and deliberate, and it's perfect. I love watching him play alone and his wonder of the big boys as they wrestle their dad. Sammy definitely finds the most comfort in being near me. He likes to position himself right at my feet in the kitchen. It's a little nerve-wracking when I'm cooking. I tend to move him, and he tends to hate that I do. I've walked in circles around the island as he crawls after me, so I can just finish making all of the sandwiches for lunch. It's a reminder that if he can't have his mom's care, he wants a mom's care.
We ARE making it, people! We aren't doing it perfectly or beautifully or anything like that. We are just doing the next thing each day to care for Sammy and ask God to make us more like Him in the process.
Thursday, September 7, 2017
My Scattered Thoughts That Need To Land Somewhere
It's been a whopping 5.5 weeks into our first placement, and I have no beautiful post to present the amazing picture of the Gospel happening in homes all over the place through fostering. Not at all. If you start reading foster blogs like I sometimes do, there's people who write so eloquently and illustrate life as a foster parent so well, and I'm just not one of them. I also don't feel like one of those foster parents at all, and that might surface here in a bit. For now, I just give little pieces that I'm sure could all work together into a grace filled post, but it's.not.happening.
:: One of the truly shocking things for me is that my phone rings SO OFTEN now. And I have to answer it. Or if I don't answer it, I'm inevitably going to have a voicemail that requires a call back to someone. And lately, I've decided, if I'm able to answer it when it rings, answer it. Calling someone back fills me with dread. I do not like talking on the phone with random people. I never answer my phone for numbers I do not know. Scratch that. Previously, I never answered the phone for numbers I do not know. Now I do. Because I have to. Otherwise, my to-do list just gets longer.
:: My mind feels worn down. There's so much I'm trying to keep track of as far as appointments, visits, assessments, rules, policies, etc. It's so much. There are so many people who have a job that pertains to Sammy- his case manager, our family consultant, his attorney and advocate, the physical therapist, the transporter, the Babies Can't Wait advocate, the pediatrician- and they all run through me.
:: I had a pretty sweet setup each day with a beautiful 2.5 hour (give or take) nap time every afternoon. Gone. Sammy doesn't take good naps. He's slept for over an hour at a time during the day literally 6 times in the last 5.5 weeks. So, now at nap time, I rush to get as much done as I can in the 45 minutes to an hour I have. The good thing is that usually Sammy is quite content to play near me once he's awake. So, I can get other things done still. It's just not the same. But I'm thankful for his ability to play and roam and be curious.
:: Nolan continues to amaze me. His relentless pursuit of Sammy regardless of Sammy's response IS the picture of the Gospel I could present. I thought Nolan's care and interest in Sammy would wear off after 48 hours. No. It has continued and probably grown. When his teacher put him in the car one day last week, she said, "Oh there's Sammy! We keep hearing all about Sammy!" I smiled and again asked for a heart like Nolan's in regards to Sammy.
:: On a pretty regular basis, I assume every single person I can think of would be a better foster parent than me. Ok, that's too extreme. But you get what I mean. My selfishness and lack of holiness has been quite apparent. When I think about people fostering who don't love Jesus, I'm amazed. How? How do they do this outside of the strength of Jesus? Clearly there are people better suited for this than me. This has caused me to question so much about myself- am I really cut out for this? Do I really mean it when I say I want to love people who need to be loved? How is my 4 year old doing better at this than me? And this is one tiny guy who has minimal issues on paper. I pray pretty often that all of this is coming out just because it's our first placement.
:: Adam came down in jeans this morning with a work shirt on, and I thought, "Mm! He looks handsome!" And I immediately got sad because asking someone to babysit our threesome for a date night seems like such a big request, and I don't know why. We had a double date scheduled back in August with friends that I'm now convinced will not happen. We'll need to get creative on how to have date nights in and make them seem special.
:: Sometimes it feels like people want to hear us say this is hard. Like, there's a silent, "I told you so," they are holding back. As if Adam and I went on and on about how easy we thought this was going to be, when I don't remember ever doing that. People supporting us in the midst of this has been so odd. And I do think I'll write a full post about it once I process it further in my mind. Taking in Sammy has been way harder than adding a newborn of our own to our family, but the outpouring of help came so strong when I had Isaac. Not so much when we got Sammy. I remember so.many. gifts for Nolan as he adjusted to being a big brother. Isaac went through that same transition with zero notice, and no one did anything for him. I went an entire month without cooking dinner when I had Isaac, thanks to meals from other people. I was making dinner the literal next day with Sammy. Did anyone at church even suggest I take some time off to settle in with our new little guy? Nope! Maybe all the help when you have a baby is because of the physical toll it takes on mom to actually birth a baby. I don't know. That's all I can think of. It's something I hope I'm constantly aware of for other foster parents in my life. I'm thankful for our community group who regularly checked in on us and has provided meals and gift cards and diapers and wipes over the last several weeks.
:: As difficult and at times, lonely, these 5.5 weeks have been, I can say with certainty, I am for foster care. There are problems with the system, yes. There are so many unbelievable frustrations with DFCS, absolutely! Is there a better way to do this? I think about this on a pretty much daily basis. But Sammy and his siblings? They deserve to be well cared for. We are capable of opening our home up, and I'm glad that we are. It's a weighty thought that one day Sammy will share his story as a teenager or an adult, and we're a part of it now. The statistics are horrifying for foster kids as far as their future is concerned. I honestly hope he never remembers us because he'll get to go home to his mom sooner rather than later, but we're a part of his story. I pray his story is filled with redemption and Jesus. This kiddo spent his first birthday away from any family and with strangers (it actually wasn't with us- it was with a different foster family). But I really hope his next one is a true celebration of his life and the hope this entire family has moving forward.
:: Anytime I'm getting frustrated with Sammy, I remind myself that he is not mine. I remind myself that being comforted by me is not the same as the comfort he would find in his mom's embrace. She probably knows what every single whimper or scream means. She loves him wholeheartedly. And I'm motivated to love well. To care for him well. I have another mama's baby in my house. I want her to know he's being treasured and protected, that I'm fighting for his well being. I've been doing a study on the armor of God, and when I started mentally shifting this struggle to a spiritual battle, things changed for me. The enemy wants nothing but destruction for this little guy and his family. And honestly, probably my own destruction, too. But I choose to wage war for Sammy. When he's crying in the night, I'm asking for the peace of God to combat the darkness coming at Sammy. When I get caught up in the hard parts of fostering, I need to remind myself that the enemy wants me out of the game, too.
:: This all quickly snowballed. Honestly, the majority of our days are pretty smooth. I owe much of that to the awesomeness of my boys. It's hard to explain. This feels like normal now. Taking three small boys everywhere feels normal. People give me weird looks. They often ask if there's a set of twins- to which I am so dumbfounded by! Who? Who would be the twins? There's a constant extra stressor in our lives now, and something new that's exposing parts of my heart that are holding onto doing things MY way. Instead of fully surrendering that to Jesus. Every single day I ask God to change my heart and make me more like Him.
I wrote this post during nap time and was getting worked up as I kept going. When I saw Adam at dinner, I immediately broke down in his arms. It had all built up for too long and came oozing out. When I woke up this morning, I felt lighter and clearer about everything. I'm not taking anything back from what I wrote because it was most definitely the weight I was carrying yesterday. I imagine there are more heavy days to come, and there is more and more refining to come in this fostering journey.
:: One of the truly shocking things for me is that my phone rings SO OFTEN now. And I have to answer it. Or if I don't answer it, I'm inevitably going to have a voicemail that requires a call back to someone. And lately, I've decided, if I'm able to answer it when it rings, answer it. Calling someone back fills me with dread. I do not like talking on the phone with random people. I never answer my phone for numbers I do not know. Scratch that. Previously, I never answered the phone for numbers I do not know. Now I do. Because I have to. Otherwise, my to-do list just gets longer.
:: My mind feels worn down. There's so much I'm trying to keep track of as far as appointments, visits, assessments, rules, policies, etc. It's so much. There are so many people who have a job that pertains to Sammy- his case manager, our family consultant, his attorney and advocate, the physical therapist, the transporter, the Babies Can't Wait advocate, the pediatrician- and they all run through me.
:: I had a pretty sweet setup each day with a beautiful 2.5 hour (give or take) nap time every afternoon. Gone. Sammy doesn't take good naps. He's slept for over an hour at a time during the day literally 6 times in the last 5.5 weeks. So, now at nap time, I rush to get as much done as I can in the 45 minutes to an hour I have. The good thing is that usually Sammy is quite content to play near me once he's awake. So, I can get other things done still. It's just not the same. But I'm thankful for his ability to play and roam and be curious.
:: Nolan continues to amaze me. His relentless pursuit of Sammy regardless of Sammy's response IS the picture of the Gospel I could present. I thought Nolan's care and interest in Sammy would wear off after 48 hours. No. It has continued and probably grown. When his teacher put him in the car one day last week, she said, "Oh there's Sammy! We keep hearing all about Sammy!" I smiled and again asked for a heart like Nolan's in regards to Sammy.
:: On a pretty regular basis, I assume every single person I can think of would be a better foster parent than me. Ok, that's too extreme. But you get what I mean. My selfishness and lack of holiness has been quite apparent. When I think about people fostering who don't love Jesus, I'm amazed. How? How do they do this outside of the strength of Jesus? Clearly there are people better suited for this than me. This has caused me to question so much about myself- am I really cut out for this? Do I really mean it when I say I want to love people who need to be loved? How is my 4 year old doing better at this than me? And this is one tiny guy who has minimal issues on paper. I pray pretty often that all of this is coming out just because it's our first placement.
:: Adam came down in jeans this morning with a work shirt on, and I thought, "Mm! He looks handsome!" And I immediately got sad because asking someone to babysit our threesome for a date night seems like such a big request, and I don't know why. We had a double date scheduled back in August with friends that I'm now convinced will not happen. We'll need to get creative on how to have date nights in and make them seem special.
:: Sometimes it feels like people want to hear us say this is hard. Like, there's a silent, "I told you so," they are holding back. As if Adam and I went on and on about how easy we thought this was going to be, when I don't remember ever doing that. People supporting us in the midst of this has been so odd. And I do think I'll write a full post about it once I process it further in my mind. Taking in Sammy has been way harder than adding a newborn of our own to our family, but the outpouring of help came so strong when I had Isaac. Not so much when we got Sammy. I remember so.many. gifts for Nolan as he adjusted to being a big brother. Isaac went through that same transition with zero notice, and no one did anything for him. I went an entire month without cooking dinner when I had Isaac, thanks to meals from other people. I was making dinner the literal next day with Sammy. Did anyone at church even suggest I take some time off to settle in with our new little guy? Nope! Maybe all the help when you have a baby is because of the physical toll it takes on mom to actually birth a baby. I don't know. That's all I can think of. It's something I hope I'm constantly aware of for other foster parents in my life. I'm thankful for our community group who regularly checked in on us and has provided meals and gift cards and diapers and wipes over the last several weeks.
:: As difficult and at times, lonely, these 5.5 weeks have been, I can say with certainty, I am for foster care. There are problems with the system, yes. There are so many unbelievable frustrations with DFCS, absolutely! Is there a better way to do this? I think about this on a pretty much daily basis. But Sammy and his siblings? They deserve to be well cared for. We are capable of opening our home up, and I'm glad that we are. It's a weighty thought that one day Sammy will share his story as a teenager or an adult, and we're a part of it now. The statistics are horrifying for foster kids as far as their future is concerned. I honestly hope he never remembers us because he'll get to go home to his mom sooner rather than later, but we're a part of his story. I pray his story is filled with redemption and Jesus. This kiddo spent his first birthday away from any family and with strangers (it actually wasn't with us- it was with a different foster family). But I really hope his next one is a true celebration of his life and the hope this entire family has moving forward.
:: Anytime I'm getting frustrated with Sammy, I remind myself that he is not mine. I remind myself that being comforted by me is not the same as the comfort he would find in his mom's embrace. She probably knows what every single whimper or scream means. She loves him wholeheartedly. And I'm motivated to love well. To care for him well. I have another mama's baby in my house. I want her to know he's being treasured and protected, that I'm fighting for his well being. I've been doing a study on the armor of God, and when I started mentally shifting this struggle to a spiritual battle, things changed for me. The enemy wants nothing but destruction for this little guy and his family. And honestly, probably my own destruction, too. But I choose to wage war for Sammy. When he's crying in the night, I'm asking for the peace of God to combat the darkness coming at Sammy. When I get caught up in the hard parts of fostering, I need to remind myself that the enemy wants me out of the game, too.
:: This all quickly snowballed. Honestly, the majority of our days are pretty smooth. I owe much of that to the awesomeness of my boys. It's hard to explain. This feels like normal now. Taking three small boys everywhere feels normal. People give me weird looks. They often ask if there's a set of twins- to which I am so dumbfounded by! Who? Who would be the twins? There's a constant extra stressor in our lives now, and something new that's exposing parts of my heart that are holding onto doing things MY way. Instead of fully surrendering that to Jesus. Every single day I ask God to change my heart and make me more like Him.
I wrote this post during nap time and was getting worked up as I kept going. When I saw Adam at dinner, I immediately broke down in his arms. It had all built up for too long and came oozing out. When I woke up this morning, I felt lighter and clearer about everything. I'm not taking anything back from what I wrote because it was most definitely the weight I was carrying yesterday. I imagine there are more heavy days to come, and there is more and more refining to come in this fostering journey.
Saturday, August 19, 2017
Just Writing It Down
I decided that I needed to make it a priority this weekend to get one on one time with my boys. We've had some big changes with Sammy coming to live with us and Nolan off to school, so though it takes a lot of thought and effort and manipulating of time to make these little dates happen, they are always worth it.
Let it be known that when Nolan goes on a date with me, he requests that I wear a dress and "look pretty." I think that means put make-up and earrings on. Basically- do this for real, Mama!
So, at 10:30 this morning, I put a dress and earrings on, a quick swoosh of mascara and got my biggest boy into the van to head out.
We went to North Point Mall to go on the carousal. Nolan always wants to do this with me as a date, but it's 30 minutes away. So, we're looking at an hour of just travel time. But this time, I obliged. As we walked hand in hand through the mall, his little thumb was stroking my hand back and forth, just like I do to him. It was heart melting. As soon as we got off the carousal, he looked up at me and asked for another special thing to do on our date.
We walked back through the mall, and drove to the Barnes & Noble for some Starbucks and bookstore time. He ate a donut. We read several books together. I loved every second of my time with him. He never once whined. He never asked to buy anything. He was basically the most perfect version of himself, you know, that's just how dates go, right?!
We headed home, and he sits in the back row of the van. So, I could easily look in my rear view mirror to see him. He caught me looking at him one time and he said, "I really liked doing those special things with you. Thank you for taking me on the merry go round and for my donut and for reading all those books."
Cue the tears.
I choked them back and told him how much I loved our special time together and that being his mom is my favorite thing.
Nolan started school on Thursday and that combined with his total sweetness, I could've dissolved into a puddle. Gosh, that kid can make me crazy. He can be so stubborn and defiant and exhaustingly anxious. But, he's also got a sweet, tender heart that loves me despite all of my mommy shortcomings.
Time seems like a luxury I rarely fully appreciate. It's tricky and cruel at times, too. Some days I feel like time is crawling, and then I also frequently get to Saturday wondering, "How is this week already over?"
Because of the rapid rate in which my children change, it seems like it's constantly thrust in my face that this is childhood of theirs is so fleeting. So, I wanted to take the time when I should be writing thank you notes or making a dish for the potluck tomorrow to write this all down. I want to remember this time with Nolan that was too short but a gift nonetheless.
I wish I had an iPhone on days like today, so I could take actual pictures of his sweet, perfect face as he looked down at me from the white tiger on the carousal, making sure I was still watching, still touching his leg as he went up and down. I wish we could've snapped a selfie of us sharing the tiniest bench in the kids section at the bookstore, as we read book after book after book. Or the look on his face as he finished his whole big donut with glee. But, the mental pictures will have to do. If I could relive that date with him each Saturday, I absolutely would do that.
Oh, my precious Nolan. That little boy made me Mama, and for that I'll always be thankful.
Nolan's first, first day of school!
Wednesday, August 9, 2017
10 Days In
Note: It is my 30th birthday today, and I wanted to do a birthday post for me just like I do for the boys. But, I wanted to try to get a few things out of my head.
We are 10 days in. We've had our first foster placement for 10 days now. It took all of about 4 hours before my selfishness was coming out. 4 hours, people. For the sake of his confidentiality, I'm going to call him Sammy. It took me literally 8 minutes to pick a name because his actual name is so perfect for him, there's just nothing else that would stick.
Sammy is a very small one year old who came to us from another foster home where he had been for 10 days. The same amount of time that he'd been away from his two older siblings (7 and 9 year olds). And guess what- he came with almost nothing, hardly any information, and of course, no clue what was going on.
It took us no time at all to realize this was hard. And I'm not going to even let my pride get in the way here. It's been hard. And it's only been 10 days.
My emotions continue to surprise me. One second my heart is actually aching for this little boy who has been taken from his mom and siblings, and the next I'm so annoyed with his fiery stubbornness that refuses to sleep. I can watch with delight his interactions with my boys, and I can be overcome with sadness at how hard it can be to make this little baby laugh.
While Adam and I had to process out loud together every.single.night the first week, you know who has been crushing it?
Nolan.
I literally just had tears spring to my eyes. I sit in amazement pretty much every day at the ways he loves Sammy and cares for him. It's been unreal and the most humbling thing to watch. Sammy does not often reward just anyone with giggles or smiles, but Nolan does not relent. It doesn't affect his attempts to play with, talk to, or love on this tiny boy. I've literally asked God to give me a heart like Nolan.
One of the most exhausting things about the last week and a half is not that Sammy is a terrible sleeper some nights. It's that I find myself second guessing myself at every turn. Should I let him cry? Does he need to be held more? Is it a bad idea to keep giving him a bottle? Am I being a good enough fill-in mom for him? Is he getting enough of what he needs? It's unending. There's so much I don't know about him. And I'm so new to fostering, that I just have to keep asking the Holy Spirit to guide me.
But it's hard.
Sammy got evaluated by Children First today. They basically decide if kids under three need further services like occupational therapy, physical therapy, etc. She did her assessment of Sammy and told me what she thought about the situation. And then she teared up and looked at me and said, "I know this is hard! I know you don't know what's going on or what to do. But you're doing it! Keep going! Your love and care could literally change the course of his life." And I wanted to cry into her shoulder and tell her that I needed to hear that so badly.
I've been so confused why some people around me are carrying on as usual, expecting all the same things of me as before. And I want to scream, "I'M CARRYING A BURDEN I'VE NEVER CARRIED BEFORE!" I need a minute to figure this out. It's not that I'm caring for three children now. I felt ready for that change. And I actually love having another child in this home. I want another one (eventually). But this is unlike anything else I've ever done. The mental and emotional toll it's taken has been a huge surprise.
Sammy is sweet and tiny and oh so cute! He's got a big ol' grin and a funny little laugh. I'm confident things will get better, and I can only imagine each placement is different. This guy has interrupted a well oiled routine over here, and I'm not surprised that ruffled my feathers. God is certainly using Sammy to further refine us and draw us closer to Him.
We are 10 days in. We've had our first foster placement for 10 days now. It took all of about 4 hours before my selfishness was coming out. 4 hours, people. For the sake of his confidentiality, I'm going to call him Sammy. It took me literally 8 minutes to pick a name because his actual name is so perfect for him, there's just nothing else that would stick.
Sammy is a very small one year old who came to us from another foster home where he had been for 10 days. The same amount of time that he'd been away from his two older siblings (7 and 9 year olds). And guess what- he came with almost nothing, hardly any information, and of course, no clue what was going on.
It took us no time at all to realize this was hard. And I'm not going to even let my pride get in the way here. It's been hard. And it's only been 10 days.
My emotions continue to surprise me. One second my heart is actually aching for this little boy who has been taken from his mom and siblings, and the next I'm so annoyed with his fiery stubbornness that refuses to sleep. I can watch with delight his interactions with my boys, and I can be overcome with sadness at how hard it can be to make this little baby laugh.
While Adam and I had to process out loud together every.single.night the first week, you know who has been crushing it?
Nolan.
I literally just had tears spring to my eyes. I sit in amazement pretty much every day at the ways he loves Sammy and cares for him. It's been unreal and the most humbling thing to watch. Sammy does not often reward just anyone with giggles or smiles, but Nolan does not relent. It doesn't affect his attempts to play with, talk to, or love on this tiny boy. I've literally asked God to give me a heart like Nolan.
One of the most exhausting things about the last week and a half is not that Sammy is a terrible sleeper some nights. It's that I find myself second guessing myself at every turn. Should I let him cry? Does he need to be held more? Is it a bad idea to keep giving him a bottle? Am I being a good enough fill-in mom for him? Is he getting enough of what he needs? It's unending. There's so much I don't know about him. And I'm so new to fostering, that I just have to keep asking the Holy Spirit to guide me.
But it's hard.
Sammy got evaluated by Children First today. They basically decide if kids under three need further services like occupational therapy, physical therapy, etc. She did her assessment of Sammy and told me what she thought about the situation. And then she teared up and looked at me and said, "I know this is hard! I know you don't know what's going on or what to do. But you're doing it! Keep going! Your love and care could literally change the course of his life." And I wanted to cry into her shoulder and tell her that I needed to hear that so badly.
I've been so confused why some people around me are carrying on as usual, expecting all the same things of me as before. And I want to scream, "I'M CARRYING A BURDEN I'VE NEVER CARRIED BEFORE!" I need a minute to figure this out. It's not that I'm caring for three children now. I felt ready for that change. And I actually love having another child in this home. I want another one (eventually). But this is unlike anything else I've ever done. The mental and emotional toll it's taken has been a huge surprise.
Sammy is sweet and tiny and oh so cute! He's got a big ol' grin and a funny little laugh. I'm confident things will get better, and I can only imagine each placement is different. This guy has interrupted a well oiled routine over here, and I'm not surprised that ruffled my feathers. God is certainly using Sammy to further refine us and draw us closer to Him.
Sunday, July 30, 2017
My Nolan
Oh Nolan,
You are four! And something about you absolutely seems different. I don't know if it's because you're lean and trim, with no trace of baby fat. Or maybe it's the way you talk. I don't know. But you seem older, my little man.
I can't believe I'm sending you to preschool next month. Though, you don't like to talk about it at all. I know for sure that you are going to love it. I know you are going to grow and learn and develop so much. I also know that you're going to love your teacher. I'm both so excited and so torn about sharing you with her. Once this crazy school phase starts, it feels like there's no going back. You really are crossing over into little boyhood instead of hanging onto toddlerhood.
This last week at the lake, you jumped off the dock and the boat, enjoyed boat rides, and looked...free. Like the fear that can so easily weigh you down, leaving you paralyzed, was lifted. You would still look for reassurance every once in a while that your float would make you pop right back up after jumping in, but for the most part, you just played. I can't tell you how happy I was FOR you. When you were sitting at the front of the boat with your face in the wind, I wanted to memorize your joy-filled face. It was amazing, Nolan!
Your inclination to pray for people at any given moment is so precious and dear. Your desire to welcome people into our home is one of my favorite things about you. You've decided you love helping me bake, and I hope this is something we can enjoy doing more the older you get. I love seeing glimpses of your tender heart towards others.
Three year old Nolan was no walk in the park, my son. Parenting you was humbling. I questioned myself over and over. I wondered where you and I were missing each other. But I never, ever wavered in my love for you, Buddy. Three year old Nolan drew me closer to Jesus, and I should probably thank you for that some day. Having said all of that, I'm hopeful that this next year together is not quite as exhausting.
Nolan Alex Tomberlin, I love you so much. Your smile lights up the room. Your laugh is contagious. Your genuine enthusiasm in pretty much anything is a gift! I hope you always appreciate the little things. You are a runner and an athlete. You love helping Daddy with his tools and doing "man things." You have an eye for cars, and it's sometimes still astounding. You are a smart boy, Nolan!
I love you. I like you. I enjoy you, and I'm proud of you, son.
Love,
Mommy
You are four! And something about you absolutely seems different. I don't know if it's because you're lean and trim, with no trace of baby fat. Or maybe it's the way you talk. I don't know. But you seem older, my little man.
I can't believe I'm sending you to preschool next month. Though, you don't like to talk about it at all. I know for sure that you are going to love it. I know you are going to grow and learn and develop so much. I also know that you're going to love your teacher. I'm both so excited and so torn about sharing you with her. Once this crazy school phase starts, it feels like there's no going back. You really are crossing over into little boyhood instead of hanging onto toddlerhood.
This last week at the lake, you jumped off the dock and the boat, enjoyed boat rides, and looked...free. Like the fear that can so easily weigh you down, leaving you paralyzed, was lifted. You would still look for reassurance every once in a while that your float would make you pop right back up after jumping in, but for the most part, you just played. I can't tell you how happy I was FOR you. When you were sitting at the front of the boat with your face in the wind, I wanted to memorize your joy-filled face. It was amazing, Nolan!
Your inclination to pray for people at any given moment is so precious and dear. Your desire to welcome people into our home is one of my favorite things about you. You've decided you love helping me bake, and I hope this is something we can enjoy doing more the older you get. I love seeing glimpses of your tender heart towards others.
Three year old Nolan was no walk in the park, my son. Parenting you was humbling. I questioned myself over and over. I wondered where you and I were missing each other. But I never, ever wavered in my love for you, Buddy. Three year old Nolan drew me closer to Jesus, and I should probably thank you for that some day. Having said all of that, I'm hopeful that this next year together is not quite as exhausting.
Nolan Alex Tomberlin, I love you so much. Your smile lights up the room. Your laugh is contagious. Your genuine enthusiasm in pretty much anything is a gift! I hope you always appreciate the little things. You are a runner and an athlete. You love helping Daddy with his tools and doing "man things." You have an eye for cars, and it's sometimes still astounding. You are a smart boy, Nolan!
I love you. I like you. I enjoy you, and I'm proud of you, son.
Love,
Mommy
Thursday, July 20, 2017
Four
Nolan Alex Tomberlin is 4 years old. Four years ago he came into the world, and it was a grueling 3 days to make that happen. The doctors concluded that Nolan got stuck right at my pelvic bone because his head just would not mold to the birth canal to make for an easy delivery. Basically, he's been hard headed (LITERALLY) since birth. The doctor had to use a vacuum to get him out, and everyone commented that it was unbelievable that his head looked absolutely perfect- no cone shape, no signs of me pushing for THREE HOURS. Because- that is Nolan Tomberlin, people. Thick skulled.
Nolan gets compliments and comments and copious amount of attention because of that head of hair. Everywhere we go people always talk about his hair. And, it is awesome, but he is starting to mention that he'd like short hair like his Daddy. I'm not sure at what point I'll let him make that decision, but I can assure you it's not today!
This was Nolan's reaction when I told him we needed to leave the lake where his cousins currently were. Nolan is still just as impressed and obsessed with Ryann, Alee, Valor, and Hope gets thrown in there because she's part of the package. It's odd to me but also precious how much he loves them. We spent two nights in North Carolina last month, he did this same thing when I told him we were leaving.
Nolan and Isaac. Nolan is growing more and more fond of Isaac's constant presence but is so easily annoyed with him it's unreal. It's like he wants Isaac close but only in the exact way he's thinking in his mind. Since they started sharing a room 5 months ago, I've definitely seen Nolan's affection for his brother increase. Unprovoked, he will hug Isaac, try to comfort him, and protect him. But he will also shove him off the ottoman faster than you can blink. Is this just brothers? I don't know.
One thing I absolutely love about Nolan is his unbridled joy for the simple things. His delight in popsicles or a song that he loves coming on the radio or seeing a construction site in action or his dad's sneak attack wrestling moves- it all can easily send him into an absolute fit of joy. I treasure this about him.
Nolan is still napping every day- THANKYOUJESUS! He has turned into a pretty decent eater, though he certainly judges a meal by the way it looks. If I can get him to take a bite, he usually has no problem finishing it. He still loves hotdogs and fries. I cannot think of a fruit he doesn't love. His current favorite is peaches. He loves Life cereal, and I love the simplicity of that! As of late, he does not tire of peanut butter and honey sandwiches, and for that I must again say- THANKYOUJESUS!
Nolan is Mr. Hospitality! It is so close to one of my favorite things about him. I hope we can encourage him in this! He is so quick to invite people to stay and eat, ask if they are hungry, etc. When other people are in our home, Nolan is the most selfless version of himself. It's almost shocking to see someone so young be so effortlessly intentional- is that possible? As a mom, I can only hope this means Nolan is always asking his friends over to our house.
Without question, this past year has been the most humbling year mainly because of the force that is Nolan Tomberlin. I have a feeling there's a lot more to come, too. I love being his mom, but there are definitely days that I feel like he deserves better! And there are days that I want to cry because I just want to have fun with him but instead it feels like constant correcting. There are days of wondering, "Is actually anything getting through to him? Is anything sticking?" And then, I get to see that some of the most important things are.
Today, at Chick-Fil-A, Isaac was nervous about the costumed cow being out. He kept looking around for it. Nolan started singing, "Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me." He looked at Isaac and said, "Isaac. That's about God's love. Because God's love makes fear go away! Say no to fear!" I smiled and high-fived the kid in my head. And he of course went on to say, "Punch fear in the eyeballs!" Because that is my 4 year old, Nolan Alex Tomberlin.
Nolan gets compliments and comments and copious amount of attention because of that head of hair. Everywhere we go people always talk about his hair. And, it is awesome, but he is starting to mention that he'd like short hair like his Daddy. I'm not sure at what point I'll let him make that decision, but I can assure you it's not today!
This was Nolan's reaction when I told him we needed to leave the lake where his cousins currently were. Nolan is still just as impressed and obsessed with Ryann, Alee, Valor, and Hope gets thrown in there because she's part of the package. It's odd to me but also precious how much he loves them. We spent two nights in North Carolina last month, he did this same thing when I told him we were leaving.
Nolan and Isaac. Nolan is growing more and more fond of Isaac's constant presence but is so easily annoyed with him it's unreal. It's like he wants Isaac close but only in the exact way he's thinking in his mind. Since they started sharing a room 5 months ago, I've definitely seen Nolan's affection for his brother increase. Unprovoked, he will hug Isaac, try to comfort him, and protect him. But he will also shove him off the ottoman faster than you can blink. Is this just brothers? I don't know.
One thing I absolutely love about Nolan is his unbridled joy for the simple things. His delight in popsicles or a song that he loves coming on the radio or seeing a construction site in action or his dad's sneak attack wrestling moves- it all can easily send him into an absolute fit of joy. I treasure this about him.
Nolan is still napping every day- THANKYOUJESUS! He has turned into a pretty decent eater, though he certainly judges a meal by the way it looks. If I can get him to take a bite, he usually has no problem finishing it. He still loves hotdogs and fries. I cannot think of a fruit he doesn't love. His current favorite is peaches. He loves Life cereal, and I love the simplicity of that! As of late, he does not tire of peanut butter and honey sandwiches, and for that I must again say- THANKYOUJESUS!
Nolan is Mr. Hospitality! It is so close to one of my favorite things about him. I hope we can encourage him in this! He is so quick to invite people to stay and eat, ask if they are hungry, etc. When other people are in our home, Nolan is the most selfless version of himself. It's almost shocking to see someone so young be so effortlessly intentional- is that possible? As a mom, I can only hope this means Nolan is always asking his friends over to our house.
Without question, this past year has been the most humbling year mainly because of the force that is Nolan Tomberlin. I have a feeling there's a lot more to come, too. I love being his mom, but there are definitely days that I feel like he deserves better! And there are days that I want to cry because I just want to have fun with him but instead it feels like constant correcting. There are days of wondering, "Is actually anything getting through to him? Is anything sticking?" And then, I get to see that some of the most important things are.
Today, at Chick-Fil-A, Isaac was nervous about the costumed cow being out. He kept looking around for it. Nolan started singing, "Your love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me." He looked at Isaac and said, "Isaac. That's about God's love. Because God's love makes fear go away! Say no to fear!" I smiled and high-fived the kid in my head. And he of course went on to say, "Punch fear in the eyeballs!" Because that is my 4 year old, Nolan Alex Tomberlin.
Saturday, May 20, 2017
Tough Mudder
"So, you want to do a Tough Mudder?"
I got something along those lines in a text message from Adam back in February. Mutual friends were putting a group together to get a break on the registration price for a Tough Mudder in April. I did a quick google search of Tough Mudder, which led me to their website. I looked through the obstacles and read about the event. My actual reaction was, "Why would anyone want to do this?"
But, I heard myself say, "I guess I'll go for it."
10-12 mile course with 20+ obstacles a lot of them in the mud.
I regretted signing up for it the second we handed over our money.
I started training for it only by putting extra focus on my upper body strength (not my favorite) and really hitting the cardio. I started running with a friend once a week and running by myself once a week. I am not a runner, so this wasn't an enjoyable adjustment for me.
As the weeks flew by, we arrived at the week of the Tough Mudder before I knew it. And I. was. anxious. I hated that I had signed up for this thing. Hated might be strong, but it's in the right neighborhood. The only other girl in the group had a change in plans 1 week before the event, so it would be me with 4 other guys, one of them being Adam.
I kept my eyes on the prize- getting to eat a yummy meal that I wouldn't typically indulge in.
You see, on our 1 year anniversary dinner, Adam and I were out to eat celebrating (I was about 8 weeks pregnant at this point). And we were talking about our first year, about the surprises both good and bad. Obviously, the fact that I was pregnant was a huge surprise. But Adam said so seriously, "I was surprised to find out you're not as tough as I thought you were."
Blame it on the hormones, but I wanted to cry. I couldn't believe he said that to me.
[hindsight: I can believe it for so many reasons]
So, as silly as it sounds, I started to doubt my toughness in that very moment. Then Nolan's horrific birth experience happened. I really, really thought I was going to be able to deliver Nolan naturally, and I couldn't. And then I really doubted my toughness.
In the final days leading up to Tough Mudder, I tried to change my thoughts. "I am strong. I am tough. I can do this!" I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to keep up with guys and their experience would be dulled by my lack of toughness.
Right as we were about to start the event, Adam who was so amped up at this point looked at me and said, "Are you ready??" And I barely nodded my head and said, "Ready for it to be over."
And then before I knew it, I started jogging, didn't look back, and focused on doing the next thing.
The initial obstacles weren't so tough. In fact, after a few of them, I was annoyed that I had gotten so worked up about this. But in the back of my head, I just knew the hard ones were coming. I knew that they were just building up my confidence to tackle the hard ones.
When we hit the halfway point with the obstacles, it was called Everest 2.0. You had to run up a slick quarter pipe over 15 feet tall. If you didn't make it to the top, you just slid down and tried again. This was an obstacle that really the guys weren't going to be able to help me with except for being hands I grabbed at the top. People were sliding down all over the place. We are muddy after all. When everyone in our group had made it, I knew I just needed to do it. Fully expecting to try numerous times.
So, I sprinted at the wall, kept my legs moving as long as I could, and I made contact with hands at the top and was able to pull myself over.
And after that point- I was done doubting myself. I still had about 6 miles of running left and at least 10 obstacles to go, but I stopped all the self doubting talk in my head. I could do this. I was strong enough. I had trained well for this.
By the time we had a couple miles left of trail running, much of it uphill, I slowly took off from the group. I was done pacing myself. I knew the finish was close, and I just ran. And I wasn't super fatigued (just incredibly hungry), so I wanted to run this thing to the end. So, I was the first one in our group to actually make it to the last obstacle, which I waited for them so we could all do it together.
It really was a great and fun experience. And to be clear, many of the obstacles were collaborative and emphasized team work. This was by no means accomplished by myself. And I did fail at the hardest obstacle, but I did way better than I thought I would. And way better than any of the guys thought I would do.
I would definitely sign up for another Tough Mudder. And I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. Because I am tough enough!
I got something along those lines in a text message from Adam back in February. Mutual friends were putting a group together to get a break on the registration price for a Tough Mudder in April. I did a quick google search of Tough Mudder, which led me to their website. I looked through the obstacles and read about the event. My actual reaction was, "Why would anyone want to do this?"
But, I heard myself say, "I guess I'll go for it."
10-12 mile course with 20+ obstacles a lot of them in the mud.
I regretted signing up for it the second we handed over our money.
I started training for it only by putting extra focus on my upper body strength (not my favorite) and really hitting the cardio. I started running with a friend once a week and running by myself once a week. I am not a runner, so this wasn't an enjoyable adjustment for me.
As the weeks flew by, we arrived at the week of the Tough Mudder before I knew it. And I. was. anxious. I hated that I had signed up for this thing. Hated might be strong, but it's in the right neighborhood. The only other girl in the group had a change in plans 1 week before the event, so it would be me with 4 other guys, one of them being Adam.
I kept my eyes on the prize- getting to eat a yummy meal that I wouldn't typically indulge in.
You see, on our 1 year anniversary dinner, Adam and I were out to eat celebrating (I was about 8 weeks pregnant at this point). And we were talking about our first year, about the surprises both good and bad. Obviously, the fact that I was pregnant was a huge surprise. But Adam said so seriously, "I was surprised to find out you're not as tough as I thought you were."
Blame it on the hormones, but I wanted to cry. I couldn't believe he said that to me.
[hindsight: I can believe it for so many reasons]
So, as silly as it sounds, I started to doubt my toughness in that very moment. Then Nolan's horrific birth experience happened. I really, really thought I was going to be able to deliver Nolan naturally, and I couldn't. And then I really doubted my toughness.
In the final days leading up to Tough Mudder, I tried to change my thoughts. "I am strong. I am tough. I can do this!" I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to keep up with guys and their experience would be dulled by my lack of toughness.
Right as we were about to start the event, Adam who was so amped up at this point looked at me and said, "Are you ready??" And I barely nodded my head and said, "Ready for it to be over."
And then before I knew it, I started jogging, didn't look back, and focused on doing the next thing.
The initial obstacles weren't so tough. In fact, after a few of them, I was annoyed that I had gotten so worked up about this. But in the back of my head, I just knew the hard ones were coming. I knew that they were just building up my confidence to tackle the hard ones.
When we hit the halfway point with the obstacles, it was called Everest 2.0. You had to run up a slick quarter pipe over 15 feet tall. If you didn't make it to the top, you just slid down and tried again. This was an obstacle that really the guys weren't going to be able to help me with except for being hands I grabbed at the top. People were sliding down all over the place. We are muddy after all. When everyone in our group had made it, I knew I just needed to do it. Fully expecting to try numerous times.
So, I sprinted at the wall, kept my legs moving as long as I could, and I made contact with hands at the top and was able to pull myself over.
And after that point- I was done doubting myself. I still had about 6 miles of running left and at least 10 obstacles to go, but I stopped all the self doubting talk in my head. I could do this. I was strong enough. I had trained well for this.
By the time we had a couple miles left of trail running, much of it uphill, I slowly took off from the group. I was done pacing myself. I knew the finish was close, and I just ran. And I wasn't super fatigued (just incredibly hungry), so I wanted to run this thing to the end. So, I was the first one in our group to actually make it to the last obstacle, which I waited for them so we could all do it together.
It really was a great and fun experience. And to be clear, many of the obstacles were collaborative and emphasized team work. This was by no means accomplished by myself. And I did fail at the hardest obstacle, but I did way better than I thought I would. And way better than any of the guys thought I would do.
I would definitely sign up for another Tough Mudder. And I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. Because I am tough enough!
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
2 Years Old
I kept waiting and waiting for good light to take pictures of Isaac with the bear, and this morning I said, "Forget it! I'm doing it now!" So, the lighting isn't great, but I didn't want a whole month to pass by before getting this done.
At Isaac's 2 year check-up he weighed a few ounces shy of 30 pounds. I forget how long he is, but the doctor thinks he's going to be a big guy. I have a hard time envisioning it, except the kid can EAT!
It seems fitting that Isaac's name means full of laughter because he is indeed FULL of laughter. And he's filled our home with laughter. Of course, no one makes him laugh quite like his brother can. Isaac calls Nolan, "No-no," and the day before Isaac turned 2, he said, "Nolan." I had actual tears in my eyes, but he switched back about 2 minutes later.
Isaac was quite the Mama's boy this past year. He does adore his Daddy, but given the choice, he's going to pick his Mama every time.
This kid- loves to eat! He loves the Cheetos that are pictured above! We only got Isaac 2 things for Christmas. A ball and that bag of Cheetos. He was so happy about both! He loves meatballs and pasta, hotdogs, just about all fruit, and is a pretty fantastic veggie eater, too! Isaac is generally willing to try anything I put in front of him, and I LOVE THAT about him! He can inhale something I made for dinner, but when I give him the leftovers for dinner a couple of days later, he's not so impressed.
This guy is still sleeping in a crib with no plans to move him. He often goes BONKERS in his crib, and I just can't imagine him in a bed. He's a great sleeper, but ever since he started sharing a room with Nolan, he's been such a crazy guy! Jumping, falling, kicking, etc. He thinks it's hilarious.
Isaac loves throwing rocks into water, dogs, getting very muddy, playing baseball, swinging, petting babies, and doing anything Nolan is doing. He's a great little communicator and has definitely started asserting his will often and loudly! And as he strings more and more words together, Nolan is finding that Isaac is standing up for himself more.
Isaac is a sweet boy who made having a one year old the absolute best! I'd happily do it all over again. But we all know that never happens, so I push myself to savor the 2 year old that he is.
At Isaac's 2 year check-up he weighed a few ounces shy of 30 pounds. I forget how long he is, but the doctor thinks he's going to be a big guy. I have a hard time envisioning it, except the kid can EAT!
It seems fitting that Isaac's name means full of laughter because he is indeed FULL of laughter. And he's filled our home with laughter. Of course, no one makes him laugh quite like his brother can. Isaac calls Nolan, "No-no," and the day before Isaac turned 2, he said, "Nolan." I had actual tears in my eyes, but he switched back about 2 minutes later.
Isaac was quite the Mama's boy this past year. He does adore his Daddy, but given the choice, he's going to pick his Mama every time.
This kid- loves to eat! He loves the Cheetos that are pictured above! We only got Isaac 2 things for Christmas. A ball and that bag of Cheetos. He was so happy about both! He loves meatballs and pasta, hotdogs, just about all fruit, and is a pretty fantastic veggie eater, too! Isaac is generally willing to try anything I put in front of him, and I LOVE THAT about him! He can inhale something I made for dinner, but when I give him the leftovers for dinner a couple of days later, he's not so impressed.
This guy is still sleeping in a crib with no plans to move him. He often goes BONKERS in his crib, and I just can't imagine him in a bed. He's a great sleeper, but ever since he started sharing a room with Nolan, he's been such a crazy guy! Jumping, falling, kicking, etc. He thinks it's hilarious.
Isaac loves throwing rocks into water, dogs, getting very muddy, playing baseball, swinging, petting babies, and doing anything Nolan is doing. He's a great little communicator and has definitely started asserting his will often and loudly! And as he strings more and more words together, Nolan is finding that Isaac is standing up for himself more.
Isaac is a sweet boy who made having a one year old the absolute best! I'd happily do it all over again. But we all know that never happens, so I push myself to savor the 2 year old that he is.
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
To My Precious 2 Year Old
Oh my Isaac Dean,
This past year sure did whiz by! One year old you was pretty much perfection! Ok, we all know that isn't true. No one year old is perfect, but gosh, you sure were close! And now you're two. TWO!
You are full of personality, opinions, and belly laughs. You eat and eat and eat (except at breakfast), and you do it with enthusiasm. You still hold my hair and suck your thumb sideways. I really wouldn't have it any other way. Your squishy thighs are one of the best parts of my day, and I will squeeze them as long as I can.
Isaac, you are the sweetest boy there is. I can't tell you how much joy and delight you bring our family. I love watching you play with Nolan or "pet" babies or read books by yourself. I love listening to you talk and sing. And just about the time you say, "No, sir," to Nolan, I could burst with laughter. I love feeling your hands on my face as you try to get my attention and my focus. I just love you so much, Isaac.
You are tough and determined. You can take a punch and just keep moving. You are daring and brave and willing to try new things. In fact, you help make Nolan more brave and daring. You are growing in independence, and I have mixed emotions about it. But I know it's good. You are turning into quite the little boy, my little love. I'm treasuring your littleness as I also try to encourage your bigness. It's tough! And boy is that feisty side of you showing up more and more!
Isaac, I couldn't be happier to be your mom. Though you have a stubborn streak in you, I kind of knew that was inevitable. I love being home with you and getting a first row seat of your cuteness. You are lovable and adorable, so easy to enjoy! I love seeing your precious relationship with Nolan grow and strengthen, and I pray you two are buddies forever.
I love you so much, Isaac. It's been SO FUN to celebrate wonderful you! Happy Birthday to my sweetest boy. I'll keep holding onto you as my baby for as long as I can. But, Isaac- welcome to 2! You're going to love it!
Love,
Mama
This past year sure did whiz by! One year old you was pretty much perfection! Ok, we all know that isn't true. No one year old is perfect, but gosh, you sure were close! And now you're two. TWO!
You are full of personality, opinions, and belly laughs. You eat and eat and eat (except at breakfast), and you do it with enthusiasm. You still hold my hair and suck your thumb sideways. I really wouldn't have it any other way. Your squishy thighs are one of the best parts of my day, and I will squeeze them as long as I can.
Isaac, you are the sweetest boy there is. I can't tell you how much joy and delight you bring our family. I love watching you play with Nolan or "pet" babies or read books by yourself. I love listening to you talk and sing. And just about the time you say, "No, sir," to Nolan, I could burst with laughter. I love feeling your hands on my face as you try to get my attention and my focus. I just love you so much, Isaac.
You are tough and determined. You can take a punch and just keep moving. You are daring and brave and willing to try new things. In fact, you help make Nolan more brave and daring. You are growing in independence, and I have mixed emotions about it. But I know it's good. You are turning into quite the little boy, my little love. I'm treasuring your littleness as I also try to encourage your bigness. It's tough! And boy is that feisty side of you showing up more and more!
Isaac, I couldn't be happier to be your mom. Though you have a stubborn streak in you, I kind of knew that was inevitable. I love being home with you and getting a first row seat of your cuteness. You are lovable and adorable, so easy to enjoy! I love seeing your precious relationship with Nolan grow and strengthen, and I pray you two are buddies forever.
I love you so much, Isaac. It's been SO FUN to celebrate wonderful you! Happy Birthday to my sweetest boy. I'll keep holding onto you as my baby for as long as I can. But, Isaac- welcome to 2! You're going to love it!
Love,
Mama
Sunday, April 23, 2017
Throwing a Birthday Party For a Toddler
Yesterday we celebrated our dear Isaac Dean's birthday. He's two now and officially not a baby. Which means, potty training is on the horizon again. Which means, lots of little boy nakedness in my future. But anyways.
As it began to be time to plan a party for Isaac, I wanted to find that balance between- he's two years old and will never remember this and I love Isaac and birthdays so much, this needs to be a blast!
Because I found that anytime I'm hosting or planning event, it can be a slippery slope of wanting to be creative and do things I love like crafts and bake but not do things with the hopes of being praised or recognized. I caught myself a few times wondering, "What's my motive behind this?" Because of all the Biblical counseling training, I've been able to recognize how my own heart can trick me. And even good things can have sinful intentions.
We ultimately decided we'd do a cookout and to keep things super simple. Burgers, hotdogs, fruit, veggies, chips, and pasta salad. Done. We invited our family, our community group, and Adam's accountability group and hoped we'd have a great turnout because we genuinely love having people come together.
I spent the majority of Saturday prepping for the party, and then we had to haul all the food and supplies to our neighborhood playground and haul it all back. It was a lot of hauling. But I stood back and snapped this picture at one point.
And now our family is on the brink of serious change. At our final home study on Friday, we were reminded again that fostering is going to inevitably mean some hard days are ahead of us. I'm not second guessing this decision, but I am choosing to savor this time together. I cried my eyes out on the final day before Isaac was born. There was a natural grieving of what we were about to lose. But it was certainly a thousand percent worth it. So, I hope I tell a similar story in the months to come, as I recognize our family is on the verge of another transition.
It's so easy to want to hold onto my family so tightly, when I really need to hold onto Jesus.
What a day celebrating Isaac! My heart is still so full after a wonderful time with everyone.
As it began to be time to plan a party for Isaac, I wanted to find that balance between- he's two years old and will never remember this and I love Isaac and birthdays so much, this needs to be a blast!
Because I found that anytime I'm hosting or planning event, it can be a slippery slope of wanting to be creative and do things I love like crafts and bake but not do things with the hopes of being praised or recognized. I caught myself a few times wondering, "What's my motive behind this?" Because of all the Biblical counseling training, I've been able to recognize how my own heart can trick me. And even good things can have sinful intentions.
We ultimately decided we'd do a cookout and to keep things super simple. Burgers, hotdogs, fruit, veggies, chips, and pasta salad. Done. We invited our family, our community group, and Adam's accountability group and hoped we'd have a great turnout because we genuinely love having people come together.
I spent the majority of Saturday prepping for the party, and then we had to haul all the food and supplies to our neighborhood playground and haul it all back. It was a lot of hauling. But I stood back and snapped this picture at one point.
It really and truly did not look like much. Not a pinterest quality party, if you will. But it was exactly what we were wanting. Friends and family and people that mean so much to us being together and playing and eating. I loved it. I kept pausing and watching kids play together and friends catching up, and I was thankful, so thankful, for this time together. All the baking (which I LOVED), all the grocery runs, and all the time spent to do this cookout- 100% worth it. Adam and I said repeatedly when it was over, "That was so great!"
It was indeed Isaac's birthday party, but I also was mentally thinking of it as a celebration of different sorts. Friday we completed everything we needed to do in order to be certified for foster care. It's felt like a lot of work to push through to this point, and a lot of the people at Isaac's party were cheering us on the whole time. It felt right to have this gathering after reaching such a milestone.
And now our family is on the brink of serious change. At our final home study on Friday, we were reminded again that fostering is going to inevitably mean some hard days are ahead of us. I'm not second guessing this decision, but I am choosing to savor this time together. I cried my eyes out on the final day before Isaac was born. There was a natural grieving of what we were about to lose. But it was certainly a thousand percent worth it. So, I hope I tell a similar story in the months to come, as I recognize our family is on the verge of another transition.
It's so easy to want to hold onto my family so tightly, when I really need to hold onto Jesus.
What a day celebrating Isaac! My heart is still so full after a wonderful time with everyone.
Thursday, March 2, 2017
The Week I Died
Last weekend I had my first Biblical counseling training seminar. I hope to soon circle back around to all I loved about that weekend, but that's not the point of this post. One of the teachers gave us this illustration:
When you take a water bottle and smash it, water will go flying out of the bottle. Why? Why does the water go flying? Well, the quick answer is because you smashed it. But the actual answer? The water goes flying out of the bottle because there was water in the bottle.
There are several other illustrations of this same concept. You get it though.
Last weekend I had some heart checks about a few things.
And then my water bottle got smashed.
The stomach virus has been lingering around our house for one person or another for the last nine days. I got it first and definitely got the most mild version of it. It seemed to gain force with each passing day. Adam went down on Sunday (which- it's cruel in itself to have Daddy be bedridden on a weekend day. I can handle a week day. But the weekend? Come on! That's a teamwork day!) But then he left for a work retreat before the sun came up on Tuesday.
One of my takeaways from the weekend was to keep my focus on God's glory. Even wanting a little bit of glory for myself (which that can manifest itself in a lot of different ways) is self worship.
Side note: I've decided that Christians need to start calling sin as it is. We don't address sin enough these days. End side note.
So, the goal the whole time Adam was gone: God be glorified!
I knew that I'd be vulnerable with a week of no Adam just because- exhaustion. But then Isaac succumbed to the virus the morning Adam left, the final Tomberlin to fall. All Tuesday morning I kept God's glory at the forefront of my mind. I decided early on to relinquish any agenda I had for the day and just be with my sick child, just the one at the time. Things were going well until dinner. And by well I mean that Nolan was pushing my buttons, but that three year old was not getting the best of me. But dinner happened. I had planned on us eating quickly and then going for a walk in order to wear Nolan out before dinner.
But he was being so difficult.
And I was getting frustrated (nicer word for angry, am I right?)
He's been taking so long at the table lately. I'm talking 40 minutes and beyond. Tuesday night was no exception. And he was getting really sassy with the way he was talking to me, and I was NOT happy with him. His sin was amplifying my sin, or vice versa. But I recognized this. And you know what Nolan said to me? "Mommy, do you want to say sorry to me?" Ugh. NO!! DO YOU WANT TO SAY SORRY TO ME?! But I humbled myself. I apologized.
Before bed I reminded Nolan that he needed to be really quiet in the morning because Isaac was sick and needed to get all the sleep he could.
The next morning I heard Nolan crying well before the normal time that I get them, and I was angry (that's me calling sin what it is). I stood outside their door, took a deep breath, quoted Proverbs 15:1 to myself and walked in. It smelled horrendous in there. Isaac started crying in response to Nolan's crying, and I told Nolan he had to wait for me to come back while I changed Isaac's awful diarrhea diaper. Nolan cried the whole time I was out of his room.
When I came back into the room, I turned on the light, firmly said, "Nolan Tomberlin!" And then I saw him covered in vomit.
And I nearly fell to the floor in guilt.
Nolan was crying because he was sick and covered in old throw up. That's what smelled so horribly, not Isaac's diaper (though that was awful, too). As I started to apologize profusely and clean him up and assure him that Mommy always wants to help him, I just felt terrible. The words I used to text Adam were, "scum of the Earth."
But you know what happened? My water bottle was smashed, and my water came out.
And it was really yucky water apparently.
The rest of the day was basically non-stop cleaning up of bodily fluids. Nolan was a disaster all day. Isaac, thankfully, was super laid back, so all of my attention was on Nolan. It was a long, hard day. And a good ole dose of humble pie. I really did die to myself all day long. And you know what? I needed a good kick to the booty.
I cried that morning. Not just because I felt so horribly for treating Nolan so harshly, but this was a discouraging, humbling realization of where my heart was. But I got to repent right there in the midst of my awful morning, and ask God's grace to wash over me. And I can assure you I leaned hard into God's strength the rest of the day.
I'm thankful on days like yesterday that it's highly unlikely that Nolan will ever say, "Remember that time you let me cry in my dried vomit while you chose to help Isaac first because you were mad?" I'm thankful that my water bottle is getting smashed right now. I want these idols of the heart to come crashing down now. I want to die to self in these early years of my children's lives. This life of mine isn't about me. I pray that God can continue to refine me (gently is the preferred way). Not to say that I'm going to just "get it," and by the time my kids are teenagers I'll basically be a sanctified beauty. But I do trust that God is working in me.
This morning, Isaac was covered in diarrhea, and I thought to myself, "Oh sweet mercy! I can't endure another day!" But I didn't have to. Both boys improved as the day went on. I will say, when Nolan is hangry, oh my word, he's a bear! But I deserved a bear after yesterday to be honest.
When I held Isaac right before lowering him into his crib, the nightlight behind me cast a shadow of the two of us onto the wall. I stared at that shadow and took a mental picture. These moments are so fleeting. As I was spending some extra time with Nolan in his bed tonight, we were whispering on and on about fruit trees. He eventually said, "I've been thinking about fruit trees all day. I just needed to know about them." And I wanted to snuggle him forever.
I can only hope and pray I continue to die a little bit more each day. But oh sweet Jesus, please don't make it happen in the form of the stomach virus anymore!!!
When you take a water bottle and smash it, water will go flying out of the bottle. Why? Why does the water go flying? Well, the quick answer is because you smashed it. But the actual answer? The water goes flying out of the bottle because there was water in the bottle.
There are several other illustrations of this same concept. You get it though.
Last weekend I had some heart checks about a few things.
And then my water bottle got smashed.
The stomach virus has been lingering around our house for one person or another for the last nine days. I got it first and definitely got the most mild version of it. It seemed to gain force with each passing day. Adam went down on Sunday (which- it's cruel in itself to have Daddy be bedridden on a weekend day. I can handle a week day. But the weekend? Come on! That's a teamwork day!) But then he left for a work retreat before the sun came up on Tuesday.
One of my takeaways from the weekend was to keep my focus on God's glory. Even wanting a little bit of glory for myself (which that can manifest itself in a lot of different ways) is self worship.
Side note: I've decided that Christians need to start calling sin as it is. We don't address sin enough these days. End side note.
So, the goal the whole time Adam was gone: God be glorified!
I knew that I'd be vulnerable with a week of no Adam just because- exhaustion. But then Isaac succumbed to the virus the morning Adam left, the final Tomberlin to fall. All Tuesday morning I kept God's glory at the forefront of my mind. I decided early on to relinquish any agenda I had for the day and just be with my sick child, just the one at the time. Things were going well until dinner. And by well I mean that Nolan was pushing my buttons, but that three year old was not getting the best of me. But dinner happened. I had planned on us eating quickly and then going for a walk in order to wear Nolan out before dinner.
But he was being so difficult.
And I was getting frustrated (nicer word for angry, am I right?)
He's been taking so long at the table lately. I'm talking 40 minutes and beyond. Tuesday night was no exception. And he was getting really sassy with the way he was talking to me, and I was NOT happy with him. His sin was amplifying my sin, or vice versa. But I recognized this. And you know what Nolan said to me? "Mommy, do you want to say sorry to me?" Ugh. NO!! DO YOU WANT TO SAY SORRY TO ME?! But I humbled myself. I apologized.
Before bed I reminded Nolan that he needed to be really quiet in the morning because Isaac was sick and needed to get all the sleep he could.
The next morning I heard Nolan crying well before the normal time that I get them, and I was angry (that's me calling sin what it is). I stood outside their door, took a deep breath, quoted Proverbs 15:1 to myself and walked in. It smelled horrendous in there. Isaac started crying in response to Nolan's crying, and I told Nolan he had to wait for me to come back while I changed Isaac's awful diarrhea diaper. Nolan cried the whole time I was out of his room.
When I came back into the room, I turned on the light, firmly said, "Nolan Tomberlin!" And then I saw him covered in vomit.
And I nearly fell to the floor in guilt.
Nolan was crying because he was sick and covered in old throw up. That's what smelled so horribly, not Isaac's diaper (though that was awful, too). As I started to apologize profusely and clean him up and assure him that Mommy always wants to help him, I just felt terrible. The words I used to text Adam were, "scum of the Earth."
But you know what happened? My water bottle was smashed, and my water came out.
And it was really yucky water apparently.
The rest of the day was basically non-stop cleaning up of bodily fluids. Nolan was a disaster all day. Isaac, thankfully, was super laid back, so all of my attention was on Nolan. It was a long, hard day. And a good ole dose of humble pie. I really did die to myself all day long. And you know what? I needed a good kick to the booty.
I cried that morning. Not just because I felt so horribly for treating Nolan so harshly, but this was a discouraging, humbling realization of where my heart was. But I got to repent right there in the midst of my awful morning, and ask God's grace to wash over me. And I can assure you I leaned hard into God's strength the rest of the day.
I'm thankful on days like yesterday that it's highly unlikely that Nolan will ever say, "Remember that time you let me cry in my dried vomit while you chose to help Isaac first because you were mad?" I'm thankful that my water bottle is getting smashed right now. I want these idols of the heart to come crashing down now. I want to die to self in these early years of my children's lives. This life of mine isn't about me. I pray that God can continue to refine me (gently is the preferred way). Not to say that I'm going to just "get it," and by the time my kids are teenagers I'll basically be a sanctified beauty. But I do trust that God is working in me.
This morning, Isaac was covered in diarrhea, and I thought to myself, "Oh sweet mercy! I can't endure another day!" But I didn't have to. Both boys improved as the day went on. I will say, when Nolan is hangry, oh my word, he's a bear! But I deserved a bear after yesterday to be honest.
When I held Isaac right before lowering him into his crib, the nightlight behind me cast a shadow of the two of us onto the wall. I stared at that shadow and took a mental picture. These moments are so fleeting. As I was spending some extra time with Nolan in his bed tonight, we were whispering on and on about fruit trees. He eventually said, "I've been thinking about fruit trees all day. I just needed to know about them." And I wanted to snuggle him forever.
I can only hope and pray I continue to die a little bit more each day. But oh sweet Jesus, please don't make it happen in the form of the stomach virus anymore!!!
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Nine Happenings with the Tomberlins
I've had so little margin lately but so many thoughts, so once again, I just need to break the blogging ice.
1. One weekend in January, Adam and I completed 20 HOURS of training for becoming foster parents. It was a lot of information. It was a lot to process. And when we left, I was overwhelmed with the amount of work we still had to do. But as of Thursday of last week, we completed everything we could've possibly done on our own. We got an e-mail today to set up our first home study (1 of 3). When I got the e-mail from our home study specialist, I wanted to jump up and down, but I was in a meeting. Realistically, the hardest parts of this journey are inevitably still to come, but it feels good to get working on the home stretch.
2. Not that long ago, we decided that we would go upstairs to read 30 minutes before we wanted to go to sleep, and I really, really hope we stay disciplined to continue doing this. Being the old people we are, that means we go upstairs by 9:30.
3. I stumbled upon a new baking blog recently, and I want to bake so many things every day now. One of my 2017 goals was to keep trying out new recipes (for dinner) and not fall into a slump of the same old recipes. The renewed spark in my love for baking as actually helped in my desire to cook yummy, healthy dinners for us. And I got a pressure cooker for Christmas, so I've been trying out new recipes the last few weeks trying to get good at it.
4. Isaac Dean has turned into quite the opinionated stinker, but he is so utterly adorable it's hard to discipline him with a straight face.
5. In efforts to prepare our home to welcome a child in foster care, we pulled the trigger and put Nolan in Isaac's room last week. I did it thinking that it would only last about .2 seconds. And I was pleasantly surprised. Nolan was over the moon excited to have a companion in the room with him, and Isaac wakes up each morning saying, "No-no?" Which is what he calls Nolan. It's pretty much precious. They even nap at the same time in the same room. This might still be the honeymoon phase, but it also might be just a beautiful and wonderful reality for us.
6. My sweet, sweet friend gifted me for my birthday a photo scavenger hunt date with Adam. Someone else thinking it was important for Adam and I to have fun and go on a date and be silly was one of the most thoughtful gifts a friend has given me. I really loving spending time with that guy.
1. One weekend in January, Adam and I completed 20 HOURS of training for becoming foster parents. It was a lot of information. It was a lot to process. And when we left, I was overwhelmed with the amount of work we still had to do. But as of Thursday of last week, we completed everything we could've possibly done on our own. We got an e-mail today to set up our first home study (1 of 3). When I got the e-mail from our home study specialist, I wanted to jump up and down, but I was in a meeting. Realistically, the hardest parts of this journey are inevitably still to come, but it feels good to get working on the home stretch.
2. Not that long ago, we decided that we would go upstairs to read 30 minutes before we wanted to go to sleep, and I really, really hope we stay disciplined to continue doing this. Being the old people we are, that means we go upstairs by 9:30.
3. I stumbled upon a new baking blog recently, and I want to bake so many things every day now. One of my 2017 goals was to keep trying out new recipes (for dinner) and not fall into a slump of the same old recipes. The renewed spark in my love for baking as actually helped in my desire to cook yummy, healthy dinners for us. And I got a pressure cooker for Christmas, so I've been trying out new recipes the last few weeks trying to get good at it.
4. Isaac Dean has turned into quite the opinionated stinker, but he is so utterly adorable it's hard to discipline him with a straight face.
The cutest little Falcons fans you ever did see!
5. In efforts to prepare our home to welcome a child in foster care, we pulled the trigger and put Nolan in Isaac's room last week. I did it thinking that it would only last about .2 seconds. And I was pleasantly surprised. Nolan was over the moon excited to have a companion in the room with him, and Isaac wakes up each morning saying, "No-no?" Which is what he calls Nolan. It's pretty much precious. They even nap at the same time in the same room. This might still be the honeymoon phase, but it also might be just a beautiful and wonderful reality for us.
6. My sweet, sweet friend gifted me for my birthday a photo scavenger hunt date with Adam. Someone else thinking it was important for Adam and I to have fun and go on a date and be silly was one of the most thoughtful gifts a friend has given me. I really loving spending time with that guy.
We were supposed to find a statue and do our best to replicate it.
7. One day I came down the stairs in jeans and our church shirt that volunteers wear on Sundays, and Nolan looked at me and said, "Mommy, you are so pretty!" I about melted. Because I can assure that I did not look so pretty. In fact, I felt quite worn down on the inside. That little boy has a tender heart, and when we catch glimpses of it, it's the cutest thing!
8. I've been reading the Bible cover to cover since August. I'm in Ezekiel right now. I've never read the Bible just straight through. I've come to the same conclusions several times. One, I'd like to get a chronological Bible. I think it would just be helpful! And two, I'm so thankful for Jesus.
9. Nolan is memorizing Bible verses like a BOSS these days. He can say several verses with very little prompting, and it makes me realize how important these young years are when it comes to training up our children.
9. Nolan is memorizing Bible verses like a BOSS these days. He can say several verses with very little prompting, and it makes me realize how important these young years are when it comes to training up our children.
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
N O L A N
I love this picture.
Nolan has been adamant for months, maybe over a year that he does not like snow. Now, Nolan hasn't experienced snow since he was 19 months old. And it was a positive experience. But somewhere along the way, Nolan decided he didn't like snow, and he was not to be swayed.
In December, we went to a big Christmas light display, and it fake snowed. He nearly lost his mind. He was basically paralyzed with fear. It made me sad to watch him miss out on fun with his friends because he was so fixated on the fake snow.
At the beginning of the month it looked to be a sure thing that it would snow here. When people asked Nolan about it with excitement, he'd start to get visibly anxious, looking to me for assurance that it wasn't going to snow. And well, it snowed. It actually iced. With a tiny bit of snow on top of the ice.
Adam and I knew that he was going to be upset, and we knew that we were going to make him go outside and experience it.
And...
He loved it. Adam put him on the sled and took off.
And he laughed.
He liked hearing the crunch of the ice snow when we walked around. He liked seeing his boots make foot print. He just liked it.
Whatever made him believe that snow was scary was negated when he actually experienced it. I'm sure this will happen with him many more times in the future. He gets so sure of things. Because what he thinks becomes his truth. And sometimes his truth needs to be replaced with actual truth.
We didn't last very long outside. But it made me so happy to see his countenance actually change as he let loose and enjoyed himself outside.
Now, driving on the ice...whole different story.
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